Take It On Tuesday: Why I Couldn’t

I’m gonna be honest with you.

Yesterday was a hard day.

Then I took it out on my kids.

I’m tired. I’m stretched thin. Me aaaaand the bank account.

I’m the adult. I should be the one to roll with the punches. I should be the one to set a gentle example to my children when the walls come crashing down.

IIIIII am the safe place!

Right?

Except…

I am not patient.

I am not gentle.

I am not soft-spoken.

I am discontent.

I feel pressed and resentful.

I was supposed to (self-imposed) do a “Take It On Tuesday” video.

But the day demanded other things from me first.

By the time I thought I might get a little time in front of the camera… to be silly… lighten up… get some creative time in… deep anger began to grab hold.

The straw: a lost ballet slipper.

THE EXACT BALLET SLIPPERS THAT SHOULD BE PUT IN A BOX THAT NEVER MOVES. THE EXACT BALLET SLIPPERS THAT ARE ONLY TO BE WORN TO BALLET CLASS. LOST 1 MINUTE BEOFRE LEAVING FOR CLASS.

aaaaaaand just the explosion of kid stuff everywhere.

EHHHHHHHHVERYWHERE.

I realize one day I will feel lonely and wish for the mess, but today… it made me feel unloved.

I took it personally. The mess felt like my kids were trying to tell me, “We don’t care about you, and we laugh in the face of your precious TIME.

I yelled.

I said some bad words.

::shame::

The crazy mess made me feel like my daily efforts to keep life running are stupid to everyone and “LET’S HAVE A MESS MAKING PARTY!!! MOM WILL CLEAN IT UP AND WE WILL ASK FOR PLAY DATES AND ICE CREAM!!!!”

On a normal day, I would have been normal angry. But yesterday I was ragey-angry … probably because of the weight of everything else.

It wasn’t their fault.

Not really.

It wasn’t my fault.

Except it was.

I am the Mom. I am the safe place. I am the calm before, during, and after the storm.

It doesn’t mean I am to pick up after my family.

But it sometimes does mean I pick up after my family.

I love to serve them.

I love to bless them.

But sometimes it backfires.

Like yesterday.

So. Take It On Tuesday didn’t happen.

Because I felt angry.

Because I couldn’t turn my attitude around. I couldn’t fake “funny and sparkles”.

///

I love my kids so crazy much. I hate when these moments happen.

Deep, heart-wrenching regret.

I do tell them I am sorry.

But it doesn’t make those moments go away.

Ugh. Sometimes it feels like all I have to give is FAIL.

Peace and sparkles? I guess it was buried under a stinky pile of emotional crap.

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Peace and Sparkles!

Jenny

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24 Responses to “Take It On Tuesday: Why I Couldn’t”

  1. Brandi Jeter says:

    This is real, Jenny. It’s unfortunate that it happens, and I HATE the times that I have exploded on my family. But then I work to resolve the other issues that stretch me to the point of explosion. Thank you for sharing this side of you. Now we can send positive, peaceful energy your way, and hope that today is a better day than tomorrow.

    • Oh Brandi! You make a REALLY good point… about resolving the other issues that stretch. AMEN. I know there are issues with the kids and the way they keep stuff up (or do not), but my reaction was certainly a result the end of a very frayed rope. xoxo

  2. Cally says:

    OH, how I understand and commiserate with a lost ballet slipper right before class. We’ve all been there. We’ll all go there again. But it’s only the best moms that reflect like this…and your post today proves you’re one awesome mama.

    Sending you knowing nods and high-fives for a better day today!

  3. Well, I’m in freaking tears.
    Thanks for writing the things I couldn’t write myself. I think this is me more often than not, lately. I try to be happy positive yayness, but I’m stressed beyond my breaking point.
    I’m really sorry you are stressed too. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just beam ourselves somewhere to help people when they are in need. Or to just get away for a couple of hours on a secluded beach somewhere.
    Chin up! It will all be better eventually.

    • I sawry… I do know I am not the only one. I almost didn’t publish because I hate to admit how very angry and ugly I can get toward the little people I adore the most. I feel like a fraud… “peace and sparkles”. Uh…

      I too want to send you a “chin up” and a long hug of empowerment. Like you said, it will all be better eventually. I think knowing that we are not alone helps. Not that I want any other mom to struggle, but it’s a comfort to know we are not the only ones losing our minds. Yes?

      Again, big, long hug of “YOU’VE GOT THIS!” And a tissue. Or a box of tissue <3

  4. Lu says:

    You know, I can relate and I believe I had this kind of moment a few weeks ago. I was tired, hungry and needed some rest. What I should have done was take a moment.

    Be gentle with yourself, my friend. We are not perfect, even as mothers. We especially need to be gentle with ourselves.

  5. Jo says:

    Love…Love…Love… We ALL have these moments Jenny! All of us. Our kids know we love them and they understand. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Ask for forgiveness from them and God and most of all YOURSELF!!

  6. FFW says:

    Wanna feel better?

    The other day, I told my 13yo, “When I say ‘fuck’ in the morning, it is your cue that you pushed me too far.”

    Because, I tell him things nicely, 4 times, before the f-bomb comes.

