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Archive for the 'Spawn' Category

Marker for Lipstick

After an hour of, “GO TO SLEEP. GET IN YOUR BED. QUIT PLAYING. GETINBED. QUIT. BED. QUIT. SLEEP. SILENCE!!!!”

It did grow quiet. I have written before about the fact that silence is not, in fact…. golden.

You see it was silent not because Lucy had fallen asleep. N-to-the-O-T.

Instead, she was quietly making herself pretty. She is VERY MUCH into making herself pretty. And for a four year old girl, color is pretty… no matter the source. In this case… it was marker as lipstick. And apparently a bit of “rouge” for her forehead:

marker lipstick

She came downstairs… she said she was “Firsty.” I with my laptop and my husband with his… all snuggled into our onlinez. Both Paul and I groaned and each half-barked… “Lucy! You NEED to go to bed!”

And then we saw her pretty red lips.

Paul said, “My. You sure look pretty. Is that Mommy’s lipstick?”

Lucy said, “It’s not yipstick Daddy, it’s just marker.

Just marker.

Being the stellar parent that I am… I busted-up laughing. Being the even stellarer parent that he is, my husband said, “Lucy. I need to take a picture.”

Good move daddy… I took a picture back in July when I discovered her sitting on the counter… after a play date with actual lipstick.

lipstick much?

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I made it to the potty…

So. Like, yesterday… the kids and I headed over to Seattle for the evening. My hub’s business had their little launch party – MINDBLOOM…. maybeyou’veheardofit. Ifnotyouwill*ahem*. And also *fourglassesofwine-whoop!*

BEFORE the party, the kids and I met Paul for dinner… over there at the Taco del Mar right there in the Pioneer Square.

I love Taco del Mar, btw… *gives TdM the international sign for “call me”*

I do not, however love the city drunks. More specifically, the city drunks that come to use the Taco del Mar toilet. Even more specifically, the “city drunk” whose spatial reasoning has been SO COMPLETELY compromised… that I wonder why didn’t he just go pee on a brick wall in an alley like the guy we saw as we passed an alley on our walk to the restaurant… ? Huh?

Dear Angry Drunk Guy,

Why must you pee ON and AROUND and probably ABOVE the toilet, but most assuredly not IN le toilet? Do you know what that meant for ME? It meant I had to HOLD IT. For. BLOCKS.

Yes, the guy was angry too. His girlfriend or friend that was with him totally blew him off. He went in the bathroom and I heard her mutter (with her own clear Solo cup of drunk juice splashing out), “He’s drunk. I’m outta here.” This did not make Drunk Guy happy, thus my rename – Angry Drunk Guy.

My kids learned so much last night.

Long story not as long as it could be… I made it to the office, to a cleaner bathroom and took along Lucy. My VERY encouraging 4 year old. Earlier that evening I told her it was IMPERATIVE that she not pee her pants.

I brought no back-up.

“Lucy… you CANNNOT have an accident. We have no clothes for you to change into. It is rainiy and very cold outside, so it will be a long-cold walk back to the ferrry if you have an accident. No accident. NO. Clothes.”

Point made.

So, we finally get to the office after I made it very clear that Mommy needed to go BAD. Hithertofore*tinkletinkle*… sweetrelief…

This was when Lucy squealed,

“GOOD JOB MOMMA!!! I’M GLAD YOU MADE IT CUZ WE DIDNENT BRING ANY EXTRA CLOTHES FOR YOU!”

It’s true. That would have been a long, cold walk back to the ferry, for sure ;)

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Make Me Laugh Monday – My Spawn

My Spawn. Clearly.

WHERE do they get it from?!!!

IMG_0397 IMG_0401 IMG_0402

Oh. Nevermind.

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A Top 10 List: Things I Have Learned From My Children

*This piece was originally written for another site. However, despite my savvy, wit, charm and wicked-awesome… they chose a different path. Had they checked with Google, they might have seen my shizzle-esque SEO skillz… Who knows why a social media “push” would turn away a force such as myself? I have my theories, but in an effort to not burn bridges, I hold my tongue on theory and name and instead publish the post here… and keep my traffic here. It is HERE I can keep you safe, warm, glittery and caffeinated. In an “online” sort-of way…

I have learned so many valuable things from my children.

It would be impossible to share all of the things I have learned in my motherhood journey, so I will limit myself.

