Personal Thoughts on Using Facebook & Twitter

But first, a video:

Crazy, ehh?

This is a different world for us. For our children. How do we navigate this new social world?

I recently went on a bit of a social media fast. I am still processing what changed for me. Some quick thoughts:

• I feel like I lost ground… in the social media world. I lost some of my grip on the fast moving train, but I don’t feel like I fell off. I am still not back to Twitter like I had been. That could simply be due to the fact that life demands things of me where I simply cannot tend to that area of my interest… of my life.
• I feel like I gained ground. But not much. The laundry was never completely done, the kitchen was never completely cleaned, the kids were never completely satisfied.
• It was not a complete fast. I still had paid gigs to tend to and I simply could not abandon email. Not that I NEED email, but my circle of contacts and friends have come to expect email is as reliable as a phone message. I cannot ignore email.
• I found I missed Facebook. “No kidding” was your first thought, right? I find I missed it for a reason I didn’t expect. I felt left out. Like the kid who was grounded. I felt like I missed out on news and happenings… good news, sad news, writing birthday wishes on walls, jokes, banter… I learned Facebook has become a tool I really rely on to feel connected. That seems obvious, but  this “fast” showed me the extent it has affected my feeling of connectedness.
• Email is still my nemesis.
• It is hard to read all the blogs I desire to read. During this time my passion to try to keep up on other blogs was realized. Now the struggle is finding a system.

But what got me thinking about writing this was a post at Mashable, Facebook Quitters: Find Out When Someone De-Friends You.

I posted the link to the article on my Facebook page and wrote:

Honsetly. How do you feel about this being notified when you are unfriended? I am not a fan. And I am pretty sure I lost 2 “friends” because of this posting, but not sure who because I have not signed up.

The fact that I do not know who has unfriended me may call my opinion of “friend” into question. Facebook “friends”, for me are not only close friends, but also acquaintances. Past friends or childhood connections… maybe after a reconnection the excitement of finding that old pal from preschool you shared a wagon with during recess, just the memory of them is more fun than the present reality of who they are. Or they are too offensive, or boring, or play too many games that post on your news feed…

I will admit, finding out you have been de-friended/un-friended has a bit of a sting… Which brings me to the “meat” of this post. Is it really “cool” to simply click an option and end a “friendship”? Is it relationally responsible? I am not saying it is or it isn’t. I’m just asking.

I have unfriended one person. I doubt they noticed. It was one of those people who never checks, never interacts, and had a profle pic I was uncomfortable with, and I will probably not run into that person as I engage in my real life. But what if they did notice? Do they deserve an explanation?

There is so much criticism about people breaking up by text… is this any different? It feels like cutting-off conversation. I have been unfriended a number of times… I am not aware of each individual that has, but I have figured out a couple. We were not close. Perhaps they wanted to peek? I think I offended one with an encouragement on relaxation: to drink some wine:) Perhaps it was offensive to have written that on her wall. If that was the case, I’d have offered apology and would have been mindful of how I encouraged her next time. And in reality, I don’t know what happened, but her choice jogged my memory of a difficult relationship in our youth. With many connections (due to FB) from my youth, the exchange has been delightful. We have grown. But perhaps not all of us have.

All this spontaneous un-friending causes me to worry (for lack of a better word)… about people being able to avoid “issues” and not work things out – among friends. Will this become our culture? I do not allow my children to stomp off when they are displeased. We work things out. Not that this applicable to all situations, but I hope you catch my drift.

Nowadays I appraoch friendship on Facebook with a narrower scope, but broader opening. I warn potential Facebook friends that I am noisy. I wait longer to ask if the person is on Facebook. While we may hit it off IRL, our FB friendship style may just not match. I am silly, noisy, play-up my “awesome”… yet I’m really a withered-up black ball of hopelessness and insecurity on the inside.

But I like to play. And that is irritating to some. Others have their Facebook “issues”… but I post often… links, videos, comments, status updates… and it is too much for some. I guess, ultimately, I figure if somebody wants “out”, they can get out. I don’t need to be notified, they can have a safe way. But if there is something I did, maybe we can chat?…

And I think I just am bothered on a more global level. Being able to slip in and slip out… is just another step in our culture’s ability to enable this growing trend in evading responsibility.

There is always the exception. But…

What are some things I do to help manage my relationships on Facebook?

