2008 May 07 Archive at Jenny On the Spot

I have been a bit superficial lately, what with dancing and general silliness and all. I know. Sometimes, digging into the emotional recesses of oneself can… well… can be not so much fun. I abhor conflict and find that I dodge stress like a pro-dodgeball playa. I think I may have been blog-living this credo: “If I don’t write it, I don’t have to deal with the crap.” *Ahem* Avoidance therapy, anyone? Apparently, avoidance ain’t no free ticket outta “Gotta Deal With It Land”.

Take for example, religion… I am a Christian. Did you know that? How far do I go into my relationship with God before this social platform blows up in my face… I’ve read comments on other blogs, and my physical heart doesn’t not take too kindly to what some people think is OK to say.

How about politics? I know I will be sitting in the nosebleed section of this arena when it comes to my blog home. “Oh Great - 2008″. Ugh. I will tell you this - not only am I a Christian, I am a Republican. I know - summa ya’lls skin is crawling. You don’t have to tell me that though :)

Death and Life. There have been significant losses in this last year, and I just can’t seem to get it out right here. I think it bothers some who know about these losses… How can she be so silly? How can she be so light-hearted?

I don’t know how to answer that. I am a SAHM with 3 young children… life and pressure and expectations abound… demands pull at me nearly minute by minute - however small, they are constant. CONSTANT. Laughter and light-heartedness are hard to come by if I don’t create it… make space and shove it in.

Where on earth am I going with this? I have no idea. I hesitate to get religious because of the controversy. I hesitate to get political for the same reason. I hesitate to write my grocery list because I don’t even want to look at that boring compilation of letters. Do ya’ll REALLY want to read about our doctors visit, and how many minutes it took to get from “Point A” to “Point B”, and how my hair got flat in the drizzle, and how I changed a diaper at 2 p.m.? That’s why the internet created Twitter…

It has come to my attention that certain reader circles want more… some want less… some want different. It has come to my attention I have let myself stay under the covers and it seems some of me has changed. Actually, I believe the focus for this blog has changed, and I hope it always will. It’s organic that way. It is about life. It (this blog) ages as I age, as my children age… Changes just like the seasons… except I’m pretty sure my blog changes won’t fit in perfect 3 month cycles. Maybe more like 28 day cycles… haha… humor…

For me, the beauty of blogging is the process. Redefining. Reshaping. Discovering… one’s style, one’s passions, one’s fears, one’s insecurities, one’s strengths. In this process we get to meet others who can encourage, and hopefully we get to be the ones TO encourage. We grow - and watch others grow. I am growing. I am changing. I want to hold back, but maybe I need to let go…

Gah. I’m too tired for this.

I want a ring in it. No, not “tribal”, but just a small shiny thing. Small. Really tiny, but sparkly.

I worry about what the neighbors would think, what my friends who are parents of teenagers would think, what the new mommies I am making friends with would think, what the pastors would think, what the older women I admire and consider mentors would think…

Why do I want one? I’m not even really sure. I think they are cute and fun and daring. I have not met one little nose stud I have not admired.

I have elements of cuteness and funness, but daring… not so much. I follow rules, whether stated or implied. In my life, a nose ring is an implied “no”.

One time, in high school… I got one of those magnetic studs and put it in my nose (I suppose I have always had interest, just not nerve, nor - in this instance, sense)… Yeah. The magnet part got stuck up my nose and I had to leave class to blow it out - REALLY hard.

I know I don’t want a magnetic nose ring.

Also, I am not a “I’m gonna do what I gotta do for me”, kind of gal. So… to me, others matter. Not so much in the little things… but more the big things. Is this a big thing or a little thing? I just don’t know! Am I thinking too much? That’s funny. The word “thinking” implies one has a brain, and me - brain… again - not so much.

Then there’s my husband. He is all over it. LUUUUUVS the idea.

I still don’t know why am actually struggling over this. Maybe it’s because, unlike when I was 16 - I actually have a choice now. I have power. I can choose to do it or not to do it. Wow.