- October 14, 2009
- 25 Comments
- Family & Friends, Health & Beauty, Humiliation, Not So Much, Skillz
My Butt Hurts, You Don't Even Know.
So. I have this friend. Darcy. A personal trainer. A personal trainer who happens to be my friend who has been cruel kind enough to show me how to properly and effectively work mah boday. She is into “functional training”, and I’m all, “Heh… she said “function”…
Lemme tell ya, the first time she functionally beat the living crap out of me werked her functional magic… I spent lots of time face to rubber with the butt of a Bosu ball. She is a HUGE fan of the bosu ball, thusandtherefore, I have now sucked face with a great number of Bosu balls. Lucky Bosus. I’m kidding.
*not me* but… been there done that.
Wanna cookie?
I digress….
I went to her gym today so she could educate me, and a mere 12 hours later… mah butt HURTS. OH. MY. HEAVENLY. FUNTIONISMS. Ijustmightdie.
She’s good. She’s reaaaaaal good. *functionally pops 4 Ibuprofen*
She taught me all kinds of painful fun new moves.
Again — *not me*
I was unable to take pictures of me during my punishment training. Partly due to shame, but mostly due to flexibility issues. I mean, you do remember the “self-photography incident of Summer 2009″… don’t you?
Not so much pregnant, but try telling my shadow that, yo. Stupid purse.
Since I did not take any pictures of me on miscellaneous torture machines Darcy training me… I drew a few. To illustrate.
Pardon the quality. My scanner is broken, so I took pictures of my drawrings with Photo Booth on my Mac. Nothing quite like ingenuity, ehh?
Here are a few illustrations on the core training portion of our session…
First: The Plank…
I had this actual look on my face, and matching feeling in my heart.
Next: Leg somethings…
I actually am not sure she had me do this one. But my body feels like I did. Childbirth, anyone?
Now, I am not a fan of the gym-grunter-type-people. In fact, I make fun of The Grunters. I mean, c’mon. Seriously?
OH. But. Today.
I grunted. It’s all your fault Darcy! And now I have a strange craving for protein powder… Wait. No. Nevermind…
Stinkers. How’d they get in this post?
Then she made me do THIS with my body:
Grunting? No, I think I went straight to “HOWLING”.
Then she wanted me to do this cute move where I hopped (read: BALANCE SKILLZ) onto the round side of the Bosu ball. She looked like this:
I looked like this:
This is not to scale. My legs are not actually that long, but… you get the picture.
O.K. I didn’t actually FALL. But I felt like falling. That is what my brain was telling my body would happen. That is what THE LAW OF GRAVITY demands. Someday… someday…
At one point, she had me STAND on the upside down side (flat) of the BOSU, with 2 ten pound weights.
You are breathing in a paper bag for me, aren’t you? I started laughing so hard I had to hold onto Darcy so as not to fall… I said, “I’m sorry. I need to hold onto you until I get my laughing out.”
Typical. I exhaust myself sometimes.
My advice – do not stand on an upside down Bosu ball unless you are depressed.
In an effort to help me refocus, Darcy had to encourage me with this line, “Think of something sad.”
I thought about my muffin top.
Darcy then introduced me to the TRX. I think that stands for The Real Xhell… or Terrible Real Xcruciatingawfulness.
Reminds me of an institution in which I once resided.
You have no idea. She made me do this:
I. Know. On top of it all… to gain access to the veritable motherlode of TRXs, one had to be taken to the Inner Sanctum — The Training Room. I was Neo… and Darcy was my Morpheus….
Darcy is the one on the left. I am right next to her… the one on the right is another victim trainee. It is in this room the real damage training gets done. Shhh… it’s a secret… BTW, Darcy is not yelling at me… she is laughing at me. We got each other’s back like that.
And that, my friends is why… when I wake up in a few short hours to go run 4 miles… I will be channeling the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Working out is so hawt.
