I have long been afflicted with a condition called “insecurity”. I was a shy little girl. By high school I found myself in a space I was comfortable in…chubby, but comfortable… and some of the “shyness” began to melt away.
If I look at the big picture of my life, I see pockets of freedom and pockets of shyness. Even in adulthood. Were I a scientist, I might hypothesize that the periods of freedom had a direct correlation to the people I chose to let into my life.
During my perceived “shy” periods, I think I was fearful. I was insecure. I lacked confidence — in who I was or wanted to be. Or my weight held me back. I wavered in my own convictions based on who was around. Acceptance, popularity, inclusion… Familiar much? I think I sought out the wrong people.
But I’m older now. I never thought growing older could be a good thing…
As I have struggled and {to be honest} still struggle with desiring acceptance… life and experience has aged me and I have changed. I have become less guarded, more open, a bit louder, a bit sillier, warmer… free-er… and as a result a bit creative-ier :) My creativity has been given freedom to blossom and in that – I have been given the freedom to live life more fully.
It’s hard though… being able to embrace the freedom I am finding in being be the person I believe God created me to be. I am self-reflective to a fault. If there is something good about me, I can make that a bad trait. So I search inside looking for faults to work on, not realizing I have been building walls, not actually fixing anything. I have spent years building very thick and high walls that have kept me from being:
- one who laughs easily
- one who welcomes warmly
- one who hugs freely
- one who hurts deeply
- one who gets wounded easily
- one who forgives freely
- one who never really had ONE best friend, but is blessed with a bright collage of friendships that create a beautiful life picture.
God created me to be free. To be Jenny. Over the years I let my own judgments about me, and my own perceived judgments from others smoosh the freedom and joy in life that I believe God intended for me.
I don’t think I am unique in this self-”smooshing”.
I don’t think I was ever a shy little girl. I was scared. Of life. Of people. Of contrary opinion. Wanting to be accepted. I thought acceptance meant shaping my life to the expectations of others. As a result, I hid so I wouldn’t draw attention and attract unfavorable judgment.
Today, I DO care what others think… but more often from people I admire, regard and respect. People who encourage, support, giggle, and get their crazies out with me. We laugh unhindered and weep openly. We dance madly and fearlessly…

Photo credit: Mark Gsellman
I continue to learn – to strive to live to the fullest — because I have a safe place to do it. A healthy place to bloom. There were times I tried to fit the round girl that I am into a square hole. Take that as you will. But, by that I mean, not all people are the right people for me. Most are… *wink* but not all. I have lost good time and heart on reaching out to the wrong ones.
I thought I wanted to be “cool”. Ahhh, but I have a warm heart that lives on my sleeve. I will never, ever be “cool”. AndIamOKwiththat. Finally.
Bravery begets bravery. Surrounding oneself with quality people… warm people… those who are strong in character, gracious in spirit, and joyful in diversity… the gentle and kind-spirited… The ones who dare tell me I’ve gone too far, but will walk with me still. With them I can fail and still be lifted back to standing.
It is in this environment I thrive… In THIS environment I begin to finally live my life to the fullest. Watching the bravery and courage of my friends… watching their sacrificial love… receiving their empathy… advice… having their shoulder or ear… watching them love teaches me how to love.
And dancing… with the freedom of a child, but with better gross motor skillz…

My walls are not all torn down. I know not everyone will like me. I cannot predict who that will be. I still fear. I just have a better perspective.
So… if you come across a 37 year old woman with pink streaks in her hair… and she’s a little loud, and a little silly… it’s either because she is living freely… or she is scared. For as much as I have learned, and as much as I believe I am free… I find a thick security blanket of silliness proves to be a great way to hide. Hey, I’m human.
As I often say… I’m not perfect. Just awesome. I just have awesome friends.
How about you? Do you hide? Do you care? Have you ever struggled with issues of acceptance? Am I crazy? Don’t answer that last one. Ignorance is bliss.
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I am HORRIBLE with names. H to the ORRIBLE.
Why Fritos? The truth (this IS The Confessional) I have a wee-bit of writer’s block and all I could come up with is confessing my poor eating choices from yesterday.









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