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I don’t know where to start, or even if I should post this… I don’t know how to put this, and I don’t know.

But my father-in-law will be passing away soon… probably within days, but it could be longer… but not much. The details of why and what don’t matter… it enough to say he’s been sick for quite some time.

My children are sad, my husband is sad… I am sad. Life continues to roll, just like the tide eats at the shoreline. I feel like I am madly digging a moat to help keep the sand castle from being washed away. A big enough trench… a determined heart – can help hold the inevitable at bay… but eventually it will all be washed away. Life keeps coming, and death does too.

I want to be strong for my husband while he spends as much time with his dad as he can… while he is there for his mom and sister. Meanwhile, the kids still need baths and food and snuggles and band aids… And I feel I am failing. Flailing. Clothes continue to get dirty, the bills still come, we need more peanut butter. Even the smallest decision makes my chest ache. The phone still rings – some callers unaware of the pain, sorrow and helplessness…

We are fortunate. His death will not be sudden. We get to say “goodbye”. We have the chance to leave nothing unsaid. We also have weeks… of physical and emotional upheaval. We will have the “after”, but we also have the “before”… This is rare, and I wonder how many books are out there that talk about how to handle a long goodbye. It’s not so easy as this “fortunate” situation would lead one to believe. Death is death is death. It hurts. It’s hard.

I am thankful for the friends who have been so gracious with their offers to help. I am thankful for the calls from friends and family to see if we’re OK… for the notes and emails – just checking in. The calls seem to come just as my head is going under… as the tears burn too hot to hold back.

I don’t know where I am going with this. I don’t know. I know my father-in-law will not be in pain much longer. I know he will be with Jesus and we will see him again. I also know in the next few weeks I will shed many more tears and my shoulders will absorb the tears of my children and loved ones. That’s the part that hurts the most – seeing my children’s hearts break… my husband’s… my nephew’s…

Lord, slather me with patience, endurance, empathy, peace, and selflessness in the coming weeks. Give me strength to keep a exhausting pace, the ability to function in a messy house, and the wisdom to know which way to go.