Besides, I went to the BlogHer Conference in Chicago this year, and at one of the SEO sessions I heard top ten lists are HOT. Therefore, in an effort to stay on the cutting edge… my Top Tizzle-ten. Oh, and this is not in any importance of order. I am not planner-y like that…

  1. Stop and smell the dandelions. And blow on them. Then stop and look at the shape of bark. Then follow the ant and see if your spit will fall on it’s back. Slow down and observe. Oh the wonder we discover when we take the time to just look… and also spit on the backs of unassuming bugs.
  2. It is not the end of the world if we are late to the doctor/tumbling class/school (see #1). Yes, it is important to teach responsibility and the value of being on time. BUT, it really isn’t the end of the world (see #1).
  3. Matching shoes are not a necessity. Really. For an adult, it is more important, but for the 10 and under set… it can be a good day if we get out of the house with one left-foot and one right-footed shoe.
  4. Laugh. A lot. And Easily.
  5. Accessorize. A little color or a little sparkle can perk up the darkest day, for oneself and even others (particularly one’s little princesses). I add sparkle daily. Also, when you eat lunch with your daughter’s 1st grade class, you will get LOTS of compliments. Beggars can’t be choosers, people. Beggars can’t be choosers…
  6. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches CAN be eaten everyday. No one will get scurvy. I speak from experience.
  7. Play the music loud and dance… in the living room, in the kitchen, on the front porch…
  8. Silence is not golden. It is the sound of danger and probably the sound of marker and paint (or worse!) being applied to select pieces of furniture or carpet  or bodies during naptime.
  9. The Tooth Fairy is a flake.                                         
  10. The best behavior modification method… *drumroll*… TIME. Time spent snuggling, time spent listening, time spent playing WITH our kids is the best way to help change… not only the child, but the parent.

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Ummmm… I just made a Jenny on the Spot Fan Page on Facebook. Madonna prolly has a bunch of fans make fan pages, but I make my own. Don’t judge me. Or do. That’s cool. This is just how it goes in the life of a sad little woman… desperate for love… attention… affirmation… attention… a fan base… And hungry for international fame. Renown. A walk on the red carpet.  I don’t think paparazzi are bad, I think they’re cute. *places crown on head, dances in front of mirror*

I’m kidding.

I’m not kidding.

*clearing throat*

Any advice on Facebook Fan Pages as opposed to using the Networked Blogs app? I don’t like how Networked Blogs posts to my wall with feeds AND notes. I like how a fan page will let conversations happen… But I know I can turn off the feed altogether on NB, but, but, but??? Any social media genius reading this? Mentor me, mentor me…

And when it all boils down… I just want to be in your head… spraying glitter and whatnot.

This sleep deprivation is gonna land me in an institution someday. I just know it.

My amends.

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My Middle Child

For each of my children’s birthdays I write them a letter here… to read “someday”…. Sometimes I am a bit behind and I am NEVER early. My oldest and youngest got theirs “on time” this year, but not my middle daughter.

Oh my poor middle child. Her birthday was in May. My calendar tells me we are closing in on October. However, I will not let this fact dissuade me. I will write this letter almost 5 months late, but she will have her letter.

My dearest Olivia…

My girl

Where do I start? Your laugh? Your fire? Your heart? Your wicked-awesome sense of humor? Your talent?

It’s hard to separate all these things from you. You are a delightful combination of zest, humor, magnetism, love, creativity and beauty. You are all girl, but pride yourself in being a tomboy. There was a time when all you would wear were dresses and pink. Nowadays you toss the skirts aside for pants or shorts, “I can’t play as hard in a skirt, Mom!”

However, you love to do your hair, beg to wear make-up and I quietly watch you when you primp…

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It has been a hard year keeping your ear piercings clean, but you have been brave. You want your hair to get longer and longer, and you do the work to have the privilege of long hair. Tangles! Ouch! I see something in your eyes when you get an idea, and you can create from nothing… a masterpiece… even from a hole punch, safety pins and index cards.

I see in you a perseverance. A determination. A fearlessness. All of these traits have potential for great good or great mischief. I see mostly great good from these things in you… but I have also seen the mischief *wink*

mischief much?

Friendships. You have cultivated many. It seems your friends see in you the greatness I have. You are a Renaissance woman already… not secured to one best friend, but definitely have deep heart connections with a few. While this is mostly good, there are times where it is hard. I remember the struggle as a young girl too – being in the middle or friendships. I have seen your tears as you have struggled to please multiple friends whose only common bond was you. You’re only 7 and you are learning big lessons in relationship. While you have not been able to navigate perfectly, I am in awe of your sensitive heart and the love you show to others. Keep loving, my daughter… keep loving.

Something I have seen change and grow in you is your sensitivity. SO many more emotional tears these last several months. I have been surprised. For a long time I always thought you had more of a stoic persona… not giving too many folks too much power over your emotion. However… you have shifted. I feel a deepening bond between even us as you dig deeper into this new girl you are becoming.

I love you, Oliva. I admire your fire. Countless people have commented on your laugh… how contagious it is. You truly have a unique, magnetic laugh. I believe your laugh it is the fruit of your good heart. I believe God has created something in you that is meant to bless others… with joy… a distraction from the darkness that seems so prevalent…

There is truly something special about you. Yes, your laugh… but I think it is comparable to frosting on a cupcake. It is what draws others to you, but there is so much more.

