Have you ever given your 6 year old permission to cook her own hot dog in the microwave?

You know… since she knows her numbers and all…

44 seconds.

She knows how to press the number 4.

Twice.

Right?

I gave her a nod of permission to proceed with her culinary feat… She INSISTED she could do it herself.

I threw up the white flag and headed out the door to a meeting or dance party or something.

But Daddy was home. I am only a half-terrible mother.

Daddy was the one to discover the poor, petrified frankfurter… about 4 minutes into 44 minutes of cook time.

If you ever wondered what 4 minutes in the microwave will do to a hot dog… NOW YOU KNOW.

In case you were wondering.

Tune in next week when I tell you all about the time I found AN ENTIRE BANANA that was tucked in an seldom-explored corner for oh… SAY 2 YEARS. I will tell you this, hot dogs cooked for over 4 minutes and bananas left unattended for 2 years… look a lot alike.

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Give a kid a hot dog (and permission to microwave it…) is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

SO. There’s this rock at my kids’ school.

This is not the rock. But it’s a rock, so…

The rock at school is the PERFECT size for climbing, sliding… and also the PERFECT size for getting in trouble. You see… this climbing rock/slide rock is placed teasingly in the welcome/front/pick-up area of the school. And if a kid climbs on the rock, the kid gets in trouble as well as the parent.

Smell that? That’s the smell of FAIL.

If you like the smell – here’s the recipe!

rock

+

after school

+

crazed, after-school children

+

parents who think the rock is a great climbing option

+

school that sees rock as climbing safety hazard

=

stink eye or finger wag or a talking-to DAILY from the Keepers of The Rock

=

FAIL

Yes. My equation has two =’s. You know I am not mathy…

So… one day last spring I made a video. I have finally gotten the nerve to show it. Hope I don’t get a detention. Ya know… something else happened last year… which has me feeling a little less care-y, so… whatever. I’M  THE MOM. Don’t mess.

SEE???!!!

I could actually go on a little rant about how it sucks *insert dirty, inappropriate analogy about donkeys here* to be reprimanded by a teacher when one is a parent. And this rock and my relationship with it highlights the issue I have with public schools/institutions/government-at-large thinking every parent is an idiot and is unable to parent. But that is another issue. Oh golly, I got riled-up.

But I will hold my tongue and will leave those select sentences above bolded because that felt good.

*Note: I understand the rock vs. safety issue.

*Note: Why is the rock there if it is a safety concern? Why is there even a playground???

I’m getting riled again.

P.S. I am not really as sweet as I seem.

P.P.S. Totally not.

Peace and Sparkles, and a little bit of Mama Bear…

Jenny/JOtS

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The Rock of FAIL [video] is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

Like a wildfire that grew from a spark that innocently popped to dry timber from a campfire…

That is how my life feels.

Except, I wouldn’t say this consumption is completely out of the blue.

I have seen it coming. Ish.

Let’s try this analogy again…

Like a wildfire… born from a controlled burn. One in which one had a fire permit, but…

OR…

That one time when you were a kid when you got to hold a duck…

But…

Can one ever really hold a duck?

That’s sounds dirty.

But I digress.

Or roasting marshmallows seems fun, but deep down we know they are just an awful mess…

I had a permit to burn. I was holding a duck. Roasting an extra-large marshmallow:

Job.

Family.

Friends.

Opportunity.

LAUNDRY.

*insert too much here*

Here’s the deal. I know I am not alone. This seems like it is the anthem of to whom (?) everyone (?) I speak to. Of. ?

See? I can’t even write right.

But I know the difference between write and right.

Small victories folks, small victories, yo.

So. Off I go. To record a couple songs (tried last night and they SUCKED… even woke up my daughter… I think she thought I was killing a duck). To a meeting. Then to host a party. Then another party. And I gotsta edit a video about my healing. And to take more pain meds. Oh, and to And my email. And my Klout score… dropping. Not that I care, but… I’m not gonna lie. No one is happy when one’s numbers go down.

