In Which I Save Your 2010: I Did A Cleanse So You Don't Have To

JD, may I use that phrase? I know you own the whole, “I *insert action here* so you don’t have to” concept. And it’s true! She does it ALL so we don’t have to. She’s a giver like that. She even ate sardines! I would NEVER do that for you… but mostly because my tummy is so full of Oreos and coffee all the time.

Aaaanywho. I digress.

I want to re-post my story about a cleanse I did a little over a year ago, in case you missed it. We are embarking on a season of resolutions. A time when we feel motivated to eat our veggies or purge our inboxes… or colons. Depends on the individual.

Here’s a picture. Totally unrelated. I’m getting too wordy. *eyes cross* Lucy got “polka bot” jammies for Christamas this year… I got my own last year. She made us wear them together the night she got hers. We took pics. I love how she puts on her best face for pictures:

Aaanywho – here follows my post – The Great Cleanse FAIL of 2008. May this serve as a reminder — I did a cleanse so you don’t have to. Learn from me. You don’t have to know what I have known… It is my 2010 gift to you *cheesy grin*:

I started a “cleanse” yesterday. It was to last for 16 days. DAYS. So, pretty much, if I have ever laid at the doorstep of Hell…

This — is my story as the day unfolded:

*The day started off great. I took my thyroid medication and waited an hour… I love waiting an hour to eat everyday for probably the rest of my life. My thyroid is so lame.

*I prepared my 1 cup of water and 1 tsp. of psyllium powder… to be followed by one cup of water married with the juice of half a lemon.

*Psyllium water tastes like A**!!! I’m sorry. I gagged and gagged and… MOTHER OF PEARL!!! Licking mold off bread might have gone easier. *gag*

*Breakfast: egg white omelette with onion and mushrooms. Alright.

*Not alright. Why can’t I add tomatoes and zucchini, spinach, maybe some YOLK??? *hack*

*My Twitter post: “Jenny is hungry, under-caffeinated, has a raging headache, wants chocolate … and is cursing the concept of healthy eating. *raises fist to sky*”

*Another Twitter post: “Note to self: water spiked with psyllium powder triggers your sensitive gag reflex. Also, no amount of lemon water can unring THAT bell.”

*I suck down more lemon water, regular water and 2 cups of peppermint tea.

*Warning – TMI: Aunt Flo came over today. Great. I’m am laying at the doorstep of Hell and Aunt Flo just opened the door of Hell – and hit my head with it.

*I want a Frito boat.

*The husband and I nearly divorced for all the hunger and not seeing straight. Did I mention he’s doing this too? It’s his fault. HE wanted to do this. I’m giving him moral support. I have no idea why I don’t have a golden cape to wear and a diamond-studded chalice to drink psyllium water from.

*I can’t see. My optic nerves are not receiving adequate nourishment.

*Broiling fish. That’s funny. I always thought fish were born with a layer of batter or breading. And for that matter, where’s the “-n-chips”? I thought Greek name for fish was “fish-n-chips”.

*More tea. Joy.

*Did someone just say casserole? Because I think I just heard somebody say, “The cheesy, yummy dinner casserole is ready!!!” No? I didn’t just hear that?

*Can someone die from drinking too much water?

*Is it safe for one’s head to pound so violently???

*Seriously fighting to make it just. one. day.

*Twitter: Can’t. Type. So. Weak…

*Can I just have 1 bowlful spoonful of peanut butter???

*Can I just have ONE simple carb?

*No? Then 800mgs of Ibuprofen it is.

*Twitter: When coming off caffeine… do you lose the feeling in your limbs first or your brain?

*Just a block of cheese? One. Block. It doesn’t even have to be Tillamook.

*For the love of…

*My brain… I can feel it… it is beginning to atrophy… Send. Help…

*I bring home burritos the size of my thighs.

*Twitter: Cleanse FAIL. Still no coffee, but my belly is full of the most delightful carne asada burrito. I’d feel shame if my belly wasn’t so happy.

*Was gonna just eat half that thigh-sized burrito, but so many brain cells had been destroyed over the course of my cleanse, I forgot about my good intention.

*Drank 2 beers. Really.

*Went with mah fren Lisa and sang a couple of songs for our public… Cher’s “If I could turn back time”… *how fitting* and the Dixie Chicks “Earl”.

*I never said I was perfect… just awesome.

*Aaaaand scene.

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

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