I’m am SO sorry.

I have not been a good web hostess.

I left early-to-the-early last Thursday to attend the BlogHer Conference… and got back late last night (if you are reading this in 2022, that would be Aug. 4-8, 2011… Thu-Mon… A LONG time for mommy to be away… bless my husband’s heart… he is a saint and I wish you could have experienced the welcome Kevin (mah dog) gave… he jumped on the car and ran circles so fast and furiously one would think he had just discovered he had 4 legs or somethin’… aaaaaaaanywho…).

Just wanted to share a pinch about why I’ve been gone. Not that anyone has asked where I’ve been, but just in case you were worried… don’t call the cops. I’m OK… depending on your definition of what “OK” is.

I have so much to share!!! But in consideration of time… let me post a few pictures that capture the essence of The Time of My Family Neglect my trip to BlogHer. I need to take my kids out to breakfast and win back their love…

Lisa, Amy (MomSpark) and me on a pedicab, feeling  very safe and surprised that we didn’t just get hit by that taxi when running the red light.

Lisa and I at the Cheeseburgher party. Lisa is doing a duck-face, in case you can’t tell. We are both wearing bag hats. Because it isn’t a Cheeseburgher party without a bag hat and a duck-face and whathaveyou.

Amy, Me and Lisa on a rooftop! I think Amy is one of the most photogenic people I have ever met!

On a yacht in the San Diego Harbor!

So. May I take a moment and share about this yacht-trip? Hors d’oeuvres… champagne… ice cream… And if you look closely at this picture… you will see one of 2 strapping young San Diego young men.

Emphasis YOUNG.

Emphasis STRAPPING.

I think the young man (who I am clearly making the night-of *ahem*) seen in the picture above was also a yoga instructor & personal trainer.

Or was he the massage therapist?

In any case, sometimes events stack their staff with young, strapping young men who have positions as “yoga instructors” and “massage therapists” as their day-”jobs”…. And sometimes this may make a woman may feel like a dirty old woman. But happy. Apparently.

P.S./and aside: have you SEEN the pictures of the birthday party I went to where the firemen took off their shirts and got slappy with cheese slices?

Heaven-on-earth how did I land in a life of yachting with young, strapping yoga instructors and shirtless firemen with cheese slice welts!

The American Dream, no?

Oh. And unicorn cakes. I have seen them with mine own eyes. And unlike vampires, one CAN capture a unicorn cake on camera:

My 6 y.o. just saw this which rendered her almost speechless. All she could do was whisper, “Mom. That is AWESOME.”

Bringing this back around… this is why I have not been here to play and joke and blather about coffee and glitter. I hope you understand. And please know I miss you.

And also this Saturday is our third annual POULSBOPALOOZA!!!

If you happen to be in the area – you gotta stop in! GOTTA, PEOPLE!!! Bring some diapers, and picnic lunch and maybe some ear plugs. If you come at the right time, I’ll throw some Oreos at you. I’m serious. See here to see how serious I am…

If I can’t be a rock-star on TV, I will try on YouTube and/or at the local park once a year…

Peace and Sparkles,

Jenny/JOtS

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An Amends and Unicorn Cakes and Strapping Young Men is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

A right of passage in childhood is having one’s mom bring birthday goodies to class.

Me, not being one to rob rights of passages from my children, I dared take cupcakes to Olivia’s class – Hot Chocolate Cupcakes.

{recipe here}

{But I used a box mix and canned frosting}

{And Stacey and Nadine’s candy canes, because they are givers}

I think this story would best be told in a VLOG… (if you click on the image it will take you to YouTube. Either the embed code isn’t working or the embed code isn’t working… Go here for an explanation on words like embed).

Aaaaanywho. Now that the blood has become scab… wanna REALLY see?

I woke up the morning after with a limp.

Big scabs aren’t all that BENDY. So going down stairs has been all kinds of creative fun.

You know what else? I am in a fashion show in about a week.

STOP LAUGHING.

Perhaps I am more “show” than “fashion”, but no need to laugh.

I just got my assigned clothing… hours before my big fall.

A DRESS.

The hemline is ABOVE MY KNEES.

Read: THE SCAB WILL SHOW.

Not to mention the fact I may or may not be the best at NOT FALLING.

Bright side: great blog content.

Do you remember The Great Fall of 2010?

So much.

I am 5 foot not-quite 4 inches.

And I wear sometimesasize10shoe.

Have you ever tried walking with flippers on???

WELCOME TO MY LIFE.