But I care more about my kids and my friends. So I need to host those parties… take that pain medication… and I need to do laundry.

THAT NUMBER NEVER DROPS.

I think hell will not be a pit of fire. Hell will be a laundry room.

I AM NOT AT ALL KIDDING.

HELL WILL BE A LAUNDRY ROOM.

The postive part of my post – I am thankful that I have SO much hair. Cuz I need to pull some out.

And do laundry. In case you missed that point.

The end.

But not the end of my laundry.

Because that will never end.

EVER.

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Suddenly Consumed is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

My little girl is in dream land…

I remember those days.

When I was a little girl…

I had dreams too.

Ice cream and roller skates.

The twirliest of skirts and far-away lands.

When puberty hit…

I dreamed of cute boys.

NKOTB.

Acid wash and jeans with zippers at the ankles.

And kissing cute boys… including but not limited to Jonathan Knight.

Johnny Depp.

etc…

Now that I am grown… and MARRIED…

I still dream.

The other night I dreamed…

Not of fame.

Nor coffee.

Nor the absence of stretch marks.

Nor of NKOTB.

Nor was the dream full of quiet.

I dreamed…

I dreamed…

I dreamed I had a housekeeper.

And then…

…

…

…

I woke up.

My… how times have changed.

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**I shared about Love Drop a few days ago. At that point $5,100 had been raised toward their $13,000 goal… to provide the placing and training of a service dog to a family with 2 severely autistic boys. At this writing, they are almost at $8000! If you have $1 or $5 to spare, pop by and add to the bucket. It’s our village… this online community is what will get that family the support they need. Or simply share the need with others…

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Dreams is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

I struggle.

I feel ungrateful for feeling this way.

Guilt.

Unappreciative.

Life is good.

Full.

Busy.

Good.

And I am tired.

Beyond…

I don’t know what to throw off.

Discernment?

Decisions paralyze me.

Some days I just go hour by hour.

Some probably think I am a flake.

But in reality… I am paralyzed.

Literally… I can NOT commit/decide/reply/do.

I feel like I have dug a hole and if I reach to climb out, the dirt will bury me.

So I don’t move.

So as not to disturb my dirt walls.

I have never been good at digging holes.

Or climbing.

Me, me, me.

Exhausting, no?

I know I am not the busiest. The tiredest. The confuse-idest.

?

But I feel.

I laugh. Hard.

Big ups… and apparently… BIG downs.

As I write, my chest hurts.

I want to cry.

I just want to take a bath.

To watch a movie.

To go to bed.

Pay bills.

Be out of debt.

To not set my alarm.

To have time for a run.

To have time to rest.

To play Candy Land with Lucy… even though I HATE Candy Land.

I. LONG. TO. BE.

To be.

I hate writing this.

It feels complainer-y.

Wah. Wah. Wah.

Yet…

This is all I have.

I write this not for comfort.

But a purge.

Part of the process?

I hope.

I hope it’s a quick one. I think the walls are caving in.

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I Confess: The Funk is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

I confess. It is August and I still have Christmas decorations up. However unintentional. Last year, when I was decorating for Christmas, I found a Christmas pillow – THAT WAS OUT ALL YEAR. The other day I was doing a hardcore cleaning because I was hosting a baby shower. This time I found a snowman and a hanging basket of greens and berries. I just can’t get my act together. But that’s what you love about me, right? Just say “yes”… please just say “yes”…

Am I alone? Am I the only one who does this?

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Christmas Finds in August is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

So, a couple weeks ago, before my daughter graduated from preschool…

…we went on a field trip to the local kid’s museum. In my car I had 5 preschoolers… 3 girls and 2 boys. One of the little girls (4 years old) asked, “Can we listen to rock and roll?” I was all, “DO YOU LIKE MILEY CYRUS?!”

They were all, “SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

So, I *blasted* Party in the USA for the preschool party in my partybusminivan.

