- September 18, 2008
- 10 Comments
- Family & Friends, General, The Hubs, The Love
One Year Later
Monday was the one year anniversary of Paul’s dad’s passing… from here to his new home in heaven:)
I knew the “anniversary date” was coming, but when the day came it took a few hours for the reality to “sink in”.
My father-in-law’s death was not a surprise. He was on dialysis and made the hard decision to discontinue. We knew the end was coming, but would it be a few days after his last dialysis… would it be 2 weeks? Would there be a mind-boggling, straight from the hands of God miracle and he’d be totally healed instead?
Three days before he passed, Jim had one of those “spurts of energy” that I now know often happen to very ill people who are close to death. He took off to the local football field (in his motorized wheelchair!) to chat with the football coaches and watch a bit of the practice. All who watched this man who was so ill and so sick were flabbergasted. No… Confused!
After this “event’ my husband decided to come home for a night – or two. He had been living with my in-laws for over a month… He missed home and it was so hard not having him here. It seemed maybe “the end” wasn’t as close as anticipated. However, the next afternoon, my husband got a call from his sister. It was the “get here now” call.
We were working outside when the call came. I was weeding. Paul was doing the outside stuff I don’t do:) We dropped everything. He scrambled to catch the soonest ferry, and I began calling around for friends to take my children so I could be there too.
This Monday, I found myself outside. Weeding. I was working in the same area I had been working when we got “the call”. As I wandered my overgrown yard, I found one of the piles of weeds from last year. Picking up that pile of extracted weeds was not on our radar. At all. For a whole year.
That old pile of weeds represented so much. A year of grieving. A year of surprise moments when your heart suddenly remembers someone you love dearly is gone. A year of holidays. A year of growth… the kids have changed so much… Oh how he would have loved seeing his grandbabies today. This make my heart ache the most.
Though I did finally pick it up that pile of weeds, it was a hard thing to do. Did it mean I was really saying goodbye for good? When one is dealing with loss, one expects the big things to be difficult (financial stress, relationship problems, serious illness, and decision making…), and the big things are harder when one is dealing with grief. But I also think we forget the little things can be as just as hard… it is the little things that twist your heart. Lucy singing… oh how Poppy would have joyed in her 3 year-old voice. Grilling chicken… did we EVER write down what he did to make that so darn yummy??? His jacket hanging on the hook… He would have treasured Olivia’s post-it love notes… He would have been yelling the loudest at any of Joel’s soccer games he could make it to… Disposing of a year-old pile of weeds… The little things, those hurt the most.
A friend from my college days, Kim, recently started a blog (just this month) about grief – The Grief Diet: on the loss of my father. Her father died suddenly in April. Her emotion is raw… her experience is painfully fresh. Recently she wrote a wonderful post about what To say or what NOT to say to someone who has suffered a loss. It is a great resource for those who wonder how to handle the difficult situation of comforting a friend or talking with an acquaintance about the death of a loved one. It is an even better post for those who DON’T wonder how to better handle dealing with people in deep grief…
Despite our loss, everyone is doing well. This is not say there aren’t struggles or that sadness is absent, but we all feel blessed to have gotten here – to September 2008. Life will never be the same, but it will be good. My father-in-law invested lots of love into his family and the fruit of his effort is blooming… to last for generations.
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10 Responses to “One Year Later”
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Dear Jenny;
Your father-in-law was a generous and wonderful man. I miss him very much and know that my life is enriched through knowing him. He is someone I will never forget. You’ve written a very lovely piece to mark the one year anniversary of his passing; I love the description of the pile of weeds left out for all those months only to only to be found when you were in the same place a year later. Very very touching.
All the best to you and your family.
It will still ache as the years go by. My grandmother has been gone for over 10 years and it still hurts that she never got to see my children, to know her great-granddaughter whom I gave her middle name.
It’s been about five years since my uncle took his life and that pain is still raw.
Family and friends help make that pain bearable.
Love to your family!
What a beautiful post. Prayers going up for you.
There is so much for me to take from this. I’m sure I’ll be revisiting this post in upcoming days. And “grilling” my dad for his tri tip secrets. Get it? Grilling. hahahaha
Hi Jenny,
You are so right about the little things hurting so much. What a truly wonderful father, father-in-law, grandfather, friend, etc. I bet he was so proud to have you as a daughter-in-law. Thank you so very much for all your posts to my blog and mentioning it with this beautiful post. I have been so appreciative of your support. Give Paul our love during this difficult anniversary.
We lost my father-in-law 6 years ago. We miss him so much, and we also stop and think how much he would have loved seeing the kids do this or that. This past weekend we had to go to his house (where his mother still lives) and see it in ruins – destroyed by Hurricane Ike. It brought back so many memories of times with him in that house. It hurts.
I know how ya’ll are hurting, and I lift ya’ll up in prayer. Know that your father-in-law is looking down on ya’ll now, and he is SO proud!
Beautifully told…thank you for letting us share in your life…the good times and the hard times. You’re a gem. Give Paul a big ‘ol bear hug for us.
I love you More and More….
You have the Gift of putting so much love into your words! Thank you for loving my Nephew, my Brother, and all of us NUTS! and Thank you for just JOINING IN and BEING ONE OF US! WE WOULDN’T be the same without YOU! We are so blessed that Paul FOUND YOU!
I found myself CLEANING MY HOUSE ALL DAY…I couldn’t sit still…My blog was very long and I was almost late for physical therapy….but I had to do a tribute to my BIG BROTHER…I didn’t understand him for so many years…and then, when he finally opened up to me, and shared so much, because of our age differences I just didn’t know what actually happened during our childhoods because I was so young..then I UNDERSTOOD, who he was, and we finally bonded, in just the right time and place in our lives, Just as God Planned!….he CARRIED me so much in those last few weeks of Mom’s life! I shall never forget his green jacket by the door…I still hug it every time I am there…I believe the plan is to leave it there….that is very comforting to me!
I love you more and more, my Neice! (NEVER TOO MUCH!!!)
And I believe Kate (up above at the top) took care of Jim! THANK YOU!!! I am his baby sister! and I appreciate you so!!!!!
Aunt Robin
My thoughts and heart go out to ya’ll. I hope it brings you comfort to know that your FIL is with you in spirit, looking down on you with such love and pride.
I completely know how you feel. We lost my father in law so suddenly – less than 6 months after losing my brother in law. That was 7 years ago. And the things that pop in to my mind with no notice still make my heart sink. What would they do if they could see the girls now? They would be so proud! Cars, voices, sounds – even today at the grocery store I saw a man wearing a shirt that my father in law wore and it took me back to it all. The daily grind of life and kids and everything makes it easier – but holidays and whatnot are hard. Andy hates Father’s Day. Each year he hates it more. The shock and strangeness of a loved one not being there on holidays seems to change from year to year – some are easier than others but you never really know how you are going to feel on those days. I am so glad that your kids were a little bit older and got to spend more time with him before it happened. They will cherish those memories for the rest of their lives! My oldest was 3 when we lost them so all the other 2 know are pictures. We tell them stories all the time. I will keep your family and especially your hubby and mil in my prayers especially now that the holidays are coming! HUGS