• I like to use the “hide” feature. I use it on those who’s noise is not as appealing or personally interesting. I can peek in and say “Hi”, but do not have to give my news feed wall space for them. I care about them, but do not care to hear it all. Of course, if you happen to be a FB friend, I have not hidden YOU
• I have blocked nearly every application. I don’t pass drinks anymore, nor do I tend any gardens. Some people LOVE this stuff, and I am genuinely happy for my friends to have found an activity that fits them and is a source of fun or relaxation. I have learned my relaxation in Facebook is conversation, sharing ideas, and acting silly. And sometimes a rant or two. My idea of a fun night on Facebook is browsing the walls of my friends and getting a better idea of who they are, what they like and adding a comment… posting a link… making a video… So… if we are Facebook friends, and I don’t send you drinks, it not becuase I don’t like to get my drink on… rather, I am showing my interest in you by *trying* to keep up with you. We all have different ways we show we care. I do appreciate the drinks and invites, but I find if I entertain all of those invites, I’d have very little time to actually engage with the people I made friends with.
• I make lists that help filter the feed page. I have several… for example: Childhood, College, My Homies, Family, Bloggers, and a few others. That way, I can select a list and only see updates for the people I put in that list.
• I am open to un-friending poeple. I believe one needs to be able to protect and manage one’s space and reputation. I almost had to do it with one “friend”, but after a series of private messages and then a very inappropriate comment on my wall, I removed the comment. The “friend” promptly “un-friended” me once I deleted her comment. She knew where I stood, but pushed the line anyway. “Conversation” had been a previous process. I feel fine about how it ended. I tried, she pushed.
• I will delete comments. I may or may not offer an explanation why. But I will give one if asked. It is usually pretty clear. A number of teens are my friends on Facebook and I feel a level of responsibility to keep some level of PG… even if at times it is PG 13.
• I don’t friend anyone under 14. I need to have a space. I have had a number of requests from kids as young as 9. I adore these kids, but I am an adult, who keeps it pretty all-ages appropriate, but… I am an adult who needs some space to complain about her period or male whale tale fail. And I have adult friends who are funny, and write on my wall, and I want to not to have to worry about feeling the need to censor some acceptable, yet adult-style humor.
• I have not met all my FB friends in real life, but… I’d like to think that each one could be trusted to know I am not home for the weekend. I am fairly choosy about my FB friends because I like having a space I can open up a little more… to freely post pics of my kids, and not worry about who is observing.

This last point brings me to Twitter… what are my thoughts on Twitter (notthatyouasked)…

• I look at every profile of the people I follow, and have visited the website or blogs of most. If I send a direct message, it is from me and not a bot. I am not a big-shot though, so it is managable. However, it does take time.
• Unless I am familiar with a new follower I am not already following, I wait a couple of days before I follow back. I’ve noticed it weeds out the spammers who just want followers. If you can’t direct message them, then it means they are not following you anymore. That makes my choice easy. Since I look at every profile, i look to see if “message” is an option. If not, I do not follow.
• I block the pornies. I don’t block the financial peeps, but I’m thinkin’ about it. I am getting braver when it comes to blocking. As I become more familiar with who and what is out there, I realize the ability to keep the creeps away is a valuable tool…
• If someone follows me, but has a locked account… I will not ask to follow them, unless they @ reply me when they follow… or eventually. I feel uncomfortable asking to be let in, even if they followed me first. What do you do?
• BUT, I will ask to follow someone with a locked account if there is a level of familiarity.
• I don’t usually tweet my location. But I have on rare occasion. Like at BlogHer… My family was at home… I was out of town, but not alone. I encourage folks to be choosy about how specific you are. There is a a great benefit (say, arranging a cab-share with fellow Tweeters at a conference), but we need to be wise and understand there is an added risk when you are sharing your location with 500, 1000, 1500… or more people who you probably don’t know.
• I NEVER Tweet that I am not – or no one is at home. The same with this blog. That’s just plain safety right there. You and Twitter will find out about my vacation AFTER my vacation.
• I sometimes check Friend or Follow… to keep up on who has dissed me – haha I use it as a spam filter. There are a number of people I follow who do not follow me back, but I enjoy their Tweets. I hope someday they’ll like mine, but if not… that’s cool. I enjoy what they have to say regardless of me. But the spammers… they must be put in their place! Friend or Follow is the most time-efficient way for me to keep track.

I think that is plenty. I am interested in your secrets or philosophy. I get to share about some of this in October at local MOPS group. I’d love to add the advice and input of my fellow social media mavens and wizards What say you?

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