- September 1, 2005
- 8 Comments
- General, Parenting/Family
Dark Side or Reality
I don\’t know if this is the dark side of mothering, or just the reality.
It can really suck sometimes. How\’s that for eloquence? It sucks to not have family around. I\’ve heard the saying, \”Friends are the family you make for yourself\”. I have seen this firsthand in my own life, especially since my second child was born. If it were not for the family of friends that has grown around me, I would truly be, well… screwed. My family of friends includes the most stellar people imaginable. However, I still feel a bit shorted. I know I am not alone though – so many women raise their families without the benefit of having family nearby. Like them, I just don\’t want it to be that way.
I am 32 and I need a mom. I need the nurture, the compassion, the unconditional love. I do have that, but the miles between me and my mom add up to expensive flying or 20 hours of driving each way. I find I need that stuff in person, and more than a couple times a year.
Circumstances highlight my loneliness, my separate-ness. When my daughter throws up 200 feet from the babysitter\’s home, I feel the void. Where do I turn? I won\’t ask my friends watch my sick kids, they need to keep their own kids healthy. But my Mom would be there in the blink of an eye – neither vomit, nor poo, nor snot, nor trials of potty training would keep her from supporting her grown daughter, and spending time with her grandbabies.
I stayed up until nearly 2 a.m. last night to make today – ULTRA ERRAND DAY – most successful. I should be at Target right now, I should be feeling productive. Instead, I sit fighting back tears, forming feelings into words, but still coming up short. Some things I can\’t express, some things I should not. I am again reminded of how my life has taken shape outside of family. There is much goodness and blessing in my life, but there are pockets of time I long for this hole to be filled in…
I cannot end this without adding one thing – my dear husband. This extends beyond motherhood, into parenthood. His efforts to help fill this void are heroic. He suffers the consequences of this dilemma as well. A rested and joyful spouse is a better spouse, and these days rest and joy are on the top shelf – and our step-stool appears to be missing…
8 Responses to “Dark Side or Reality”
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i hear you. 100%. i wish i had my mother close by.
sending you a huge vomit-free hug
I fully understand and relate, my dear Jenny. I am 48 years old and somedays I really wish my mom didn\’t live so far away.
sending lots of love and hugs xoxoxox
I feel the exact same way you do, Jenny. Now that I have a child, I long to live closer to my folks. Aside from the fact that they are crazy about him and vice versa, I know I would feel like I had more of a support system.
I’m saying a prayer for you.
Every time my mom visits (we\’ve never lived in the same state since I got married), or even often when we talk on the phone, one of us chimes in with, \”I wish we lived closer…we could do x and y and it would be so great….\”
Moms just can\’t be replaced, and there isn\’t a point when we suddenly don\’t need them anymore. It seems like my mom makes the world go round and life is more real when I\’m with her. I\’m 33.
I hope the stepstool shows up soon, or God moves the joy down a few shelves for you…and know that this stage will pass…you will make it through.
I hear you. I\’ve been there. Sometimes, rest and joy can be found at floor level, too. If you can, take a day off, and just play with your babies. Eat picnic food on the floor, snuggle, read, just be. The work will wait. It\’s not the same thing as having your mom there, but a playday with the kids can smooth the rough edges and remind you how simple things can be.
Hey.. Jenny,
Imagine me.. my folks in asia.. and i\’m in canada. i have a great mother in law and father in law.. but it\’s not the same.
i know how you feel.. because i feel the same way often enough.
As for my spouse .. i sometimes feel bad for him.. because .. he does try so hard.. to help me.. and make things right. But i can be depressed sometimes.. and turn into a total bitch.
I wish my mom were here too. Sometimes I call like 10 friends and none can help or visit with me, but if my mom were here, she would.
wow. very real. no puling punches there jenny. It’s funny but rarely have I ever desired my mother\’s help or input. I always felt that there was a deep void in my life because my mom was not really there but I guess you’ve highlighted an upside… I never would think to rely on her or miss her presence…I can only remember the desperation of growing up “without” a mother and deeply desiring that relationship. What a blessing you are to your children and a great testimony to your mother! God bless even the dark side of you! (I don\’t want to take away from your deep grief as I understand those days when you NEED someone and there\’s no one there, but I was definately struck by the absence of grief I have over that person being my mom!)