Jenny On the Spot: Caffeinated mom, lover of dancing, glitter and glitter.

Have you seen the movie Elf. Oh that Will Ferrell! He’s a riot. Well, there’s one line in the movie that feels a lot like my life. Listen:

Really, I can use the spirit of that phrase for anything!

Scenario 1: Hey Jenny, you wanna go get coffee? Is there caffeine in coffee? THEN YES!

Scenario 2: Hey Jenny, wanna use some of my shimmer lotion? Is there glitter in shimmer lotion? THEN YES!

Senario 3: Hey Jenny, do you want me to put a shot of Tequila in your Corona? Is there liquor in Tequila? THEN YES!

Scenario 4: Hey Jenny, do you want to be the MC for the school auction? Is there a microphone in that? THEN YES!

Scenario 5: Hey Jenny, you wanna help lead a pep rally for the Knowledge Bowl? Does it mean that at the age of thirty-youbetternotsayaword I get to put on a cheer uniform and dance on a stage? THEN YES!

Scenario 6: Hey Jenny, you wanna get a new pair of Converse? Is there AWESOME in those? THEN YES!

Dang it! You know how it was Doppelganger Week on Facebook last week? I thot I was more Jennifer Aniston-y (the hair)… By the power of Greyskull www.faceinhole.com it seems I confused a great number of people with this pic:

That’s not me. Well, it’s my face. In a hole. *erm* The vessel is Jennifer Aniston. If Jennifer Aniston and I ever had babies…

TO BE CLEAR – THAT IS NOT ME. *butitkindais*

I got a little creative and cropped-out the “Face in Hole” graphic to up-play the potential twin-ness of the Jenster and I. And it seems it *may* have appeared to some it was ALLLLLL me. That I had gone Hollywood for reals and for FINALLY!

I wish. Not that I COULDN’T *clears throat*… It’s just that I didn’t. I was busy.

And in the end it seems my HEART doppelganger is Will Ferrell’s character in Elf. I too, like syrup… because there is sugar in it. Oh. Yes!

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But there are two things I really, really struggle with:

MATH

I am so bad at math that when I see the image below my mouth waters and I’m all, “Oooooh! Flaky crust! I LOVE pi(e)!”

And also MINDREADING

So, I guess if I were to bring this full circle, what this means for YOU is…

If you and I were ever held hostage and our taker-person said, “OK, Jennyonthespot, you need to read my mind and solve the equation in my head, or YOUR FRIEND HERE DIES!“

You would totally die.

Totally.

I may suck at math and mind reading, but I do have a bit of influence when it comes to *batting lashes*. I might be able to get you your last meal, if I *toss my hair* just right… So, I guess, at this point, my advice for would be to leave your last meal request in the comments section. I am a big fan of emergency preparedness…

Funny. I am now kind of thinking I am not real great at  issues involving REALITY. Perhaps there are 3 things I am not good at….

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My friend Kearsie of Sounds Like Tomatoes has inspired me to copy her… *meow*

In other news – this is hilarious. No? I HAD to share.

Aaaanywho… Kearsie does this “Keyboard Confessions” thing. And I like it. It feels People Magazine-y. I only indulge in the likes of People and other celeb gossip mags at the hair salon or on airplanes. It is my pop culture education. Other wise I pretty much just spray glitter. And drink coffee.

Orsomethinglikethat.

My Confessions, because… well just because:

1) I do not host parties of the home-party kind anymore, like jewelry… make-up… whatever. I love and buy some brands out there, but choose to not earn the deal one gets from hosting parties. I have great and dear friends who are consultants for businesses. I just don’t do the party-host thing. I can’t.

