Do you know what I mean? The constant spinning of one’s mind. Thought after thought after thought builds on thought after thought after thought… Free association, if you will.
The list of to-do’s… The consequences of not accomplishing the to-do’s… What NEEDS to be done? What on that list is do or die? If I don’t “do” who or what will die? Really? OMG. How will it all get done?
Then there’s the guilt. If I had managed my time better… If I had done “this” instead of “that”. I wish I had paid closer attention. I should have told he kids “NO”. I should have told the kids “NO” and made sure they listened. I should have let them help me. I can’t believe Livi will be in first grade.
Should I homeschool her? I homeschooled Joel for first grade. It was so hard. But it was so wonderful. I’m not ready for her to be at school all day. I feel so sad. I feel relieved that school starts next week. I don’t really know how I feel. I feel like crying. I don’t want her gone all day.
I think Aunt Flo is packing her bag for her next visit. I feel like crying. I was reading a funny story today - that made me cry. I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning in a pool of sweat. I had to change my jammies. I’m 35 and having night sweats. I have to up my thyroid medication again. I hate night sweats.
When will Aunt Flo be here. Can I cry yet?
Why do I feel like crying?
Guilt. I don’t have a job… I am not gainfully employed. I am a stay at home mom, and want to be. Why don’t I have time? Am I a huge time-manager-failure? Am I totally screwing my family by mismanaging my time? How do I motivate myself to to the stuff I hate? How do I train myself to find the courage to make decisions. I hate filing and sorting through years of… I hate making decisions.
Do my kids consider me a comfort? Am I safe place, or a rule Nazi? I don’t read to them enough. I don’t bathe them enough. They don’t eat enough greens. I am giving them cancer - right? I have been terrible about giving them their fluoride. Their adult teeth are going to be yellow and brittle and it will by my fault. All. My. Fault.
I don’t homeschool. I am not gainfully employed. Yet, I am overwhelmed. I have no right to complain about the things I should do or need to do. Homeschool moms have reason to be overwhelmed. Working moms have reason to be overwhelmed. I feel like a wuss.
I can’t get a grip. Each day slips away. The kitchen never really gets clean. The laundry is never really done. At least one bathroom is always in need of quarantine. Dust *cough*. But I cleaned up 4 “accidents” in the past 2 days. I guess somethings got done.
I chopped veggies for 2 hours on Monday night. Thats a step in the right direction.
Why does that one lady, oh, and that other one - ignore me? Why do I care? Is it me? Do they think I’m a dork? Women. I don’t understand them.
Every day my family needs to eat. I wish we didn’t have stomachs. Seriously. 3 meals a day? Plus snacks? How do I EVER leave the kitchen?
And life is wonderful. I have 3 healthy kids. A great husband. An incredible home. Food. Love. I have the most lovely friends. I am so blessed. I feel like a heel.
I wish my brain would let me rest.
God? Are you showing me the areas I need to grow? I know growing “good” requires weeding… and that is neither an easy nor painless job.
OR…
Devil? Are you just working super-hard to discourage me to the point of paralysis? Hoping I’ll chop my own legs out from under my own self.
I feel like I should know. And I just don’t.
Holy crap! Get out of my head!!!
Seriously, it’s freakin’ me out.
You are doing just fine AND we all go through those same “brain-wrecks”. For me? Lists … even if I can’t stick to them, they make for a great brain dump!
(((hugs))) g’friend … today’s a new day.
I a VERY similar rant to my husband last night. His response? “…and when are you getting your thyroid checked?!”
{…sigh…}
It’s always the ‘roids.
Hugs for you!
Ditto.
You have the same Disease as I do - It is know as CRAZY BRAIN! There is no cure however a glass or bottle of Wine before bed does help!!
You my friend are in need of either (a)a girls night out dancing (b)a run or bike ride to get those endorphins pumping (c) all of the above. You are an amazing mom (I just know it, ok?) and the house stuff is less important that the interacting with people stuff. I totally get where you’re coming from re: the whole food thing. Maybe you can have a day where you cook stuff to last the whole week to give yourself a break. And women…those that ignore you are NOT worth a moments thought. You are a treasure, a gift, a fantabulous amazing woman and anyone who is not completely blinded by that fact is stupid. So there (hands on hips).
I am SO with you. I remind myself that I can only do my best, but then I look around and think, if this is my best, we’re all totally screwed.
take a breath and then take a bike ride. get your body moving and your brain to stop. if it makes you feel any better i have these thoughts too. i think any mom does… just remember to forgive yourself no one is perfect and no one would like you if you were! perfect is boring.
you are not alone, sistah.
i call it monkey brain and it is a disease. i’m pretty sure you can google it on webmd.
and why the indecisiveness??? the not knowing? or the knowing, but not being able to act on that knowing?
these are questions i am asking myself almost daily.
and my hubunit, who is amazing, is a do-oer. he gets everything done in half the time it takes me, the wanderer, to get anything done.
like right now, he’s at the gym working out and i’m supposed to be in the shower before we go to meet our son’s pre-school teacher. but we’ll be late, again, because of me, again.
sometimes, it really bugs me. other times, i can’t muster the energy to care.
and there are women who so don’t want to speak to me. why?? well. maybe i know why.
still, i would want to be your friend, just from reading this one post :-)
BIG HUGS TO YOU! (Also, I have night sweats - and I’m 29. Nothing is sexier than having your boyfriend reach over to touch you in the middle of the night and finding that your back is sopping wet).
Oh boy! It seems we are all having these thoughts these days. Go check out Kim’s post from yesterday and my comment. We’re a; ;struggling with these types of “crazy brain” thoughts.
Hang in there! That moment when you look at your kids and they are grinning and laughing? You know you are doing everything just right.
Did I sleep-write this post under your name? I swear it’s my brain thick with thought too. Only difference is that I’m a working mom who feels that I never get it right either. I often think my kids deserve so much better than what they got. But then I remind myself that they are healthy despite the lack of green vegetables, they are in a stable home life, & they love me unconditionally. Ultimately, how the house looks won’t matter in the end. Sure, it would be nice if it were clean more often than it’s not. Or ever. I just can’t feel guilty about it now. I have too much else to either “grow” on or not believe the devil’s lies. My brain? Is full.
“Thick with thought” - I like that. The next time my husband or one of my friends (who are almost all child-less) tells me to take a chill pill, I will just tell them that I am “thick with thought …” :)
I often feel the same way, but devoting your time to your kiddies and doing all that you do for them is the best. Mommying, while one of the most important jobs, is sometimes one of the most thankless jobs. You/we should never feel we’re not doing enough!
I totally thought I posted this on MY blog but it ended up on YOURS! How weird is THAT??
I think I need to have my thyroid checked.
Girl, I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but you are NOT ALONE! Obviously, because all the people who replied before me pretty much said the same thing. I know it makes ME feel better to know I’m not the only one who goes thru all this! THANK YOU for validating me!
Be careful about that weeding business. Last time I started to let the gardner do some weeding - I got moved to PR ;)
Love you!!! (and miss you too!)