And Darcy really is all kinds of awesome. No matter how crazy she is:) She’s smart too. And we share clothes. She has cute clothes. I go through this torture so I can keep wearing her clothes 
**********
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25 Responses to “My Butt Hurts, You Don't Even Know.”
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Oh, my god, this is hilarious. I’ve had encounters with the Bosu Ball, and they always end in tears. Followed by cookies.
you had me at “My Butt”
OMG. The cartoons are hilarious and your commentary rocks, just like your butt apparently. I have one of those balls. It’s rolling around in my basement somewhere collecting a layer of kitty litter dust.
Those contraptions you’re using are going to kill you, I’m sure of it. It was nice knowing you.
I pray that laughter really does burn a lot of calories, because OMG! I laughed so hard through this entire post! You killed me!
p.s. – I will barter you some brownies for some of those cookies…
That strap set-up looks like something out of the Spanish Inquisition (no one expects the Spanish Inquisition….sorry Monty Python joke…couldn’t help it…). Either that or someone’s sex life is waaay too kinky for this family program…
Dude, that post made me actually want to go and exercise. Is that good or bad?
I might have figured something out after reading your post! You know how if you play a record backwards, you can hear the hidden meaning? Well, if you spell Bosu backwards, it spells U Sob. Coincidence? I think not.
What kind of a torture chamber are they running there? Love the drawings… they give the complete picture.
I am laughing so hard right now and I was there! You are awesome and did an awesome workout and sickly enough-hearing you are in pain today makes me smile-just a little!
I like those bosu balls and the exercise ball too! They make things a little more challenging and fun! Loved your pictures–you draw very well! The trainers love hearing that you’re sore, looks like you really made Darcy’s day with this post. Those cookies look yummy too! Are those part of your nutrition plan?
Hi, I am the trainer of the other victim in the room. I, too, have to smile a little in regards to your painful butt. Congratulations to Darcy on this accomplishment. (Trainers are a sick sort) You did a great job!
I don’t understand why the last photo in the post didn’t note that it wasn’t you.
IS that you?
Thanks for taking me on a virtual workout! The Bosu ball is NOT my friend either and my poor sister (a real workout fiend) fell off one and chipped her tooth, so we’re not fans.
So, will you try it again???
I’m another one of Darcy’s victims and I know your pain. Why does she have to laugh so much when she tortures us???
Okay, okay! I give! You can have the house! The big-screen teevee….the blender…just MAKE IT STOP!
you’re killing me.
I’ll be toned as hell, but I’ll be dead.
Thanks for that.
Wicked funny post Jenny! And the workout sound seriously i.n.t.e.n.s.e!
Hilarious. Just thinking about attempting that makes me want to cry…the cookies look yummy
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I love you, Jenny.
Thanks for the laugh Jenny!
After a long hard day with my son who has autism and mr (6 tantrums later), my 16 year old (attitude since he came home from school and right up until bedtime), my other son who has a different form of autism (poor guy had a bad bad day at school and couldn’t even explain); a hubby who went to the bar to try and thaw out from the past week of challenges, to me (trying to beat breast cancer); in all seriousness, I loved this post. I laughed so hard, my belly hurt and I couldn’t stop…. I will smile during my little bit of sleep tonight! Thank you again! Sue p.s.laughter is the best cure for every type of stress in my book!
I’m a LAUGHER at the gym. As in, “HA, HA! You think I can do THAT?!” My trainer (I have since moved away, alas) used to say, “Don’t laugh at the gym.” He also said I had biceps like Vaclav Havel’s liver.
Once upon a time I did. Now I’m all squishy.