    See? You feel better, I feel worse.

    Now I’m mad at YOU.

    • I’m sorry this made you feel worse. Though I have not said your exact words to my 13 y.o., I have said the same thing. And I didn’t list what words I did or did not say… nor did I share how often or rare these exchanges are. I will say though, I am not OK with how I let my children’s behavior control my reaction. I’m not but I know it will happen again. :(

  7. Jill says:

    Love you girl. Pretty sure I just wrote this. This was me word for word on Friday, but via text because my kids (18 & 16) had left the house. And I can’t even finish what I want to say right now because I can’t see through my tears… Hugs to you, mama.

  8. Jenn says:

    Girlfriend, this WAS my post for today, but I was too frustrated to hit .

    Stress from out upcoming move, dealing with teachers and bullies and scraped knees and bruised egos. All my kids frustrations coming out at me. There is only so much door slamming, hip popping, attitude blame and eye rolling I could take, and I lost it. Big time.

    Yes, I’m supposed to be there for them, but I hit the wall. I yelled. I cried. I may have said “I quit”, scaring the heck out of a frustrated 6 year old.

    I need a do over for today.

    Don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes, we forget that we are human, too. You’re definitely not in this alone.

  9. Mary Beth says:

    Oh it’s just so ucky when we vent on our kids – isn’t it? It does not feel nice at all. To us or to them.

    But if you never misbehaved in front of your kiddos, they would never have the opportunity to see you model how to recover. How to say they are sorry, how to accept forgiveness and walk in grace. You are showing them how to be human – good, bad and LOVED.

    And you will all have something to laugh about when they’re all grown up and raising their own kids!

  10. Vanesa K says:

    Oh Jenny. God always brings me to you at the perfect times. I am your unasked, prayer warrior. I lift you up as often as God brings you to my mind. And please know that although apologizing doesn’t erase the memory…it does cover it with a new one. A memory that mom didn’t pretend to be perfect. Your kids need to see you as an example of how to act…even when that example is in the form of an apology.

    Oh I’ve been there. I’ve blogged about it. The moment that you see the sparkle in your child’s eye fade because of your crazy reaction to the laundry (that you just folded) that they are throwing all over the room.

    Continue to be real. Continue to humble yourself and learn. When you feel that pot reaching its ‘boiling point’…picture that sparkle. And if you fail…just know that you are becoming more and more able to succeed. God will give you the strength you need. Talk to Him…He loves the sound of your voice! =)

  11. Michelle says:

    I usually blame the moon. Yesterday I had the same kind of day. My oldest and I fought about *wait for it*…pancakes.
    It was an ugly fight that made me feel awful and unloved and unappreciated. I usually hold it together really well, but she found my button. The one that when you press it, I fall apart. In an ugly way.
    You are not alone…and we all have those days. Without them, there would be nothing to strive for, right?

    Love to you. You are a beautiful Mom.

  12. sara wood says:

    your bad day, sounds like my normal day, truth be told….you are not alone..
    xoxoxo =)

  13. Kim Conger says:

    Dear sweet Jenny, I think you just described me in your post. The good news is that it will get better! Your kids will forgive you and so will God. Our parenting ministry has a good article on Overcoming Mommy Guilt.

    I hope it helps you! http://paiministries.blogspot.com/2012/09/overcoming-mommy-guilt-by-julie-coleman.html

    Hugs and hope for better days! Keep on keeping on!

    Love,
    Kim Conger

  14. Karen says:

    I’ve always wanted to write a book about the Under belly of motherhood! You know all the things that push us over the edge, the relentlessness of it all, the things no one warns you about…. but I decided it wouldn’t be a best seller! haha!

    Motherhood IS a wonderful thing, but it is also the hardest job EVER and pushes you to your breaking point more often than anyone wants to admit.

    Your willingness to be transparent helps others breathe a sigh of relief that we are not alone on this crazy roller coaster called motherhood. You are a great mom! Don’t beat yourself up for being a human being with limits.

    We all have these moments… ya’ just have to apologize and move on. Extend the same grace and forgiveness to yourself that you would readily extend to your children.

    These moments invite us to take a deeper look at what’s going on, what’s stressing us, what’s draining us. It’s a pause button to check in and balance the emotional ledger… too many withdrawals and not enough deposits? Cancel everything possible and do whatever fills you up inside. When your heart is at peace, the sparkle will return to your eyes! Love you Jenny!

  15. tanna says:

    I love you Jenny. You are truly precious and loved as Isaiah declares! I have tears as I relate – as I cry out to God for HELP amidst the storms of life that “do” entangle me, and how i ahte that! Feelings of failure and sjame abound. Thank you for sharing in the pain of the journey, the sanctificationthat is oh so arduous at times . You are not alone friend…..

  16. I completely understand your angst. I have those moments, and feel a need to apologize to my readers. Guess what? Usually the readers will lift us up on those bad days. Opening up and being honest about how we are feeling in a public way can lead to a ton of support. I hope today is better, and that you had a few encouraging words to help you.

  17. Katie G says:

    I thought you looked a little frowny Tuesday and I was all “Look at my cute purse!” Hang in there!

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