Olivia… my prayer today is for that sweet heart of yours. For continued innocence, for life-long softness… for that special sort of joy God has planted in your heart to continually freely flow. I pray the limits of this world do not limit your creative process… I pray you continue to create and dream and grow by boundless measure. I pray your confidence is never stifled, but that arrogance never grips you. And as always, I pray that as you make choices, that you will continually choose Jesus.

And I want you to know this about Jesus… I am a sinful woman. I make bad choices, even now. But remember that while the world wants to insist that the God your daddy and I are trying to teach you about is full of fury and wrath and judgement and condemnation… the God we love is FIRST a God of grace. Of forgiveness…  And that is why we chose “Grace” to be your middle name. There is far too little of it in this world… Olivia Grace… peace, grace… You, my daughter have a namesake and I am so proud to be the woman who you call “Mom”. I am blessed that YOU are my daughter.

Love you girl,

Mom

Literally

Children.

They are such literal thinkers, no?

This morning at breakfast my 7 year-old daughter inquired about a song,

Mom. You know that Annie song, “Tomorrow”?… It says, “Bet your bottom dollar”… Um… Is… Is that a bad song?

It took a moment, but I realized what she was thinking… Can you imagine what was in her mind’s eye? “Bottom dollar”… I explained,

Oh HONEY! “Bottom dollar” means your LAST dollar.”

She threw her head back and just laughed… and laughed and laughed… As did I. And her brother.

“Bottom dollar”…. heh. Talk about a wedgie.

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Make Me Laugh Monday – My Children, My Madness, My Joy… and Also My Digressionses

I woke up one morning.

I got out of bed.

I heard my Mama…

And what did she say?

She said,

“What do want,

On your breakfast bread?”

I said,

“JAM ON IT!”

Heh. ‘Member that rap? Ah…. childhood. I’ve always been a wrapper at heart. Even as a blue eyed white girl… whose first experience with racism was against her (me). The boy I liked in 4th grade (3rd?) was Hispanic, and I was not (but my heart… if he only knew the Juanita Veronica Maria Carmen Montoya de la Cruz that lived inside). When he found out I had a crush on him he told me, “I don’t like girls that are white. I only like brown girls.”

Continue reading ‘Make Me Laugh Monday – My Children, My Madness, My Joy… and Also My Digressionses’

Can I Be Totally Honest?

This weekend sucked. I was going to “fluff” up the “sucked” part and be all, “This weekend was Stinky Stinkerson.” But if I wrote that, the the “totally honest” part of my title would not have been “totally honest”.

It was not a weekend of illness. Nor a weekend of tragedy. Nor a weekend of poverty, nor oppression, nor starvation, nor anything worthy of garnering an uprising of pity, concern or having a group of friends rally and bring my family meals for 2 weeks (though I would never turn that away, rain OR shine)…

It just sucked. The “Mom!!!” part of this weekend, sucked.
Continue reading ‘Can I Be Totally Honest?’

My Little Girls

My girlsDon’t let the picture fool ya. All that “primping”… all that pink. Because as soon as they step away from the mirror, one will hear/observe things like I experienced last night while we waited for big brother’s soccer practice to end…

Olivia (7) sat on the grass (criss-cross applesauce-style) while Lucy (4) spun about like the Tazmanian Devil. I had no idea Lucy even had her ears on to involve herself in Olivia’s farty escapade… Surely all her spinning and madness caused her ears to fly off. Not so much.

Olivia shouted for all the parents to hear: “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!”

Her warning was of no help. For as soon as the “s” in “lives” left her lips… a ground rumbling fart parted the waves of grass across the span of at least 2 soccer fields. Before I even had time to plug my nose or hide from the good soccer moms… Lucy shouted, “FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!” and ducked for cover behind a pole-thing.

And I stood there. Then I took out my iPhone and sent myself an email about what happened so I wouldn’t forget. And Olivia said, “Are you gonna blog that Mom?” And I was all, “Uhhh… YEAH!” And I also was all, “And by the way… don’t do that again. That’s bad manners.” And then I was all, “I must say that was really funny, girls. But don’t do that again.” And I snorted. And so did Olivia. And then we both snorted again.

By the way, I’ve been hydrating thanks to the Crystal Water Way Challenge… I’ve been doing a pretty good job!

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Safety!

This is what my kids yell after they fart. For if they are caught farting and do not shout “safety” the hearer/smeller of the fart yells “doorknob” and the fater must go touch a doorknob.

This is commonplace in our home.

Doesn’t matter if no one heard the fart. You’ll know it within moments. Like today… we were at the park. The youngest started to make her way to the playset. She was WAY out of fart-hearing distance. She looked over at me. I thought she thought I thought she walked too far from me, and was looking at me to see if I’d call her back.

Nope.

She looked at me… head cocked, with a bit of a smirk…

Safety!

Half-yelled, but never missed a step… “SAFETY!”

Good thing she said that, cuz it’s hard to find a doorknob at the park. Had I hear that fart… I TOTALLY would have made her find a doorknob. No mercy.

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