I remembered the other little girl in the car, Bella… that her verymostfavoritestsong was I Got A Feelin’…

I turned it on and…. WHOA NELLIE!!! Those preschool girl voices went a-squealing! As we drove on up to the museum, there were several construction workers… *working*. I had the windows rolled down, and the music was pumpin’…

The construction workers made no effort to hide their stares. Clearly, they were checkin’ out the hot mom in the partybusminivan *ahemcoughcough*…

It had nothing to do with 5 high-pitched preschool voices singing full-voiced to the Black Eyed Peas…

As I looked away, Bella squealed, “Hahaha! Those mens were checkin’ me out!!!”

Looks like this mama has a little competition. Drats.

***Attention local friends! I have a new giveaway! Full Circle Farm located near Seattle is offering a coupon code to my readers and 2 boxes of organic produce to two winners, but you need to visit here and comment to enter to win and get the discount code!***

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Preschoolers: Sheesh, Don't They Know It's About ME? is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

JD, may I use that phrase? I know you own the whole, “I *insert action here* so you don’t have to” concept. And it’s true! She does it ALL so we don’t have to. She’s a giver like that. She even ate sardines! I would NEVER do that for you… but mostly because my tummy is so full of Oreos and coffee all the time.

Aaaanywho. I digress.

I want to re-post my story about a cleanse I did a little over a year ago, in case you missed it. We are embarking on a season of resolutions. A time when we feel motivated to eat our veggies or purge our inboxes… or colons. Depends on the individual.

Here’s a picture. Totally unrelated. I’m getting too wordy. *eyes cross* Lucy got “polka bot” jammies for Christamas this year… I got my own last year. She made us wear them together the night she got hers. We took pics. I love how she puts on her best face for pictures:

Aaanywho – here follows my post – The Great Cleanse FAIL of 2008. May this serve as a reminder — I did a cleanse so you don’t have to. Learn from me. You don’t have to know what I have known… It is my 2010 gift to you *cheesy grin*:

I started a “cleanse” yesterday. It was to last for 16 days. DAYS. So, pretty much, if I have ever laid at the doorstep of Hell…

This — is my story as the day unfolded:

*The day started off great. I took my thyroid medication and waited an hour… I love waiting an hour to eat everyday for probably the rest of my life. My thyroid is so lame.

*I prepared my 1 cup of water and 1 tsp. of psyllium powder… to be followed by one cup of water married with the juice of half a lemon.

*Psyllium water tastes like A**!!! I’m sorry. I gagged and gagged and… MOTHER OF PEARL!!! Licking mold off bread might have gone easier. *gag*

*Breakfast: egg white omelette with onion and mushrooms. Alright.

*Not alright. Why can’t I add tomatoes and zucchini, spinach, maybe some YOLK??? *hack*

*My Twitter post: “Jenny is hungry, under-caffeinated, has a raging headache, wants chocolate … and is cursing the concept of healthy eating. *raises fist to sky*”

*Another Twitter post: “Note to self: water spiked with psyllium powder triggers your sensitive gag reflex. Also, no amount of lemon water can unring THAT bell.”

*I suck down more lemon water, regular water and 2 cups of peppermint tea.

*Warning – TMI: Aunt Flo came over today. Great. I’m am laying at the doorstep of Hell and Aunt Flo just opened the door of Hell – and hit my head with it.

*I want a Frito boat.

*The husband and I nearly divorced for all the hunger and not seeing straight. Did I mention he’s doing this too? It’s his fault. HE wanted to do this. I’m giving him moral support. I have no idea why I don’t have a golden cape to wear and a diamond-studded chalice to drink psyllium water from.

*I can’t see. My optic nerves are not receiving adequate nourishment.

*Broiling fish. That’s funny. I always thought fish were born with a layer of batter or breading. And for that matter, where’s the “-n-chips”? I thought Greek name for fish was “fish-n-chips”.

*More tea. Joy.

