- December 4, 2008
- 17 Comments
- Eats, Fa' Real?, Family & Friends, Health & Beauty, Not So Much
The Great Cleanse FAIL of 2008
I started a “cleanse” yesterday. It was to last for 16 days. DAYS. So, pretty much, if I have ever laid at the doorstep of Hell…
This — is my story as the day unfolded:
*The day started off great. I took my thyroid medication and waited an hour… I love waiting an hour to eat everyday for probably the rest of my life. My thyroid is so lame.
*I prepared my 1 cup of water and 1 tsp. of psyllium powder… to be followed by one cup of water married with the juice of half a lemon.
*Psyllium water tastes like A**!!! I’m sorry. I gagged and gagged and… MOTHER OF PEARL!!! Licking mold off bread might have gone easier. *gag*
*Breakfast: egg white omelette with onion and mushrooms. Alright.
*Not alright.  Why can’t I add tomatoes and zucchini, spinach, maybe some YOLK??? *hack*
*My Twitter post: “Jenny is hungry, under-caffeinated, has a raging headache, wants chocolate … and is cursing the concept of healthy eating. *raises fist to sky*”
*Another Twitter post: “Note to self: water spiked with psyllium powder triggers your sensitive gag reflex. Also, no amount of lemon water can unring THAT bell.”
*I suck down more lemon water, regular water and 2 cups of peppermint tea.
*Warning – TMI: Aunt Flo came over today. Great. I’m am laying at the doorstep of Hell and Aunt Flo just opened the door of Hell – and hit my head with it.
*I want a Frito boat.Â
*The husband and I nearly divorced for all the hunger and not seeing straight. Did I mention he’s doing this too? It’s his fault. HE wanted to do this. I’m giving him moral support. I have no idea why I don’t have a golden cape to wear and a diamond-studded chalice to drink psyllium water from.
*I can’t see. My optic nerves are not receiving adequate nourishment.
*Broiling fish. That’s funny. I always thought fish were born with a layer of batter or breading. And for that matter, where’s the “-n-chips”? I thought Greek name for fish was “fish-n-chips”.Â
*More tea. Joy.
*Did someone just say casserole? Because I think I just heard somebody say, “The cheesy, yummy dinner casserole is ready!!!” No? I didn’t just hear that?
*Can someone die from drinking too much water?
*Is it safe for one’s head to pound so violently???
*Seriously fighting to make it just. one. day.
*Twitter:Â Can’t. Type. So. Weak…
*Can I just have 1 bowlful spoonful of peanut butter???
*Can I just have ONE simple carb?
*No? Then 800mgs of Ibuprofen it is.
*Twitter: When coming off caffeine… do you lose the feeling in your limbs first or your brain?Â
*Just a block of cheese? One. Block. It doesn’t even have to be Tillamook.
*For the love of…
*My brain… I can feel it… it is beginning to atrophy… Send. Help…
*I bring home burritos the size of my thighs.
*Twitter: Cleanse FAIL. Still no coffee, but my belly is full of the most delightful carne asada burrito. I’d feel shame if my belly wasn’t so happy.Â
*Was gonna just eat half that thigh-sized burrito, but so many brain cells had been destroyed over the course of my cleanse, I forgot about my good intention.
*Drank 2 beers. Really.Â
*Went with mah fren Lisa and sang a couple of songs for our public… Cher’s “If I could turn back time”… *how fitting* and the Dixie Chicks “Earl”.Â
*I never said I was perfect… just awesome.
*Aaaaand scene.
**********
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17 Responses to “The Great Cleanse FAIL of 2008”
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Oh Jenny – Is it Monday, cuz that just made me laugh!! Thanks for sharing TMI, your the best at that!!!
Good luck on your next cleanse, if god forbid there is a next time!
I read this while eating a delicious piece of peanut butter slathered toast. Really, it’s just peanut butter with a tiny foundation of bread. Full carb-loaded bread.
Anyway, I laughed so much through this I spit what few bread crumbs there are across the kitchen! This cracked me up. Just the thought of doing a cleanse would weaken me! I’d never make it 2 hours. I do have a raging desire to do that food detox bath, though, just to see what kinds of evil hell courses through my body!
There are better ways to get healthy than this Mengele food detox.
It does make for fun-inspired posting and reading though, doesn’t it?
“Come to the dark side…we have cookies. And coffee.”
You made it longer than I could have, lol
Shoulda tried it my way: eat a salad for three out of four of your last meals. Let’s just say, gastrointestinaly speaking, I am undone. Sooooooo very undone.
I could never – let me repeat – never do that. I love my food. And my wine. And my caffeine. I am full of what is bad for me and that makes me deliriously happy.
Yes, that is definitely Hell. Is Paul still vacationing by the Lake Of Fire?
I am just so impressed (?) that you even attempted it. I know I couldn’t do it so I wouldn’t even try. How’s hubby doing with it?
I know that burrito tasted like heaven! Or did you eat it so fast that you didn’t even taste it?
Food is TOO good.
Apparently people CAN die from drinking too much water!
There was a woman that was in a contest (I believe on the radio) who drank so much water that she actually died.
Watch that water intake.
I’ve never heard that about beer and burritos:)
Hahaha. I would have done the same thing. Except less funny. You crack me the hell UP!!!!
Psyllium water is for jerks, anyways!!!!
I’m glad I ate my breakfast *before* I read this post!
That’s my girl…doing it (or not) in a BIG Jenny way and making us all giggle. Pretty spectacular!
Teehee! Loved it!
Cleanse-bah! You cleanse w/ each mile you run! That’s the job of sweat, so you should be all sparkly inside already
Note to balsamic vinegar cleansers-do not drink 2 Tbls stra-ight! Add to tea or chicken or dressing. For love of all that is holy do not attempt straight vinegar. Did you know my roots are also blond? I did willingly, knowingly drink the vinegar in this fashion. Hello it’s vinegar. V-I-N-E-G-A-R, vinegar. It burns like nothing ever! 3-days to heal my throat-no kidding. Perhaps I am merely a wuss as well.
I did a cleanse over the summer, but it wasn’t nearly as adventurous as that! I just took some pills and junk. Heh. I was eating really healthy, but I’ll be damned if I gave up my coffee.
Also, I want burritos now, damnit!
I’m doing my cleanse right now — The Bud Light Cleanse. God bless you, you are now my overachieving hero.
Oh my I am laughing so hard I am crying! I love this!
I’m on day…11 of this emmmer-efffing cleanse diet. Have done it religiously. Have lost…patience, humor, general niceness, and no weight? I keep waiting to crap out 30 pounds of fat, but it is not happening. Bloated. My body is like… you wanna do this to me? See what I’ll do to you! NO-THING. You get nothing. A big fat (with emphasis) zero weight loss. Dammit! DAMMIT!