Jenny On the Spot

It’s my turn to give a shout out for Jen Singer’s newest book, You’re a Good Mom (and your kids aren’t so bad either) 14 Secrets to Finding Happiness Between Super Mom and Slacker Mom.  In all honesty… I. Loved. This Book. I loved “her” so much, I brought took “her” to a ballgame. We laughed, ate garlic fries, and yelled at the ref. However, “she” does not make a very good mitt for catching foul balls. I had to learn that the hard way…

Seattle-ites… recognize this location?

I know Internets, I’m teasing you. You just want me to get down to business (heh), don’t you… Well, for those of you who need a little multimedia… watch this book trailer:

Now that I have your attention, may I provide a little background into my own journey as a mother…

When I found out I was pregnant with my third child, I was nearly through the entire first trimester. I should have known I was pregnant, but I didn’t. I really didn’t. 

The “big news” hit me hard. H to the ARD. I wept when the stick immediately showed the 2 lines. I felt like a teenager who had been “caught”. I believe the 2 lines on the pee-stick appeared when I touched the box at The Target. I was THAT pregnant. I. Was. So. Unprepared.

My dream of becoming a “Super Mom” suddenly plunged into a deep dark abyss. How could I be “super” with three when I was just making headway on the “marginal” nature of my skills as a mom of two?

I told a friend toward the end of the pregnancy,

I don’t think I can count ANY MORE onesie snaps! Now I have to count onesie snaps again or my baby won’t know how to count! I feel guilty every time I don’t count onesie snaps out loud to my baby!

I believed the propaganda that said if I wasn’t cooing constantly (teaching baby the accentuated ebb and flow of language) my baby would grow up to be mute. I bought into the theory that a mother must grab hold of EVERY imaginable moment with her child(ren). She must bathe each opportunity in learning and intellectual advancement. By the time my third was on her way, I was toast. Most onesies don’t have more than 5 snaps. I had nearly forgotten how to count past 5! Using words with more than one syllable began leaving me tongue tied!

When the opportunity to review this book came up - I jumped. Being a people pleaser by nature, I am constantly battling a bent in my personality that drives me to want others to like me - a lot.  Naturally, I wanted to be a “Super Mom”, because I thought everyone expected me to be that. In reading You’re a Good Mom I found I was encouraged - even empowered - to continue to move in the more important (though sometimes less popular) mothering direction I had already found myself leaning toward. 

I think you should know a few things about Jen Singer, the author:

* She’s a survivor. Chapters into writing this book she learned she had cancer. She not only completed this book, but she is in remission. And she has kept her enviable sense of humor intact all the while. Incredible.

* Funny. She has a stellar sense of humor which is creatively woven into a book that could blandly list “how to this” and “how to that”. Time and time again, as I’d sit alone reading this book - in my bed, or on the ferry, or in my car or at a coffee shop… I’d LOL - look around to make sure no one noticed - and LOL some more. Laugh. Out. Loud. So. Much.

* Useful information. This book is packed with great information… useful info that only a mom who has “been there” can give. 

* Comforting. I found comfort page after page. Navigating the guilty sea of what the world expects of mothers today is, well, guilt-ridden. In the pages of this book I found encouragement. It’s OK to not do everything, it’s OK not to BE everything, it’s OK, it’s OK, it’s OK…

* Sensible. While releasing the reader of the “Super Mom” hold - she gives a call-out to responsible parenting. I’d say it’s even a call to be “Super” but in a very different sort of way. 

So. Muthas. If you find yourself struggling with the pressure of what you should be doing, could be doing, yadda, yadda, yadda - just read this book:) I cannot possibly summarize all the specifics I’d love to share. There is so much. I could write a book on her book, but then I am pretty sure that would be plagiarism… and people: responsible bloggers frown on plagiarism. Yes we do.

Haven’t had enough? You want more? Great! Jen was so gracious to allow me to ask her a couple of questions, read on…

Me: After reading your book, I am over my guilt for taking some time for me. I can see it’s important to nurture oneself in order to nurture others… Tell me your best secret(s) for GETTING that time. How do you make it happen?

Jen: When my boys were toddlers, they were sitting in my lap one afternoon, watching Mr. Rogers, who started to sing, “You are more than any one part of you.”

I burst into tears.

I realized I had put every ounce of me into being a mom, and had forgotten about myself. I guess I thought that there was no room for Jen when I was taking care of toddlers 24/7, but there was. And a happy mom makes a good mom.

I joined a gym, took up tennis and started writing. Mostly, I wrote at night when the boys were in bed, but I did get a sitter once a week for a few hours so she could chase them around the yard while I stared out the window and pretended to write.  Soon afterwards, I launched MommaSaid.

Week by week, month by month, I started taking back time for me. I ignored the pile of laundry so I could write an essay for Woman’s Day. I let the kids play by themselves so I could read the New York Times (and not just the headlines, either.) Slowly, I made my way back to earth from the Planet of the Over-Involved Moms, and you know what? My kids are happier for it.

Now my kids can entertain themselves. They’re very creative (though yesterday’s plea to “mix chemicals” was nixed.) I’m glad I weaned them off my constant attention, because last year, when I had lymphoma, life was all about me and beating cancer. If I had still been the uber mom I was trying to be when they were toddlers, last year would have been much harder on them.

You need and deserve me time, but you have to take it. Put it on your calendar — in pen. Then protect that time because it’ll help you be a good mom.

Me: Blogger moms spend time “working” on their blogs. They work to create interesting posts/blog events to interest their readers, work to bring traffic to their site … Many bloggers dream of writing books. Some are SAHMs, some work full time, some part time… but anymom who has a blog knows there is a struggle between balancing blogging with life. You write in your book about prioritizing family and work. Let’s pretend “blogging” is work:) How might a mom whose chosen “outlet” is this “blogging thing”, craft her time to chase her dream AND be a “Good Mom”? What are some ways you integrated working from home… What are a few practical tips you have used in your life as mom and writer?

Jen: Ah, but blogging is work, and if you treat it as such, it’ll be easier to turn it into that book deal or paid blog job. But that doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself in your office (or in the basement corner where your computer is lost among the toys) and ignore the kids to make it happen.

Instead, you have to allow yourself fits-and-starts work hours. Maybe you get a half-hour in before breakfast, another hour during naptime and three hours after dinner. Or maybe you’re working on it at your lunch hour at your job. If that’s what you have to do (and the boss doesn’t mind), do it.

Even though my kids are in school full-time now, I still don’t work “normal” hours. Sometimes I chaperone the fourth grade trip. Sometimes I head out to the gym at noon. As long as you’re “percolating,” thinking about writing, you’re working. Even when you’re playing Candy Land at the same time.