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Pretty much earned my super mom cape… and a limp. is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

Definitely not a Make Me Laugh Monday.

Why??? BECAUSE I WANT TO VENT.

So LAST WEEK smacked around my ego quite a bit. But then I met Mr. Cherry on Top. On the 5th grade field trip.

Because riding 3 to a seat on a bus bursting out the windows with hormonal smelly gossipy loud lively tweens wasn’t awesome enough.

This had me…

eyeballing this…

But back to my urge to shove a grown man off a park bench.

There was this field trip. With a nature walk. Through a meadow, a forest, to a beaver-made pond and back to grandmother’s house.

We were in the forest-part. I am so out-doorsy… 50-80 year-old trees towered above. We stopped to listen to a guide-person. There was a bench. I was tired.

I sat on the bench.

I’m a hard-working girl. Frankly, it was nice to sit on a bench and yawn instead of standing in my boots made for wading (great for the meadow) but not for walking (not great for the forest)… and yawn.

This is not Santa. It’s me.

My co-chaperone (a father) sat next to me.

I yawned.

I apologized.

I yawned again.

I apologized.

He said…

He, he… he said,

You know… after 40, you shouldn’t be partyin’ so hard on a weeknight…

The H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS???

What the…?

AFTER. FORTY?????

!!!!!

?????

On my outside, I laughed nervously, but on the inside I had quite the conversation with myself… trying to decide whether I should:

1. Say nothing, and continue in nervous laughter…
2. Point out that the only forty year old on that there bench was OVER FORTY HIM…
3. Shove him off the bench…
4. Push him in the beaver pond…
5. Chop down the cedar/alder/douglassfir/IDon’tKnowMyTrees he was sitting under…
6. Ask him, “HOW OVER FORTY DO YOU THINK I AM AND DO YOU NEED A RECOMMENDATION TO A GOOD EYE DOCTOR, AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO START RUNNING NOW??? BECAUSE I AM GOING TO START THROWING THESE PINE CONES AT YOU.”
7. All of the above…

I sure hope he doesn’t read my blog.

Also, I am WAY more of a bad a$* in my head.

FOR THE RECORD: I AM NOT FORTY!!! NOT FORTY NOR OVER FORTY.

Yet.

I ended up just nervously laughing and said, “Heh. Yeah. Heh. Heh.”

But the heart of my face wanted to show him this:

1. What did you just say?
2. No seriously dude.
3. I LOOK OVER 40 TO YOU???
4. Are you blind? Have you NO SOUL, man??? You don’t talk like that to a woman. Even if she’s 80, she is NEVER over 30. EVER.

EVER.

SO. Have YOU ever slipped up? Put your foot in your mouth? Do tell… do tell…

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Make Me want to push him off the park bench… Monday is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. There was one recently about the dad of one of my kids’ classmates… *random*…who was the Incredible Hulk and he had to hold his breath so he could go invisible so as not to scare the children while decorating cookies.

?

And I had to tell him (in the dream) that is was really awkward to hold a conversation with an invisible person who was unable to breathe. And then I felt all-bad for having to call him out on his shortcomings… You know, being green and invisible, unable to speak due to breath-holding and whathaveyou. “Not a great way to make friends and conversation”, I say to him…

?

Dreams have a reputation for being weird.

Just yesterday, my friend Barb left a note on my Facebook wall telling me she had quite an odd dream about Jyl, Maia and Me… Something about Jyl wearing wrong colors and me being mad about her about that… and Barb hid, and…

She blames it on her cold medicine.

I can’t blame cold medicine. I blame exhaustion. But there is one dream I need to blame on guilt and diet and body image issues. Or maybe it was the tryptophan.

Let’s just say November has helped me pack on a 5 pound “winter coat”. And maybe I am feeling a little bit sensitive/aware/ticked-off/obsessed about it.

So.

My dream.

In it, I hopped out of bed to get dressed and notice my support undergarment overflowethed. I told myself I was only dreaming.

In my dream.

I proceeded to get dressed. Forcing things to be contained in too-small containers. *ahem*

Once the girls were strapped down, I met up with my friend Stacey. Before she even could say hello – she stepped back. WAAAAAAAAY back.

Whoa there, Jenny…

Her arms flailed… like the sight of me sent her off balance. Like someone walking on trying not to fall off a tight rope.

DUDE. DID YOU GET A BOOB JOB?

Like, YESTERDAY???!!!

I stood aghast. Then ashamed.