Awesome piece on someone that certainly deserves BlogRockStar status! WOW! I have to admit that I fell victim to TheDarcy many years ago and it continues to this day … I’m sure this is the same DarcyOne because the other day she dumped her entire friggin’ address book into an email, told everyone about this BloggyThingy and gave most of the free world, plus me, access to it… So now I am sticking at least my little pinky into Commenting-On-A-Blog out in the open in the Big Bad Blogging world … whatever! Notice that I am trying to adopt the right lingo here, even though being a 150-gazillion-year-old, over-the-hill male I probably have Little-In-Common with anyone reading this. If you are a 150-gazillion-year-old, over-the-hill male please accept my apologies! BTW…whoever said “once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed” Was Right! But I digress………
Mainly, I am giving some tips here for those feeling compelled to expose themselves (well, not literally for pete sakes! … this seems like a family show here!) to somebody like TheDarcy.
Admitting to DarcyVictim-ization is a Big Step. Kudos to you JennyOnTheSpot! Nice drawings. You should contract with TheDarcy for these so she has something to send away with you as you try to figure out how to torture, er…do this yourself. TheDarcy and I have both tried drawing these for years. You have produced masterpieces! Even so, I think its hopeless for me to do this “(dis?)-functional training” stuff without accidentally hanging myself or otherwise making joints function in ways they weren’t meant to, so I will have to keep coming back. An endless load of butt-crunches, ab-lunges, plyo-metric soleus-gastrocnemia a-ductor and core engaging will have to be personally directed by TheDarcy. (WARNING: for those that have not experienced it: those words back there are some that TheDarcy might use for mesmerizing you just before the really dumbfounding contortions are demonstrated and then demanded from you)
There are ways to ensure surviving TheDarcy. A good tactic is to make sure there is another human within earshot. Try to establish eye contact, and say “its all her fault” in a low and controlled voice. This can be effective after a particularly embarrassing and uncontrolled “yeeowww” or “uuuggghhhheeeeoooo-OK-I-Give”. BTW, at another torture chamber, er… gym, the one where TheDarcy began her victimizing ways, they had signs up that said “NO GRUNTING OR MOANING ALLOWED”. ***I am not making this up!!!*** Can you imagine … turning you over to somebody like TheDarcy and then having to look at big “NO GRUNTING OR MOANING ALLOWED” signs that were strategically located next to the most diabolical contraptions? That place is now out of business, but TheDarcy lives on. Again I digress…..
Back to surviving … you should also try to make social contact with one of the other torturers, er … trainers close by. Learn their names. They will have no pity on you, but it can buy you some time to recover from gasping. But don’t be too obvious or linger with this. It can result in additional “reps” if TheDarcy gets on to you. These defenses are more difficult if she takes you to the secret locked torture, er … workout room where it seems only the hardcore Darcys take their victims. In this case you have to slip in an occasional “I really-feel-the-burn on THAT one”, or ” ahem…losing my Form HERE!” and then teeter some–as if you could help it anyway–to really sell it. All of this has to be done while not failing to listen to multiple conflicting directions for turning and twisting body parts in unnatural ways.
BUT, not to worry, .. actually, I’ve found that The Darcy will NOT let you NOT survive. She needs to see the pain and hear the complaining that can only come from a squirming and contorted human dangling helplessly from that TRX contraption, or from The-Burn-of-Squatting for ?hours? (you lose track of time) with a 700-bajillion-pound lead bar on your shoulders, or from sucking face with a Bosu until you admit that you like the smell of it. [DARCY STOP READING HERE] So I’m safe because she has to make sure you survive.
All warnings aside — and now you will see that the DarcyVictim-ization of me is hopelessly complete — [OK DARCY, START READING AGAIN] This Darcy is good! And she is always proud of her victims, er … clients, and has time and again inspired many of us to do things that we never thought were possible. (Okay, THEY MAY NOT BE possible, but she convinces you that you did them anyway!). I don’t know whether this creaky old geezer of a DarcyVictim would ever be welcome to Go Blog-Commenting here again or not, but you can bet that in the meantime I will be gettin’ some Serious Butt Burnin’ torture, er .., fitness sessions as result of doin’ it this time..
Been There. Done some of that. Not with Darcy but there are others of her kind. You make it all sound much funnier than I realized it was.
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