Today was The Last Day of School and it makes me feel old… aged… older… aging…. sad.
When my life evolved to the point where it made sense to have a baby, I pictured myself the mommy of a soft baby, with buttercream for skin. Forever. My daydreams never veered. The whole world was pastel and cooed… Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star was the theme song that played softly in my dreamy, baby mamma heart.
Imagine my surprise when I learned that lasted, like, a month.
9 years later I look around at my spot in the Mother ‘Hood. Instead of crib mobiles that plink soft lullabies, I listen and laugh hysterically to ”Jingle Smells” on the car stereo with my not-so-buttercream-skinned 3, 6 and almost 9 year-old. The light blues and yellows of “baby boy” have turned to the evil black of Darth Vader, the hypnotic colors of Pokemon, stinky feet, and armpit farting. My girls have helped keep a bit of the softness, but both of them love Pokemon too. Oh, and potty training… there is nothing dreamy, wonderful or mildly lovely about such an event (or series of events, if you will…).
Yes. Today was a big day. I faced my mortality. I faced my regrets for not “seizing the moment” with each child more often. I mourned for the loss of half-day kindergarten. Though having 2 kids in school all day next year is appealing, it really does make me sad on some levels. I feel I have spent a lot of time wishing away time with my children as I wish for more freedom from them.
Today I learned my son is excelling in reading and comprehension, and is a rock-star writer. The more I learn about him, the more I learn about me. He is a mirror of me… The compassion, the guilt, the passion, the need for predictability and boundaries, the need for acceptance, the need to express his feelings and hopes and stories… and the wild extremes of emotion. I love that he is not hard to read, but it is overwhelming at times to help him manage the depth of his emotion. My poor husband…
I learned that Olivia exiting kindergarten was much more sad than I expected. She’s the second kid. I am a kindergarten veteran… tough. Right? It finally “clicked” with me today that Olivia has taken off. She’s becoming independent and is confident. Though she needs me, and still struggles to let me leave at times, she’s a big girl who can accomplish whatever she sets her mind to… and she is slowly letting me go.
Things with Lucy weren’t quite so intense. She’ll be in preschool 3 mornings next year. These last 2 months I have tried to take better advantage of my time with her with the older 2 in school. I remember back to Joel’s preschool days. I regret not seizing the opportunities to just be together. I was so distracted by tasking… Lucy’s my last chance… not to make things right, but just to learn from my past mistakes.
Those baby books never talked about the guilt. They never talked about the grief that comes with each passing stage. I can’t remember the last time I held Joel on my hip. He’s almost 9 – it’s been a LONG time, and I am deeply sad I didn’t stop and let my hip hurt a little longer before I set him down from my hip – for the last time. When was it? How old was he? I didn’t know there would be a “last time”. No one told me. I want to remember…
Though there is sadness, I am so grateful to be out of the baby-stage… That’s hard stuff right there. I love the “new age” we are embarking on. This 7, 8, soon-to-be-9 age has been really, really neat. I am excited about this new stage we are in as a family. However as I watch a new sunrise, it means I have had to watch a sunset. Lots of sunsets.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I want to remember. I want to cherish the sunsets.
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Sheesh. MUST you cause tears so early in the morning?
Probably one of your best posts! (for serious ones that is!) That’s it exactly…..
Everytime the school year ends I feel the same way. Then someone starts arguing and beating on one another then I think ‘I’ve got all summer long to listen to this.’
Wonderful Post!
I’m agreeing with Jenny, this was a beautiful post. I will tell you, as one who has gone before you, what lies ahead is glorious. Watching your child become an adult is such a gratifying experience. I see Drama Queen blooming and I marvel at this young woman, who is so marvelous in spite of me raising her.
Almost 9. I can hardly believe little Joel is so big!
9…are you kidding? Where is time going? Paige is going to be 9 this year as well. What the?
Well said…
Beautifully written! It is always hard to send your first child off to Kindergarten, but for me it was hardest sending the youngest – for he was the last one, my last baby; I was left with no one at home to nurture and care for during those school hours. Now that baby is getting ready to start junior high, and I feel just like you do. I wish I had taken more time to cherish those moments that I didn’t know would be the last. When will be the last time he sits in my lap and lets me love on him? I fear it will be soon. I must make a point to remember each one from now on…..