- March 2, 2010
- 25 Comments
- Family & Friends, The Confessional
The Confessional – Insecurity, Freedom and Good Friends
I have long been afflicted with a condition called “insecurity”. I was a shy little girl. By high school I found myself in a space I was comfortable in…chubby, but comfortable… and some of the “shyness” began to melt away.
If I look at the big picture of my life, I see pockets of freedom and pockets of shyness. Even in adulthood. Were I a scientist, I might hypothesize that the periods of freedom had a direct correlation to the people I chose to let into my life.
During my perceived “shy” periods, I think I was fearful. I was insecure. I lacked confidence — in who I was or wanted to be. Or my weight held me back. I wavered in my own convictions based on who was around. Acceptance, popularity, inclusion… Familiar much? I think I sought out the wrong people.
But I’m older now. I never thought growing older could be a good thing…
As I have struggled and {to be honest} still struggle with desiring acceptance… life and experience has aged me and I have changed. I have become less guarded, more open, a bit louder, a bit sillier, warmer… free-er… and as a result a bit creative-ier 
My creativity has been given freedom to blossom and in that – I have been given the freedom to live life more fully.
It’s hard though… being able to embrace the freedom I am finding in being be the person I believe God created me to be. I am self-reflective to a fault. If there is something good about me, I can make that a bad trait. So I search inside looking for faults to work on, not realizing I have been building walls, not actually fixing anything. I have spent years building very thick and high walls that have kept me from being:
- one who laughs easily
- one who welcomes warmly
- one who hugs freely
- one who hurts deeply
- one who gets wounded easily
- one who forgives freely
- one who never really had ONE best friend, but is blessed with a bright collage of friendships that create a beautiful life picture.
God created me to be free. To be Jenny. Over the years I let my own judgments about me, and my own perceived judgments from others smoosh the freedom and joy in life that I believe God intended for me.
I don’t think I am unique in this self-”smooshing”.
I don’t think I was ever a shy little girl. I was scared. Of life. Of people. Of contrary opinion. Wanting to be accepted. I thought acceptance meant shaping my life to the expectations of others. As a result, I hid so I wouldn’t draw attention and attract unfavorable judgment.
Today, I DO care what others think… but more often from people I admire, regard and respect. People who encourage, support, giggle, and get their crazies out with me. We laugh unhindered and weep openly. We dance madly and fearlessly…
Photo credit: Mark Gsellman
I continue to learn – to strive to live to the fullest — because I have a safe place to do it. A healthy place to bloom. There were times I tried to fit the round girl that I am into a square hole. Take that as you will. But, by that I mean, not all people are the right people for me. Most are… *wink* but not all. I have lost good time and heart on reaching out to the wrong ones.
I thought I wanted to be “cool”. Ahhh, but I have a warm heart that lives on my sleeve. I will never, ever be “cool”. AndIamOKwiththat. Finally.
Bravery begets bravery. Surrounding oneself with quality people… warm people… those who are strong in character, gracious in spirit, and joyful in diversity… the gentle and kind-spirited… The ones who dare tell me I’ve gone too far, but will walk with me still. With them I can fail and still be lifted back to standing.
It is in this environment I thrive… In THIS environment I begin to finally live my life to the fullest. Watching the bravery and courage of my friends… watching their sacrificial love… receiving their empathy… advice… having their shoulder or ear… watching them love teaches me how to love.
And dancing… with the freedom of a child, but with better gross motor skillz…
My walls are not all torn down. I know not everyone will like me. I cannot predict who that will be. I still fear. I just have a better perspective.
So… if you come across a 37 year old woman with pink streaks in her hair… and she’s a little loud, and a little silly… it’s either because she is living freely… or she is scared. For as much as I have learned, and as much as I believe I am free… I find a thick security blanket of silliness proves to be a great way to hide. Hey, I’m human.
As I often say… I’m not perfect. Just awesome. I just have awesome friends.
How about you? Do you hide? Do you care? Have you ever struggled with issues of acceptance? Am I crazy? Don’t answer that last one. Ignorance is bliss.
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25 Responses to “The Confessional – Insecurity, Freedom and Good Friends”
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I have always been a shy person. Most people I know don’t believe me when I say that. That’s because when you feel safe or like you’re among friends, shyness tends to melt away like icecream in the Mississippi heat.
What took me 876 – you were able to say PERFECTLY in 3 sentences. Exactly
Jenny, I could have written this post – although I’m still not secure enough to put pink streaks in my hair. I would never have believed this! Silliness is the way to go. Its much better than the awkward stammering that I manage.
You are awesome, AND you are cool.
I’ve always been shy – and insecure – one of these days I’ll grow out of it!
i can’t see this line…
“one who hugs freely”
and not think…
“one who pees freely”
why?
sweety, you’re def not alone in feeling this way. shyness is defense mechanism that we all use. we all want to be one of the cool kids. we just have to find where we fit.
[hearts] for you!
@Jenn – I would come & put pink in your hair, and then we’d put on glitter then go dancing
Also, if people don’t like it, they’ve never told me so 
@furiousball – I expected nothing less from you. Also, you are built to pee freely. Me? Not so much. Boys are lucky.