WHYYYYY? Because once you invite 15 friends, hope for 8 and only have 2 show-up… YOU STILL INVITED 15 PEOPLE, WHICH, by law, MEANS YOU ARE ON THE HOME PARTY LIST FOR 15 PEOPLE. FOR 5 YEARS OR UNTIL DEATH in some rare cases.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a party girl. I love people, chatting, connecting, laughing. I WANT my friends to make money in their businesses and I want my friends to get good deals… But I am a guilty girl, and feel I have to buy stuff to help out my friends… and remember there are at least 15 people I invited to MY party… so — That’s, like 30 parties over the course of year…

…and I don’t care what kind of deal I get for hosting a party… it is not a deal in the end… because I either need to go to 60 parties in a year (or 30, *whatever*) and buy stuff. Stuff I may LOVE, I may WANT…

…but a free bottle of something from MY party won’t help me pay for 30/60/90 bottles of guilt.

You hate me. I’m sorry. I am almost not female because of this. I’m sure of it. Maybe #2 will prove otherwise:

2) I cried on the phone today. Been feeling weepy. A lot. But this weepy is cyclically familiar. SO I told my friend on the phone… “I’ll be OK. You just wait. I will probably call you later this afternoon to tell you I started bleeding.”

TMI? My amends. Hello! Female! *waves hands wildly* This is how it is. My life. And probably yours. Unless you’re a man, and if you start bleeding in the way I probably will be soon, then – I think you should see a doctor.

I am like, freaking Dr. Google.

3) Since making videos (have you subscribed, have you rated???), I have learned something about myself. I do this weird sniffing thing. On my piercing side. Gonna have to stop that. Oscar winners don’t have weird sniffers. Or maybe they do.

4) So, speaking of my nose piercing… she is sickly much of the time. But I will fight for her. Salt soaks everyday. It’s a pain, but the most passionate love endures abuse like I have endured. This is how I know I love Nosie truly, deeply.

5) I want to start calling my dog Kevin, Kitty. I tried it last night, and he totally came to me. My dog is so cool. And stupid.

6) I crack myself up. That’s why I go out to coffee with me so much.

7) I think lists should come in 10’s.

8) Which sucks if one doesn’t have 10 things. Just sayin’.

9) I love pizza.

10) My friend Jen introduced me to Jose Corona, and I love him. A shot of Tequila in your Corona… and a slice of lime. Arriba!

11) I hate pinatas.

12) I don’t know how to make my computer put the squiggly thing on n’s, like for the word, “pinata”.

*cheesy grin*

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My friend, Jen… the woman who has only missed 4 of my 37 years of existence — lost her dad to his battle with ALS 2 weeks ago… Ugh.

The whole experience drove home the blessing I have in this life-long friendship…

Jen and I discovered Disneyland together…

We pretended to be ballerinas on the soccer field together…

She gave me her hairbrush cleaning job at the local hair salon my 8th grade year when she had to move to Fresno, and she came to my 8th grade graduation… And we braved the large framed glasses together too….

We were roommates in college. 2 years of… oh there is just too much… This is her in our dorm room our first year… She went with a navy/white theme – I was all pastel-crappy. $100 for Who will be the first person to spy the Caboodle? 1992, yo!

There were weddings and babies. During this span there were 10 years we never saw each other… but anytime we got to talk on the phone it was like no time had passed at all…

Finally, we were physically reunited. We braved BlogHer ‘08 together… And for the first time we drank together. She introduced me to Caroline (on the left in the pic below *Hi girl – miss you!*) as “Drunk”… Jen has always been the quick witted one!

So, with the blessing of my little family at home, I stole away in my minivan and drove 800 miles to be with the friend who is more like a sister.

Here is the video of my trip there:

I would never survive solitary confinement. Never.

*sigh*

I’m not sure if I’ll write about our visit or not. There is just something about the time I was able to spend with Jen and her family… It was like going home. My parents were there too. Our families grew up together… and I’m not so sure I could ever express the depth of sadness and also the joy that was shared over the 2 short days I was there. Besides, I think I may just feel like holding that close. That’s a weird thing for a girl like me :) I suppose even I have limits.