It was at this point IN my dream that my dream interpreted itself…

I replied flatly, with head-hung low… “No. I’ve been eating too much stuffing, and… Listen. It’s been a busy month. And theeeeeeese are where I gain all my weight.”

*end dream*

Just remember, dreams are not an accurate picture of reality.

Just feel I need to say that.

Aaaaanywho. I recently received a coupon to receive a FREE dream interpretation. I guess there’s money in that business. Looks like… I may need to update my LinkedIn, ya’ll.

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Now I am a Dream Interpreter? is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

and/or wasps and/or yellow jackets.

Basically anything with stingers.

Seriously.

No. I really mean it.

I guess they don’t have to have stingers… I’m thinking I am just pretty much afraid of flying things.

Yeah. That. But the ones with stingers are especially frightening. Pretty much simply due to the fact that

STINGERS STING AND WHATHAVEYOU

You can read about the full story here.

*shivers*

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The Confessional: I Am Afraid of Bees… is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

It’s been a little crazy around here.

Emphasis on “a little” actually meaning “a lot”.

{These are not my post-its. I need a post-it to remind myself to get more post-its, but I am out of post-its, so…}

{photo credit: kakachu on flickr}

Today, as I opened my laptop for the millionteenth time, I couldn’t remember why I was opening said laptop.

This happens a lot. The forgetting. The not remembering: Why I went upstairs.. words I want to use… that I am hungry and despite my thick winter coat I need to eat.

At least I know my name. Read on…

In an effort to center… in an effort to begin the task I was so intent to begin… I found myself going back.

Back.

No. Backer.

I spoke outloud. To myself. In the car. By myself.

♫ with my by myself ♫

Yes. My laptop was in the car. I often work in my car… with my by myself…

No time to waste, people. The bus runs the latest when I have the most to do, and no tools to do it with.

Um.

So. I opened my laptop and could NOT remember what I needed to do. I thought to me, I thought, “Focus Jenny. Fo. Cus.”

And I blurted:

“My name is Jenny.”

I looked at my reflection in the window and said to me, “Did I just say my name is Jenny?”

I looked at my reflection in my rear view mirror, “I told me what my name was.”

“And I am talking to me.”

Buuuuuuut… it worked.

Just like someone with a head trauma, I had to make sure I knew the most basic of answers…. my own name.

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My Name Is Jenny is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

Sad Little Pumpkin

The moment of silence I request is not for that sad little pumpkin. But for this one.

Not that I’m sad.

Nor am I a pumpkin.

I’m old aging.

*raises fist to the beast that is aging and the associated cost to said aging!*

Tomorrow is the day that is traditionally recognized as the anniversary of my birth.

And since I will never again be younger than I am today, I thought I would ask us all to take a moment of silence… to mourn the passing of a younger-number… and also to think about how expensive anti-aging creams are.

I’m serious.

2 days ago it hit me. My new number. And my tummy got all twisty. And my wallet actually flinched.

I do not do this whole aging-thing well. I used to be the young one… Now I am the one who “looks good for your age!”

FABulous.

And in the end, this has turned into less of a Moment of Silence and more of a long-winded post that could be taken one of two ways… {please note I am not at all mathy}:

• as a cry for help
• a way to manipulate people into saying 23 28 32 35 38 isn’t OLD!
• a way to manipulate comments such as, “You do NOT look a day over *insert your age-appropriate compliment here*!”
• a pitiful way to get birthday wishes the day before one’s birthday
• a pitiful way to get ANY birthday presents wishes
• just a sad old woman with a blog

And also, I suck at wordless-ness and also the silence. I hear it’s a sign of aging.

*cups hand over ear and asks you to speak-up*

Let’s see…

This is not the last you’ll hear from me on this. Tomorrow, I turn to hope. I will share my life list. My “before I turn 40 life-list”… I can’t think past 40. Also, another sign of aging.

{photo deets for the curious: I took the above picture with my iPhone. I broke out the Hipstamatic app and used the Kodot film and John S lens. No flash. Then… I uploaded the pic to Piknic and added the VampireScope effect. I was unable to get the name of the pumpkin… May he rest in peace… clearly he won’t be resting in a pie…}

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The newest giveaway is worth $100 and focuses on family traditions! Check it out here!

And don’t forget about the babies…

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Let's Take A Moment of Silence is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

I’m sure you know exactly what I am talking about. One day you are in New York. Just enjoying the sights on Broadway… at 7 in the morning, in a tutu… Ya know… just a simple girl doing simple, normal, everyday things…

See? Normal. Totes.

