“What a retard.”
“That was retarded.”
When you read those statements, what did you feel? I wrote them with no context, but did you feel anything?
Did it bother you at all?
It bothers me.
When I hear people use “retarded” flippantly (as opposed to using it in it’s proper context), I feel my insides coil back. I almost feel like putting up a defensive hand move. Maybe plug my ears or wince? Last week I was speaking with an acquaintance who threw out that second phrase, and I felt like I was in high school. I broke a bit of a sweat. I wanted to tell that person not to say that, but I didn’t want to look dumb. I don’t tell other adults not to curse in front of me. But this was different.
It is far worse than cursing.
And I never said anything. I let it pass.
My internal “jerk” has only grown in recent weeks since having the opportunity to listen to Tanis Miller of Attack of the Redneck Mommy read the post that she wrote about this very issue at the BlogHer ‘09 Community Keynote. She is the mother of a child with disabilities… She has also lost a child who was disabled. Unlike me, she does not let those interactions “pass”.
I am thankful someone captured her reading. I was deeply moved, and impassioned. I want to share that video with you. It gives perspective… is heart-breaking… and enlightening. There is nothing like the heart of a mother as she “goes to the mat” for her child. The video follows, but you can lay your eyes on each word of her post here.
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But names will never hurt me.
Not true.
**********
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Our firstborn daughter died when she was 4 days old because she had Trisomy 13. Had she survived, she would have been “retarded.” She was such a blessing. Such a life changer for so many people. So unless someone is saying “Your’re a retard” as a total compliment… Actually it should be a compliment. Especially now (since our daughter) my heart melts and gravitates towards special needs children. How beautiful they are. What blessings they are. How pure they are. How untainted by the world.
In trying to raise my kids to be kind, thoughtful, loving people, I’ve found myself speaking out more and more. It is a hard thing to do.
Jenny,
I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate your post. My brother has some issues and I have been very careful not to use that word — and not to allow my girls to use it either. Does my brother have a clue people are saying it when we’re sitting nearby or what it means? I’m not sure. But if I am sitting with him and I hear it, I automatically cringe. It makes me mad that they can tell something isn’t quite right with him, and yet a few minutes later they’re describing something or calling someone else in that way. Too many people say that word — way too many KIDS say it. It makes me sad.
This is inspiring. I know exactly how you feel.
I have several neighbors who read my blog and use that word on a daily basis. I hope this will give me the courage to correct them in a more gentle way. “Careless” is exactly what it is for most people.
I would love to put up a similar post on my blog and link back to this one, if you don’t mind.
Please let me know.
Thank you for writing this, and Tanis for writing and speaking. My aunt has Down Syndrome. She is in her 50’s now. When she was born, there wasn’t a lot known about her condition and there weren’t many therapies available to her. My mother still cries when she tells me of the day that they took her sister to a state run institution at the age of 7. My mother’s family visited my aunt often and brought her home on weekends, but it was very clear that the experience of that institution broke my aunt’s will.
By the time I was born my aunt no longer lived at the institution. She lived in a group home and spent weekends at my grandparents’ home. I was very aware of what “retarded” meant. It was not funny in any way.
Whenever a friend of mine would use the word retarded in an offensive manner it felt like a slap in my face. I never said anything to anyone about how offended I was. It’s been a while since I have had anyone say such a thing to me but I will be sure to correct them in a polite way and maybe share with them my aunt’s story.
Obviously this is a big issue for me, for my children.
I heart you forever for helping spread the word and for embracing my cause.
You rock my socks.
Yeah, people- I- am careless. I grew up hearing that word used from my East Coast parent. It has been imbedded in my speech. It is wrong. I can so clearly hear my family toss it about. We never called other people that but we certainly call ourselves it. Never put it together. So I formally apologize to Redneck Mommy, Totally Desperate Mom, Jessica, Madge (you especially because I know what happened to your Aunt and I feel that pain-deep), and everyone else for using that word. I am sorry.
Jenny go ahead and give me that hand of defense, cringe, plug your ears and recoil, because I think it’ll come out of my mouth yet again…and it’ll still be wrong.
Thank you for this post.
My son is considered special needs and hearing people throw that word around makes my skin crawl. My son was at the park with his grandmother when he was 3 and a child who I was told couldn’t have been more than 5 came up to him, asked him if he was “retarded or something” and then pushed him. Had I been there, his mother would have gotten a mouthful from me. I will never understand why a person would choose to teach their child such ignorance.
Another thing that really upsets me is when people reference the smaller busses in order to make fun of another person. Whenever I would hear that I would simply ask them “what is wrong with ‘short buses? It is a bus equipped with seat belts to keep the kids safe, and my son happens to ride it.”
It just infuriates me that people don’t think about who they might hurt when they use words like that.
I’m super sensitive to this and I’m not afraid to speak up and tell them what I think about that word! Most people use it flippantly and don’t realize how that can sting and hurt someone (especially me now that I’m a mother of a special needs child). By telling them, it usually keeps at least one more person from saying it.
I loved that session at BlogHer and Tannis’ was my favorite. It did a number on my make-up, though.
That was beautifully said.
Thanks for posting this.
I love to see a mother’s love defending her babies. Just beautiful.
My mom taught special needs kids and I used to volunteer at camp in the summer and then was a teacher assistant through college – I do not tolerate the word retarded. And I will kick a$$ of anyone who does. So there.
Good for you. You know how I feel about the “R” word. RNM’s post was amazing…very eloquent.