I love you Jen. Deeply.

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For the past few months, I’ve been participating in BlogHer’s Family Connections citizen journalism project as a Momspotter. Basically that means I tweet a few times a day with the #momspotting hashtag about how I use technology in my day-to-day parenting life… along with posting articles in the BlogHer Digital Parenting group… mulling over issues related to technology, the interwebz and parenting in this digital age…

But enough about THAT, what about ME. It is no secret around here, the ongoing theme here is ME.

*DUH*

Hitherhencetofore, I am posting a MEME (not pronounced ME ME, but meme as in “theme”… just so you know, and you probably do, but… yeah…)

If you dig this meme, feel free to do one yourself and leave a link in the comments or tweet it with the #momspotting hashtag. Cmon, yo! Here follows the meme questions (in bold) and my own answers (in italics)…

1. Which expensive electronic device do you most often let your older children abuse or your baby drool on? The microwave. The family computer. It’s our TV and main gaming source, so… it is what it is –> victim and lover.
   
2. How many take-out restaurant numbers do you have programmed into your phone? Only one. Really. And it’s to a local grocery store pizza shop. We are watching our pennies, so we don’t eat out nor do we take-in much :) It ain’t easy, but we’re doing it!
   
3. How many hours of television do you so totally not let your kids watch a week? Um. Are Hulu and Boxee considered television? #nufsaid
4. Do you think people who say “we don’t watch television” at playdates but really mean “we just watch DVDs” are lying liars from Liarville? I think they are either liars or are masochists…
5. How many miles have you driven with your child and not one device of electronic entertainment in a single car trip? This is a very confusing question filled with contradictions.
6. What’s your record for calls to the pediatrician or Ask-a-Nurse in a single day? Well, there was that one day we had to call 911 twice in one day, AND ride in and ambulance for each call. I win!
   
7. What’s the sexiest thing your husband/partner could text you after a hard day? “I’m bringing dinner, and the beer is COLD.” Yes, I loves me mah beer.
   
8. What’s your favorite iPad joke? This is a NO BRAINER!!! This video:
   
   

   The iPad – watch more funny videos
9. What’s the dumbest parenting tool, gear, gadget or device you ever bought? One of those shopping cart covers. I get the idea, but I neither had the time nor patience. I found good old-fashioned PRAYER against the evil shopping cart germs seemed to work just fine, and also holy water, and also yelling “GET YOUR MOUTH OFFA THAT THING!”
10. How many years will it take for your child to become more tech-savvy than you? Well, given the fact that my 4 year old schooled me on Hulu just last week… I may be dangerously close to being in the hole on this one. *eeep*

So, do any of these questions want to make you chime in? How about #9. You gotta love #9… I can’t offer a prize… I COULD, but I’m feeling lazy, and cheap. Not that you are not worth a prize, but really you ARE a prize.

YOU. YOU are the prize! *cue cheering*

I made you blush. I can tell. Well, just take the compliment. You. Are. A. Prize. Well, look at YOU… I see you walking taller… Did you just turn your swagga on?

I thought you did… Just go on now… go on witcho bad self…

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I had a GREAT convo in the car with my kids recently.

The boiled down version —> I am a skinny, fast runner.

My kids are smart.

We were talking about Martin Luther King Jr. Joel was pretty sure MLK would have been president, had he not been killed and all.

His words.

Aaanywho.

We talked about the fact there is a difference between BEING president and RUNNING for president, which hit a chord with my 7 year old (Olivia),

“MOM. YOU could run for president!”

I spewed all the coffee in my mouth onto the windshield.

“Ya think? Why do you think that?!”

Olivia, “Because you are a FAST runner!”

Then my son said, “Yeah! And you know what else? People really like seeing skinny presidents up there…”

Up where?

I digress…

Joel continued, “And you’re skinny! People would LOVE to see you up there!”

Up where?