And before you know it, daytime turns to darktime. Strange, gorgeous women with really big hair, who eat 3 peas and one cashew a day… appear hungry eager to shave the legs of others. It is at this point I say to me, “THE HECK?!” And also, “How did I get to here? No, really. How did I get here, people?”

Similarly… One day you find yourself keeping a blog. Just enjoying the camaraderie, the 2 comments and creative outlet… All alone. With your laptop and your mind. And all the internet.

Before you know it you find yourself “pitching”, but not in a baseball sort-of way. Pitching to speak. Because you have things to say, and eventually one or two or… of the pitchees say “bring it”.

More or less.

This is where I turn to me and says,

THE HECK, Jenny?!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO US???!!! Speak? In front of PEOPLE? You write. Your grace — editing. There is no grace in speaking. You make videos – THAT YOU EDIT. Jenny. Jenny. JEN. NY. Why dost thou betray us?

Us. Yes US. I We are like layers. Me, Myself, I and J-Bling.

Though I am out-of-my-skin excited, I am also freaked-to-the-out! Times a hundred. Give or take. Next week I will present “How to be an internet movie phenom without taking your clothes off!” at Ignite Seattle 11. And it matters not if I am an internet movie phenom, it only matters that I am.

Dissect that.

I am excited and honored to soon join Ignite “alumni” status with 3 women I greatly admire – Jen of This Pile, Maya of Think Maya, and Aimee of Greeblemonkey. Guilty by association? Then YES.

And then there’s the Type-A Mom conference in a couple of weeks… where I will speak on a panel about humor blogging. I will sit next to some serious funny and I will want to crawl into the hole of a hole of a hole of a hole in the bottom of the sea and chide myself, “Why do you do this to us, Jenny?!”

But then I look for inspiration. Today, I look to Eminem … lyricist, philosopher, rapper…

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

Not that I will be making music. Or rapping. Or wearing a baseball cap sideways. Or grabbing myself.

Yeah.

I just need the young girl who was so nervous she misspelled “kitchen” in her 5th grade spelling bee to “blow”, if you will. To throw caution to the wind. To worry not what the crowd will think but worry what she will think in 5 years if she lets fear, insecurity and timidity create her path.

What if  — I tank? It is entirely possible. At least my Ignite presentation won’t be caught on video.

Oh. Crap.

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In Which I Ask Myself, "The Heck?!" is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

I confess. It is August and I still have Christmas decorations up. However unintentional. Last year, when I was decorating for Christmas, I found a Christmas pillow – THAT WAS OUT ALL YEAR. The other day I was doing a hardcore cleaning because I was hosting a baby shower. This time I found a snowman and a hanging basket of greens and berries. I just can’t get my act together. But that’s what you love about me, right? Just say “yes”… please just say “yes”…

Am I alone? Am I the only one who does this?

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Christmas Finds in August is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...

I wonder if Kevin Bacon ever thought his name would be used in such close proximity and relation to the words “tampon crafts”.

This post is really a second installment to yesterday’s post… the one about Kevin Bacon and the Easter Bunny. But it has less to do with ♥ Kevin Bacon ♥…

and more to do with the, uh… tampon Easter Bunny.

Why? Because when I was searching the interwebz for a photo of  a *hawt/hott* Easter Bunny… *don’t ask*… somehow I came across http://www.tamponcrafts.com/bunny.html.

Tampon Crafts – for ANY time of the month!

So much.

And after much debate with myselve(s) on whether I should simply post the link to Facebook or save it for Make We Laugh Monday…. or whether or not I should admit to ANYONE that I Googled “hot easter bunny”…

I decided to share. Onaccountofthefact I keep the bar low, and am not above not posting articles about tampon crafts. Apparently.

I mean, c’mon it’s funny. And funny IS the point of MWLM. Totes.

And really, the site is QUITE gross impressive. Not only are step-by-step-by-step instructions given on how to make a tampon bunny… but there are many OTHER crafts too!

A pan flute!

A blowgun!

(this is KILLIN’ me)…

And don’t be sad if your ipHone dies (like mine)… there is always the iTampon.

*In non-tampon related postings… The Better Together Gain $100 Visa gift card giveaway ends June 3rd! And only one day remaining on the Firehouse! book and playset giveaway ($60 value!).

And always remember… I love you. I post these things… because I love you THAT much.

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Make We Laugh Monday: Tampon Crafts and a Nod to Kevin Bacon is a post from: Jenny On the Spot * This is what I do...