Waves of Melancholy

Melancholy + Jenny = not a match.

Right?

People expect “peace and sparkles”.

Right?

What most people don’t know, about me, is my inescapable bent toward being/feeling/seeing the negative.

Glass half-empty.

Since I was a wee one.

The “peace and sparkles” you see here has been a strategy for me to become a positive person. A light.

I want to be like those I admire most – a joy.

The “peace and sparkles” mentality is a point of focus for me to keep my eyes up…

A tightrope. Don’t look down.

Jenny don’t look down…

Lately, it has felt like my natural bent toward dark thinking has been working hard to pull me under.

I don’t know why.

Stress?

Exhaustion?

A gap in my faith?

It seems the voices are yelling at me… Highlighting my insignificance as a woman/ person/ mother/ friend/ business woman. My inefficiency as a woman/ person/ mother/ friend/ business woman.

On one hand I feel black and empty.

On the other hand I feel more creative and full than ever.

A black wall.

Stopping.

Blocking.

Suffocating.

Sometimes literally. I can feel my throat physically closing.

It’s hard to be alone in my house at times.

Fear.

I run upstairs from the basement.

Just like my children.

I pray. I share with a few…

See a doctor.

Get medicated.

Read God’s word.

Exercise.

Get more sleep.

Honestly, I want to just run away.

Yet I’m tired of going.

I’m tired of expectations.

I want to sleep.

Yet I want to create.

I don’t know what I want to create… I just have this powerful yearning to CREATE.

To get it ALL out.

I want to scream.

I want to cry.

HARD.

Things within that want out vs. the pull of time and expectations and a fear about what wants to come out…

I am people-pleaser.

I do not speak my mind.

Smile. Nod. Smile. Nod.

Make a joke.

Walk away.

Guilt.

Peace and sparkles.

Guilt and fear.

I feel guilty for feeling so dark.

My life is good.

Yes, there are some things certainly creating stress… but on a comparable level… we all have things that weigh heavily on us. And many have more.

I have nothing to complain about.

Yet darkness… heaviness…

And I can’t breathe.

feeling dark

********

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26 Responses to “Waves of Melancholy”

  1. Karen says:

    Oh my sweet sweet friend… I love you. No unsolicited advice, just love…

  2. Carrie says:

    Chin up, sister. You’re the brightest sparkle around!

    I get that. And I’m glad I get that. Cause now I see you get that, too. And knowing I’m not the only one that sometimes gets that…makes me feel, well…sparkly.

    Get it?

  3. Teri McD says:

    Sometimes darkness makes the sparkles brighter. Hugs to you!

  4. BrassyDel says:

    I think we’ve all been there, so at least you are not alone! Thank you for sharing, and I hope you feel better soon.

  5. Michelle W says:

    We cannot have light without dark.
    We have all been there…especially when the weather turns.
    You have lots of love surrounding you.
    You are loved.

  6. i know exactly what you mean…i feel that way, all the time!! the darkness, the guilt, the wanting to create, yet wanting to, at the same, time pull the covers over your head and not get out of bed for oh, i don’t know, EVER!

    just know you are not alone…hang in there{{hugs}} and prayers!

  7. Anke says:

    I so feel with you!
    This year has been hard on my spirit, positive attitude, overall feeling of well-being…
    But I keep telling myself: “All things come TO PASS”!
    Hang in there, girl! (I’m the one clinging to the rope to your right…)

  8. Tiffany says:

    I think you’re awesome. :) And I think God has BIG plans for you. Once you completely step into His plans…and stop fighting some of them…you are going to feel like you’ve ditched some seriously heavy luggage right off your back!! Keep being you and pressing in, because you’re going to experience major breakthrough soon. I just know it. :) Praying for you!!!

    • molly says:

      I’ve never commented here before, though I often read. But just wanted to say that I know this, and have been there. And you are not alone. (And I purposely tagged on to what Tiffany said, because I think her words are right on. )

  9. Leslie says:

    I spent most of last summer blue (or grey, or black). I tell you not to compare, but to commiserate. You are not alone. Sending much peace and lightness as you swim your way back up. Swim, friend, swim.

  10. Kimberly Dial says:

    You certainly are not alone … even if it’s just the two of us & I feel certain that it soooooo is not just the two of us! It’s certainly hard – nay, impossible – to sparkle all the time. Perhaps some quiet time & a bit of rest will help — that coupled with some time in The Word (<— this always works for me! :)

  11. Let it be. Then get on with it. It won’t last forever. Even though it feels like it will. Sometimes just doing is the only way to get over it. Kind of like exercising. You don’t want to do it, then you do and you feel great.