Oh, Capitol Hill, baby.

I squealed (in. all. caps, I am sure of it)… “YOUTHINKIAMSKINNYYYYYY?!”

HE WAS ALL, “YEAH!”

*I suppose I can unlock the caps lock, ehh?*

So, it’s not that he thinks I’m smart. SO. It’s WAY easier to be smart than skinny! *been there done that, yo*

Did you know the word “unlock” is only one keystroke from making the word “unlick”?

Aaaanywho.

Kinda almost erases the memory of the other time we were in the car and Olivia (then 5) asked, “Mom? Why are your arms so jiggly?” Or the time she said my jeans made my legs look big. I encourage her honesty tho. We girls need to stick together. I know if I ask, “Do these jeans make my butt look big, her reply may very very well be, “NO. Your BUTT makes your butt look big.” We girls gotta be real, yo..

That’s right…. “Go Girl!”

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I’m out, with spotty internet access… until then… know the 16 hours of driving one way alone, and the thought of driving the same distance back… alone… Has not affected my sanity one bit.

This was only 2 hours into it. Of course there’s a story…

Until later… Be well. Be sane. One of us has to be ;)

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Somebody stop me.

Somebody stop me.

Stop.

Me.

Somebody.

*crickets chriping*

Either nobody hears me (because nobody likes me everybody hates me I guess I’ll eat some worms), OR there is silence from the online masses because they are sitting on their hands… waiting to witness… and are afraid to peep and miss the profundity of  — the following self-portrait video *SMACK* I’munna put down right heeeya.

I choose the latter.

For obvious narcissistic reasons.
Continue reading ‘Narcissism On The Spot’

It’s been an emotional week. Eventually, I’ll have the words write about it, but exhaustion has me wondering how where to start. So, in an effort to not purge raw emotion all helter-skelter-y onto the interwebz, I will employ a strategy… the art of distraction. It’s different from denial. Because I said so.

Of course, the most distracting thing in my bed of tools, is humor.

And yes, I just typed out “bed of tools”.

Clearly, I need to get on with this post and get out.

*hrmmm*

I am certain you know I have some word issues. I’d like to add another word to that list: SLEEVE.

You may also know I have a fairly sensitive gag reflex. I know you know this because I write about these things and you read every single post I write. Write? Right? All millions baker’s dozen of you.

I also hate so many words all in one space so I’m going to put up a picture *scans thru iPhoto*… This one is from last week when I went into Pier One to drool. I took a picture with this cool orb-thing I really wanted. I figured if I couldn’t take it home with me, I would take a picture with her to remember her by. Besides, pictures last longer, so I hear…
Continue reading ‘Another Word… Sleeve’

After an hour of, “GO TO SLEEP. GET IN YOUR BED. QUIT PLAYING. GETINBED. QUIT. BED. QUIT. SLEEP. SILENCE!!!!”

It did grow quiet. I have written before about the fact that silence is not, in fact…. golden.

You see it was silent not because Lucy had fallen asleep. N-to-the-O-T.

Instead, she was quietly making herself pretty. She is VERY MUCH into making herself pretty. And for a four year old girl, color is pretty… no matter the source. In this case… it was marker as lipstick. And apparently a bit of “rouge” for her forehead:

She came downstairs… she said she was “Firsty.” I with my laptop and my husband with his… all snuggled into our onlinez. Both Paul and I groaned and each half-barked… “Lucy! You NEED to go to bed!”

And then we saw her pretty red lips.

Paul said, “My. You sure look pretty. Is that Mommy’s lipstick?”

Lucy said, “It’s not yipstick Daddy, it’s just marker.”

Just marker.

Being the stellar parent that I am… I busted-up laughing. Being the even stellarer parent that he is, my husband said, “Lucy. I need to take a picture.”

Good move daddy… I took a picture back in July when I discovered her sitting on the counter… after a play date with actual lipstick.

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