@cali – Yes! It has taken a long time, but I think I know where I fit. Well, until I am put in a new place
*hearts* to you to! And *smiles*
Dear World,
Almost 17 years ago I sat in a campus lunchroom and asked myself, “Self?” I said. “You deserve a date with the funnest, funny, cute girl on campus.” We agreed that the first date would include bungie jumping. How many of you would have willingly climbed on a huge scale in front of a boy you barely knew on a first date? We began a long fall that night… for each other, with each other, where the bottom is? who knows. But it’s the joy that I share with my love that reminds me that the long fall, with moments of that stomach thing on rollercoasters, will absolutely pay off in ways only God has prepared.
17 years ago, Jenny was the fun confidence I needed. I love that you all get a piece of it too. Glitter and all.
Another post in which you have freaked me out for this psychic insight into my soul.
Great post, Jenny! We have all been there! I spent most of my growing up in that state of fear an insecurity and self-conciousiness. It’s only been in the last 10 years that I am truly starting to blossom and feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. I truly think the 30″s rock. And here’s to many more laughs, hurts, hugs and dances!
Shoot. If you are not cool, then I’m way off, because I’ve been using you as my coolness measuring stick since we met!
And I love you and could not live in a world without jennyonthespot, Jenny BFF, J-Bling, and the family that comes with.
Dear Jenny,
I wish I lived anywhere within the vicinity of your pink streaks. I feel we would be very Anne/Dianeish and be bosom buddies and we would go to the coffeehouses and you would drink your coffees and I would drink my chai teas and you would try to encourage me to go ahead and get that nose piercing that I’m so sure my church folk would admonish me about and I would file away little things for Keyboard Confessions whilst chatting with you, about how I’m learning to be free from J-Bling who looks so much like that Jenifer Aniston lady and it would be too much fun.
Love,
Kearsie
I’m not sure which touched me most: your post or your husband’s comment. Either way, wow.
Geez laweez Jenny, you made me choke up! You are a super star–good words, written well! All we can ever strive to be is gracious and enlightened! I want to teach my boys to be the same (I’m failing miserably—but there’s still hope–they’ll meet good women and get straightened out) I figure people can either accept me, or shove it up their who-ha’s! (how’s that for gracious?) I may need help on that part!!
You rock!!!
I just ended up here from the Dr. Google post on Blogher – because I really related to your comment there. And then… Wow, because this is pretty much what I wrote about only a few days ago. In a different kind of way, but I relate so very much. So, yes, I just had a double relatedness here
Your writing is very, very touching.
Your husband is The Sweetest!
And you are The Wonderfulest!
I know how you feel. I was voted “Most Friendly” in jr. high, yet I find myself in more insecure moments than I’d like.
One of the best posts I have ever seen you write. Love,love,love it! You’re the best!
Blessings
Denise
@Husband – oooh, nice one, baby!
@Dumblond – I do tend to freak people out
@Darcy – Yes! MANY more!
@Lizulfisa – back atcha, sis
OK. Clearly, You. Are. Loved.
This many beautiful comments within minutes of you posting proves you are one of the cool kids.
I just know that when we visit, we have fun.
I like you~ Whoever you are at the time:)
Dear @Kearsie – we both know that’d be our bliss.
Love,
Jenny
@jubilee –
thank you, my darlin’ 
@andrea – I love it!!!!!
@monica – thank you for coming by… and for taking the time to share… I need to go check out your post!
@nanette – I get it – totally <3
#thecottagechick – {{{huuuugs}}}}
loved this read. you inspire me.
Oh, Jenny, this is a fantastic post! I love it so much. I felt like I was nodding along in agreement with everything here. I have and sometimes continue to hide behind self deprecation or humor or such to not put my real self out there. I’ve also been one who is quick to disregard myself. This is still a work in progress for me, but about a year ago, I was struck by a sermon about how it dishonors God to put yourself down since we’re created in his image. It honestly was like one of those lightbulb moments for me. I spend a tremendous amount of time picking out my flaws, etc., rather than realizing what I can do with what I’ve been given.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I just want to say that this post truly resonated with me. Thank you for writing it.
Just so you know, when I think of someone that inspires me to break down some of the walls I’ve built, to laugh a bit louder, to be a bit more free: I think of YOU and hope to one day find my way to be more like you.
Wow. What an inspiring, honest post! I struggle with “acceptance” quite a bit. I am self-confident, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want people to like me. Ya know?
Happy SITS Saturday!
Just recently discovered your blog, so that explains why I’m just now stumbling across an older post of your’s.
But really, I couldn’t agree more. Your post describes my past to a T … afraid to be myself, because I was afraid of judgment, ‘contrary opinion’, as you put it. All I ever wanted was to be liked, appreciated, accepted. I wasted alot of time molding my thoughts, and thus myself, around what people would think of me. I didn’t know who I was for a very long time. I know who I *tried* to be! Within the past year or two, I am just starting to live for myself, to make myself happy! (At age 24 1/2, holy crap!) Posts like these tell me I’m not alone. Thank you for the e-comaraderie and the encouragement. Keep up the real-life, silly, optimistic posts!