*Did someone just say casserole? Because I think I just heard somebody say, “The cheesy, yummy dinner casserole is ready!!!” No? I didn’t just hear that?

*Can someone die from drinking too much water?

*Is it safe for one’s head to pound so violently???

*Seriously fighting to make it just. one. day.

*Twitter: Can’t. Type. So. Weak…

*Can I just have 1 bowlful spoonful of peanut butter???

*Can I just have ONE simple carb?

*No? Then 800mgs of Ibuprofen it is.

*Twitter: When coming off caffeine… do you lose the feeling in your limbs first or your brain?

*Just a block of cheese? One. Block. It doesn’t even have to be Tillamook.

*For the love of…

*My brain… I can feel it… it is beginning to atrophy… Send. Help…

*I bring home burritos the size of my thighs.

*Twitter: Cleanse FAIL. Still no coffee, but my belly is full of the most delightful carne asada burrito. I’d feel shame if my belly wasn’t so happy.

*Was gonna just eat half that thigh-sized burrito, but so many brain cells had been destroyed over the course of my cleanse, I forgot about my good intention.

*Drank 2 beers. Really.

*Went with mah fren Lisa and sang a couple of songs for our public… Cher’s “If I could turn back time”… *how fitting* and the Dixie Chicks “Earl”.

*I never said I was perfect… just awesome.

*Aaaaand scene.

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In Which I Save Your 2010: I Did A Cleanse So You Don't Have To is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

I saw these signs awhile back. I did a double-double take and made my husband double back so we could get a picture. It is as confusing IN CONTEXT as it is out of context. Kinda like my mind lately – in or out of context… Huh? Whu?

Precisely.

Let me change directions…

• Hop on over to my reveiw blog to enter to win $500 in beauty products from L’Bel, follow this link to check it out!
• Or go there to enter for a chance to win a table-top sports game from ZeloSport… one for yourself and one for you charity of choice!
• Did you know somebody very special just made it into her first REAL PRINT magazine? I’ll give you one guess who… *whistles*… Check out the newest edition of Type-A Mom’s Winter 2009/2010 Edition… It’s full of great articles from great women of the web (sounds so Matrix-y)… and me. My own article is titled: No Fail Resolutions: Make 2010 Sparkle Like A Brand New Toilet

It’s true! Look at the picture below! That girl stabbing that devil-skein of yarn? ME! Not only is my writing in a real-life magazine, but also my ANGRY EYES!!! By the way, my hubs just asked, “So if you have SEVERAL skein of yarn… is that called FORESKEIN???” Aaaanywho. We digress:

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Sign Fail, A Manifestation of my Mind is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

We all have them. Certain words that creep us out or make us snort and giggle like we did back in driver’s ed and science class… back when simple words like “period” were dirty and worthy of a good “snicker”.

Yet, I had no idea the bevy of words I that would forever be ruined… when I grew up. Who knew my adult mind would evolve to such lowly immaturities. Or perhaps my understanding has evolved so much I am wise beyond my years.

Don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m saying. Don’t be a hater. You and me? We are more alike than you… No. That’s not true. I suppose I feel a little guilty.

You see, if my word list keeps growing at the rate is has been… I will be limited to speaking only articles and prepositions… incidentally, that brings me to my first word:

10. PREPOSITION

9. FAMISHED

8. FOLD

7. SHAMMY

6. MOIST

5. COMMANDER

4. COIFFEUR

3. SEPTIC SYSTEM

2. CREVICE

2. SALVE

2. POINSETTIA

1. BUSINESS, JUNK, TOOL andthelike.

I. Uh. Ermmmm…

The End.

*For more “mature” reading material you can hop on over to:

• My guest post at Indie Biz Chicks thankful stuffs…
• Or to Mom on the Spot where I curse the evil nature of chestnuts. Some people bring light to world issues. I fight with inanimate objects – and LOSE!
• Of course, there is always the video of this snickering inaction, thanks to good friends like my Lisa:

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The Top 10 Words That Make Me Snicker Like an Adolescent is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...