    I feel for you – I know exactly of what you speak. Thanks for sharing. You are awesome. You are a wonderful mother. You are a great friend. And a very talented writer. It’s okay to be yourself – in all forms that takes. HUGS

  12. Amy B. says:

    Thinking of you, and praying this passes soon.

  13. Gosh I know that feeling. I get it loads. I think it comes from expectations. Not even the ones others put on us, but the ones WE put on OURSELVES. It’s tough.
    xx

  14. Dawn says:

    I love that you are so real Jenny! Thank you for sharing. For me, in times like this, I, too, press into the Word, but I also listen to a lot of music. It helps me in ways that other things cannot. Make yourself a new playlist…one with songs that echo your feelings right now and ones that also bring hope. And if you want some suggestions…let me know.

  15. Angella says:

    Thank you for sharing… and know that you are not alone. Sometimes… when I get that way… I kinda feel like I need to go with it. Have a good cry… be alone… let it roll.

    Trust the process… words I’ve heard for years… hard to actually live… but know that this is something you need to experience. As noted above, the light shines much brighter after the dark.
    Hang in there!

  16. Tammy says:

    Oh girl…I feel for you! I was in a similar place 3 years ago. Everything came crashing down at me all at once! I ended up going to the doctor and she put me on medicine since I had huge depression and anxiety issues. I did taper off with the meds but about 8 months the depression started creeping back in my life. Sometimes I think it is God telling us we need a break as a mom, wife, volunteer, coordinator…so that we can get back to “ourselves.” I sometimes don’t understand why we have to feel broken but now that I am finally feeling better I can look back and see where I was.

    I am so much like you. The girl with the smiles (and you with your sparkles) who is actually crying inside. I was always known as giggles for as long as I can remember so feeling like this made me feel like an oxymoron. I send you the biggest squeeze ever girl! I am always just a phone call away too…just FB me and I will send it to you lickity split. I love you girl!

  17. D says:

    You are not alone. Hope you don’t mind me sharing some of my fav verses with you in no particular order. 1 Peter 2: 9-10, John 14:27, Isaiah 41:10, Ps 25:4-5, Ps 51:10. God is faithful. Jesus is the light and our strength. I found your site last week…. It is a joy to read your blog and I immediately wondered if you were a Christian. That seems to be the case…. Prayers + Love to you dear sister in Christ.

  18. *nodding*
    Girlfriend, we are more alike than you know.
    Sleep. We needs our sleep to heal our heads. And our friends. And our coffee.
    And to create, yessss. But we push ourselves too hard…overextend…lose us.

    Hang in there. <>

  19. Chantelle says:

    Thank you for your honesty. Some folks (I call them shiny happy people) are just naturally sunny and they don’t really uplift me because I know ‘me’ and baby, I WASN’T born that way. However knowing that you have to work at it… and yet you bring such big buckets of joy to those around you… helps me to feel even more inspired by you. It makes me feel like joy IS attainable. ((((((hug)))))) Praying for you.

  20. Jennifer S. says:

    Oh my gosh!! I know these feelings. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Sometimes they hang around for like a week – dang them. You put the whole thing into words, perfectly. I have no wisdom on this subject (as with most subjets) but know that I love you and your blog. And seeing as how this was posted a couple of days ago, I feel sure your next sparkley day has already arrived, but if not, I hope it gets there soon!!! You’re the best!!

  21. Amber says:

    Oh hugs to you!

    I think I’ve felt very similar. As an artist, I think creativity and melancholy spells are linked. It has something to do with observing life, sensing things, becoming introspective, feeling strong emotions, and then finding a creative outlet. It’s often hard to know where I’m at in the process, but I try to cut myself some slack and chalk it up to being a creative person. Or hormonal. That too.

  22. Kerry says:

    Jennnyyyyyyyyyyy!!! my darling…. I feel the same… You blogged the words outta my mouth. or my fingers. whatever. I too make jokes. Walk Away. Guilt. But I love you and all these fine commenting bloggy people love you. Your hot chocolate vlog just cheered me up no end. And that’s what its all about. Maybe instead of peace and sparkles this week, it’s ‘hot chocolate and marshmallows’. And that’s good too. What am I trying to say here??? maybe i should just hug you. ((((((sqqqueeeezzzeee))))))

  23. [...] I work on my mind and fight back the negativity… I find the things I am thankful for on a good day, I am even MORE thankful for at times like [...]

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