- August 10, 2010
- 14 Comments
- General, Guilt, Parenting/Family
A Will of Their Own
If you took the time to search the early years of this blog, you would find many posts documenting the struggles, the humiliations, the exhaustion, the exhaustion, the desperation, and token precious moments this mom has had woven into the fabric of her motherhood journey. My earliest posts were heavy. It was a dark time. Post-partum, pregnancy, sleep-deprivation, yadda, yadda, yadda…
The young years with my kids were tough. For me. I thought I was prepared, but I had no idea.
I HAD NO IDEA.
And as I talk with moms, those are words I hear over and over and over and over again.
I HAD NO IDEA.
The biggest revelation to me was, despite all the excellent parenting information out there – when the wind separated “the wheat from the chaff” – I found my husband and I produced 3 little people with their own little wills and little hopes and little agendas. I found one size didn’t fit all… and it was hard to reason with those little people. Mostly because they had wills and hopes and agendas, and no reasoning skills.
Not unlike some adults, but I digress…
Light bulb moment in 3…2…1…: I think I had such a hard time because in the early years I failed to recognize the independent, growing spirits developing in my little children.
I thought kids should respond to parenting, obey… bend, be shaped… Which we do guide them, but… I was so focused on the concept of “performance” I often missed parenting to their individual hearts. By this I don’t mean giving them their way, but by guiding and disciplining according to this, this… “bent”.
In a nutshell – it’s not bad that kids have wills of their own. It’s not bad. They will need that when they don’t need US.
It is just bad when those wills kick, scream, yell, spit, or bite.
That’s not OK. No matter what your bent.
One day I stopped. I looked at my kids. I remembered… times I was frustrated as a kid. When I didn’t feel listened to. When I didn’t feel acknowledged in ways I hoped. I have always had “Jenny” on the inside… whether 3, 10, 16, 22 or 37. And that is true for my children. The young people they are now are the roots of who they will be. My job is to work with their bent. Guide and not squash.
That day I realized parenting was not about making a circle fit into a square hole.
And for the record: I don’t care what kind of bent a child has, it is never OK to dart into a parking lot. But I’m not talking about issues of safety here. I’m talking about the heart.
For me, parenting has become about figuring out whether my kids are circle, squares or trapezoids.
I think I may have a rhombus in the mix.
Those wills. Those natural personality bents… Oh, it’s hard.
Why? Because I have MY own personality. MY own will. MY own bents. ME ME ME. And as an adult, it can be quite disconcerting when someone is 2 feet tall and they try to run the show.
This is MY show. I’M the adult!
See?
Were I Yoda, I’d have sage advice, I would.
I leave with this — If I got to have a do-over, I hope I would consider their wills…. then at age 2 instead of 5, 8 and 11 I would have:
- appreciated earlier that my son is wildly compassionate and feels deeply… I would see how that affected his extreme reactions to stress and frustration and feeling choice-less when he was a little guy.
- appreciated (or just plain recognized) earlier the quiet, curious fire in my middle daughter… I would see beyond the mess and guide the budding artist.
- seen earlier in my youngest her need to touch things for what it is – joy. Her body and mind NEEDS to feel to understand, and I believe to *joy* in her surroundings Her tactile bent would not have been misunderstood as destructive… guiding & teaching rather than blocking and fighting.
How about you? Is parenting natural? Is it a struggle? Do you find it easy to let go of your ideals? Do you parent to direct behavior or heart? Have you thought about it? I hope you take a moment to share…
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14 Responses to “A Will of Their Own”
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Parenting seems like a new challenge everyday. Each day I wake up and say, ok, I made this mistake yesterday. I will make every effort not to make that mistake again. Then I make a new mistake. Or I remake a mistake I made last Tuesday. I often wonder how much my kids’ therapy will cost me.
What a great post Jenny, I agree 100%. Raising kids is one tough job and I applaud you.
AMEN!!! I completely agree girl. Good for you!!!
