- March 5, 2010
- 17 Comments
- Fa' Real?, Health & Beauty
Are You An Aerobics Instructor Here? (Adventures at the Gym)
I have no idea. This is not me. Clearly. No pink stripes in the hair. Otherwise. Mirror much? I kid… I don’t kid.
One day (Wednesday), I ventured to the gym. I am rather committed to the pursuit of fitness… for the next 8 days.
It’s important to have a plan. You see, I am going to be the MC for my kids’ school auction next Friday and since the school auction is going to be all about me, I plan on wearing lots of glitter and a fabulous dress. A fabulous dress – I would like to wear – as opposed to having IT wear ME. Thus, pumping iron and whathaveyou.
Also, I will be overdressed, but word on the street is the Auctioneer is wearing a tux and I simple CANNOT have him outshine me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
IfyaknowwhatImean.
You wanna se my dress? This is the dress. Hold onto your hats.
Luh. Hur.
It’s a bit too short if you ask me. *chubby legs*… But that’s where the gym, the tanning booth and glitter come in. Camouflage people. It’s all about smoke and mirrors. A bit of tanning is the smoke and the glitter is mah mirrors. But don’t tell anyone. I don’t want my audience to know anything *shhhhh*. This is my secret for YOU, the interwebz.
I am still debating whether to wear a feather boa and a crown. I am fairly certain I want to make sure I not only have a microphone, but also a fan. I think the windblown look gives a certain *KAPOW* See below…
Me and no fan:
Me and fan:
Aaanywho. Me. Aerobics instructor… Not. Mostly because just as I cannot sing and play the tambourine, nor can I aerobe and speak, let alone instruct. I’d rather do laundry. Or math.
When I first started my workout Wednesday afternoon, I had a woman compliment my effort, “Wow. Nice job. Those are hard!” I burst out laughing. I had been working VERY hard to keep from sucking face with the Bosu ball…
Then I moved to my next Bosu (spelled U-SOB backwards, btw) feat. I don’t even know what this exercise is called. I call it — The Bouncy Bouncy Hey Look I’m A Human Helicopter And MAY Break AN Ankle or May Break The Nose of An Innocent Bystander move. Basically, one waves one’s arms about as one bounces and flies, stumbles and trips over the Bosu.
Start:
Middle:
End:
Then you go back the other way and do that 12 times. Twice. And believe-you-me. There is NO WAY to stay under the radar with this move. Enter, co-worker-outer:
*tap tap*
“Huh?” *I remove earbuds*
“Are you an aerobics instructor here?”
I snorted. Gawlly. How hawt is the snorting? I am a magnet. “Uh. Who? Wha? Huh? Ha? Where?” *looks behind, over and around self* “Who? Me?!”
“Yeah. Are you an aerobics instructor here?”
“Oh gollyheckalmightyonalltheearthNO. I can’t talk and do all that. Oh heavens no. No. No.” I stopped there tho. I decided against showing my stretchmarks and…
“My name is *insert man-name here*.”
“Oh. I’m not an aerobics instructor Heather Locklear exhausted a blogger SOLID Jenny.”
“You just look like you teach aerobics.”
“Thank you? Thank you.”
And when I got home I told my husband… “Hey baby. Someone asked me if I was an aerobics instructor. Pretty awesome, huh… You’re so lucky….”
He said, “So, I guess you didn’t show your stretch marks?”
I’m totally going back.
********
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17 Responses to “Are You An Aerobics Instructor Here? (Adventures at the Gym)”
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Glitter or no glitter, you’re going to be scrumptious in that dress. And for the record, I’d totally take aerobics from you.
Ok, first of all, that dress rocks. No boa – it will fight with all those fab ruffles (I love ruffles, but I look like nana’s sofa in them) and you definitely need a crown. ANd some glittah.
I’m with Carrie – I think aerobics with you would be infinitely more….erm…interesting than what I do here.
Oh, wait. I haven’t been going to the gym. To the point that the gym owner is emailing/phoning/stalking me (small town, smaller gym).
I REALLY need to go to the gym….
P.S. VERY cute dress!
people often ask me if i work at record stores, because i look like such a music snob. and then i punch them in the face.
in my mind.
Sister, you so can pull off that dress without smoke and mirrors! You will be rockin’! Next time when they ask if you teach there-just smile and say yes-it’s way more fun-and come up with a new alter-ego aerobics instructor!
@carrie – dude. I’d actually love to teach a dance class. But it’d be free-form. I’d just pump the jams and we’d go all funk-tastic!
@Jenn – Oooh, gym people are stalking you! P.S. I appreciate your bling-input and I will not wear a boa! If you belonged to my gym and you didn’t come in… I’d stalk you.
@jules – wanna go together?;)
@furiousball – you’re so furious.
@darcy – THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! And also…YES! A new alter-ego!!!! You are brilliant.
Dear Jenny,
The next time my kids play with their Barbies, I’m going to tell them to color in pink streaks.
Also, did you know Barbie’s middle name is Millicent? Random trivia much, Kearsie?
Thirdly, I’m thinking that USOB thing is a death trap and should be eridated henceforthimmediately.
I’d take a class from you…if you didn’t want the rest of your students to come back…ever.
And that dress is fab.u.lous!
p.s. I totally had that Barbie as a kid. I even had leg warmers that matched.
OMG…Totally wear the Feater Boa AND the Crown!!! Why not! Me, on the other hand…I’ll be wearing jeans and a down vest…yes…I know…it’s a big step out of the ordinary for me…but you know…I wanna be COMFORTABLE when I beg my husband to spend more money!!
You’re GONNA be great!
I didn’t realize the auction was about you…I thought it was about ME!!! Huh…we might have some fightin’ for territory goin’ on! I heard stretch marks are a badge of honor. This was said in the sense of having kids. Unfortunately, in my case they are a badge of honor of the mass quantities of beer I drank in college. Priorities man!
Oh and the auctioneers sweet wife made him a sparkly vest to go with his tux. You guys are gonna totally match. Oh cute, matchy matchy!
We must see photographic evidence of you gracing the event in that stunning dress. Wow! So hawt.
And that’s a pretty sweet compliment! I’d totally go back too!
GREAT DRESS! (See? I used all caps. to express how fab it is).
I am no dressing-up expert, but maybe some glittery dangly earrings to go with it?
You totally teach aerobics!
That dress is SUH-WEEEET, and you iz gonna look fine, chubby legs or no.
Someone once asked me if I was pregnant. Actually, the way it was put was: “When is the blessed event?” If it hadn’t been an old frail man who asked, I would’ve shown him MY stretch marks, if you know what I mean. Do you? I don’t.
You are gonna rock that dress! It’s gorgeous! I vote no on the boa though – it’ll draw attention for the ruffles and those are heavenly!
I love your drawings
[...] After much debate with my soul and wallet… I decided NOT to Craigslist my brand-spanking new… high-end, RED, Dutch design stroller with a wicked-sharp turning ratio. Instead I decided to donate it to my kids’ school… to the annual auction. The one I shared about in this post here… [...]
[...] This weekend was the school auction. The one in which I said YES! to a microphone. But what you may not be aware of is I also said YES! to creating a Keynote (Power Point, but with my beloved Mac Awesome). And with that… I took a bit of liberty with communicating the auction *ahem* goods. [...]
[...] (Image source) [...]