Waves of Melancholy
Melancholy + Jenny = not a match.
People expect “peace and sparkles”.
What most people don’t know, about me, is my inescapable bent toward being/feeling/seeing the negative.
Since I was a wee one.
The “peace and sparkles” you see here has been a strategy for me to become a positive person. A light.
I want to be like those I admire most – a joy.
The “peace and sparkles” mentality is a point of focus for me to keep my eyes up…
A tightrope. Don’t look down.
Jenny don’t look down…
Lately, it has felt like my natural bent toward dark thinking has been working hard to pull me under.
I don’t know why.
A gap in my faith?
It seems the voices are yelling at me… Highlighting my insignificance as a woman/ person/ mother/ friend/ business woman. My inefficiency as a woman/ person/ mother/ friend/ business woman.
On one hand I feel black and empty.
On the other hand I feel more creative and full than ever.
A black wall.
Sometimes literally. I can feel my throat physically closing.
It’s hard to be alone in my house at times.
I run upstairs from the basement.
Just like my children.
I pray. I share with a few…
See a doctor.
Read God’s word.
Get more sleep.
Honestly, I want to just run away.
Yet I’m tired of going.
I’m tired of expectations.
I want to sleep.
Yet I want to create.
I don’t know what I want to create… I just have this powerful yearning to CREATE.
To get it ALL out.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
Things within that want out vs. the pull of time and expectations and a fear about what wants to come out…
I am people-pleaser.
I do not speak my mind.
Smile. Nod. Smile. Nod.
Make a joke.
Peace and sparkles.
Guilt and fear.
I feel guilty for feeling so dark.
My life is good.
Yes, there are some things certainly creating stress… but on a comparable level… we all have things that weigh heavily on us. And many have more.
I have nothing to complain about.
Yet darkness… heaviness…
And I can’t breathe.
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