Ok… taking a lot for this hormonal Mom not to cry… cause you just nailed my life right now! I have a 2 1/2 year old that is bursting with energy and life and spirit. It’s a good thing, but it’s exhausting! I had no idea to this side of parenting and have many a moment when I struggle with what to do. But then I get through those moments… and more and more lately I find that both of us are changed on the other side of the moment, and in a good way. Not that I don’t have my “why the frack did I do that?” moments… but my girl is guiding me sometimes as much as I am guiding her! I think she’s a star shape… going in lots of directions, can be a little sharp around the edges… but has a powerful center! A strong independent young lady I’m raising… and it will serve her well when she’s older!
Beautiful Jenny!! And so true of the three little people in my own home! Thank you for posting this.
Great post, Jenny. We’re working through this at our house where I want to work with the bend and he wants to squash. They’re already people, and deserve to be treated right.
Oh Girlfriend–I can write you a BOOK in response–(In fact I started many books) in my dark time of learning to become a mother and how horribly hard it really was for me–and how horrible it was to see “all the other moms loving it and enjoying it and NOT struggling”. I was horribly jealous of their pulled together mothering act. I felt lost and so full of failure–and it lasted years–finally, finally there is light and the Andrea of old (and the old Andrea) have returned to me! Motherhood is ridiculously hard, and oh my, yes, the most amazing thing. However, I feel like I missed out on SO much when they were little because I was so tired, so out of it, so delirious and so desprerate to appear “normal”. Where was the books telling us how hard it really was, where were the other moms I needed telling me I wasn’t a freak and they were struggling too? You hit the nail on the head–love your words Jenny! You’re terrific and I, too, had no idea! Now I do and I wish I had about 4 more!!!!!
Oh, girlfriend…I’m so with you on this one. I have two very strong-willed children (Pea’s teacher termed it – kindly – as having a “strong character”).
Both of them know what they want. I may not always understand what that is, but they think they know. Until they don’t.
I battle every day with myself, trying to be patient and not lose my temper. And yes, they have early bedtimes, and don’t drink soda, and don’t play Wii (its MINE) unless we play together…but I also don’t care if my daughter wears her pink sequin covered party dress 3 days in a row, with red ladybug rainboots. Life is too short.
Everyone else seems to have a much easier go, but I know, in the end, my two will do anything they set their minds to do.
I just pray they use their powers for good and not evil. I guess THAT is my job!
No book can cover it all. Your children do not read the books. Always a struggle. Wanted whats best for them – not always sure what that is. It is a wild roller coaster ride. Some days I love it. Some days I get tired of the big drops – or simply just get tired of waking up when they do and making them breakfast. Keep it real girl. Did you get my book in the mail? I think you will relate and be encouraged.
Wow you got it. I have recognized the same as of late. I seem to appreciate and parent to my younger 4 YO much more (I think because I understand her more) than my older 10 YO. I try to keep in mind her spirit when I get frustrated with her flair for drama. It is always a challenge. Always a work in progress, but I think the true mark of a good parent is one who always questions “what could I do differently”.
I am one big emotional circle, and while I’m still trying to figure out my kids, I find I think they just like to trick me. One minute I think they’re something, and then they go on to something else. I think it’s getting harder as my eldest is days away from turning 13. He snapped a bit today at a request, and I muttered something about how 13 was going to kill me. Then I realized it won’t, and really, he’s just trying to find his place as he comes into this new phase of life. We both have to remember to count to 10 and give each other the love and space we need.
Hey there!
Just stopping by via 5MinutesforMom. Love your site!
I have two teenage girls and can sooo relate to this post.
I can look back on SOO many things and think – I’d do that over, I’d do that over.. but I guess it’s all been used to make me and my family into who we are today
Blessings to you my friend as we all walk this parenting road together.
@lindsey – we don’t save for college, we save for therapy
thank you always for your encouragement
@suquamish –
@janice – *fist bump*
@angella – Oh honey… you made me cry. I remember those days. And your “star” shaped description is absolutely beautiful. Seriously, moved my heart…
@melissa – *insert heart here*
@carina – that’s exactly it.
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