Mainly, I am giving some tips here for those feeling compelled to expose themselves (well, not literally for pete sakes! … this seems like a family show here!) to somebody like TheDarcy.

Admitting to DarcyVictim-ization is a Big Step. Kudos to you JennyOnTheSpot! Nice drawings. You should contract with TheDarcy for these so she has something to send away with you as you try to figure out how to torture, er…do this yourself. TheDarcy and I have both tried drawing these for years. You have produced masterpieces! Even so, I think its hopeless for me to do this “(dis?)-functional training” stuff without accidentally hanging myself or otherwise making joints function in ways they weren’t meant to, so I will have to keep coming back. An endless load of butt-crunches, ab-lunges, plyo-metric soleus-gastrocnemia a-ductor and core engaging will have to be personally directed by TheDarcy. (WARNING: for those that have not experienced it: those words back there are some that TheDarcy might use for mesmerizing you just before the really dumbfounding contortions are demonstrated and then demanded from you)

There are ways to ensure surviving TheDarcy. A good tactic is to make sure there is another human within earshot. Try to establish eye contact, and say “its all her fault” in a low and controlled voice. This can be effective after a particularly embarrassing and uncontrolled “yeeowww” or “uuuggghhhheeeeoooo-OK-I-Give”. BTW, at another torture chamber, er… gym, the one where TheDarcy began her victimizing ways, they had signs up that said “NO GRUNTING OR MOANING ALLOWED”. ***I am not making this up!!!*** Can you imagine … turning you over to somebody like TheDarcy and then having to look at big “NO GRUNTING OR MOANING ALLOWED” signs that were strategically located next to the most diabolical contraptions? That place is now out of business, but TheDarcy lives on. Again I digress…..

Back to surviving … you should also try to make social contact with one of the other torturers, er … trainers close by. Learn their names. They will have no pity on you, but it can buy you some time to recover from gasping. But don’t be too obvious or linger with this. It can result in additional “reps” if TheDarcy gets on to you. These defenses are more difficult if she takes you to the secret locked torture, er … workout room where it seems only the hardcore Darcys take their victims. In this case you have to slip in an occasional “I really-feel-the-burn on THAT one”, or ” ahem…losing my Form HERE!” and then teeter some–as if you could help it anyway–to really sell it. All of this has to be done while not failing to listen to multiple conflicting directions for turning and twisting body parts in unnatural ways.

BUT, not to worry, .. actually, I’ve found that The Darcy will NOT let you NOT survive. She needs to see the pain and hear the complaining that can only come from a squirming and contorted human dangling helplessly from that TRX contraption, or from The-Burn-of-Squatting for ?hours? (you lose track of time) with a 700-bajillion-pound lead bar on your shoulders, or from sucking face with a Bosu until you admit that you like the smell of it. [DARCY STOP READING HERE] So I’m safe because she has to make sure you survive.

All warnings aside — and now you will see that the DarcyVictim-ization of me is hopelessly complete — [OK DARCY, START READING AGAIN] This Darcy is good! And she is always proud of her victims, er … clients, and has time and again inspired many of us to do things that we never thought were possible. (Okay, THEY MAY NOT BE possible, but she convinces you that you did them anyway!). I don’t know whether this creaky old geezer of a DarcyVictim would ever be welcome to Go Blog-Commenting here again or not, but you can bet that in the meantime I will be gettin’ some Serious Butt Burnin’ torture, er .., fitness sessions as result of doin’ it this time..

Once upon a time I did. Now I’m all squishy. :-(

you’re killing me.

I’ll be toned as hell, but I’ll be dead.

Thanks for that.