from the outside.
I wonder what misgivings I’ve had about others that I’ll never know.
Things are not always what they seem. Things may look easy when peering in from outside… not feeling the heat, not hearing the noise, not living in the mess.
I don’t want to use the fact that I have a third child as my supreme explanation for my shorcomings… it’s not actually the Third, it’s the magical number “3″. For me… just talkin’ about me here…
It’s not that I have preschooler who doesn’t focus. It’s not that I have a 1st grader to educate at home. It’s not that I have a toddler to hold after she wakes in the morning, after her nap and before bed at night. It’s not the fact that I have 2 “older” kids to schedule playdates for. It’s not that the toddler needs to be dressed, undressed, changed, fed, buckled in and carried… By the way, what’s for dinner, and “Mom, do I have clean pants today???”
It’s all of these things together that make me less focused… less willing (and capable) of committing and making decisions. Its all these things that grow the ball of tension that tends to sit in my chest (some call it indigestion…) and take root. It’s all these things that give me the appearance of being flighty, undependable and indecisive. That’s what I think people see…
In fact, I make dozens of decisions every hour. And honestly, if I wasn’t having to tap into my decision bank so often for my 3, then I’d have some decision reserves left for others. Not to mention, memory.
I wish I didn’t care about what I think others think. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I do. I wish I never did. I know I am doing the best I can, with a reasonable flaw-margin… but when others don’t understand, I try to explain. Then I just sound like a jerk. But then, I’m a jerk if I don’t explain too. Maybe. I don’t know for sure what they see when they look through that window. I just know how I feel. And right now, I feel like I fail more than succeed.
There’s more… so much more… However, I think it’s time to close the curtains :)
The more life I live the more I realize that I have no room to judge.
Some of my best friends have “disorganized” lives and I have started to see that I can overlook those small things because their friendship means so much to me.
Today I forgot a birthday party of a dear friend’s child. She had to call me 30 minutes into it to remind me. I pray that we are at a point in our relationship that she can overlook that as I have overlooked some similar small things.
Hang in there. I hope you have friends who understand.
Are your kids happy? yes. Are they getting fed and clothed on a regular basis? yes. Are you attending to their spiritual, educational and emotional growth? yes.
You are not failing!!! You are a stellar success and people who focus on the little and unimportant don’t deserve to have a say in you self-worth. ’cause they’re poo-poo heads.
Buck up, lil camper. Just tell yourself I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and dog-gonnit, people like me. ;)
Jenn:
I saw this post & just wanted to tell you that you just explained how mothers feel all over the world.
Having three as well, I know how it is. You almost feel sometimes that with each child you gave birth to, a little bit of your mind (especially the part that deals with concentration) gets lost.
We want to be the multitaskers that get everything done & not just done but done WELL. But unless we spend no time with our family or stay up all night cleaning - that’s not really something we can achieve.
Sometimes it helps me to look around and say “Okay so this place is a mess, I have ten things half done…BUT-
My kitchen does look rather nice…even if everything else is gross. I DID get to take a shower…even if I am not all “done up”. I DO have a wonderful home to live in…that’s more than so many people can say! Hubby doesn’t have any clean pants…but at least he has clean underwear!”
and so on. I think alot of times we start to feel so overwhelmed that it’s hard to see the “light at the end of the tunnel”. But that feeling does always pass.
And in the long run, your children are going to look back at all the time you spent with them, & the meaningful things you did…they aren’t going to remember dirty dishes or a week’s worth of laundry that sat on the couch for three days, ect.
It’s like this poem I have up in my kitchen:
EXCUSE THIS HOUSE…
Some houses try to hide the fact
that children shelter there;
Ours boasts of it quite openly, the
signs are everywhere.
For smears are on the windows,
litte smudges on the doors.
I should apologize I guess for
toys strewn on the floors.
But I sat down with the children
and we played and laughed and read,
And if the doorbell doesn’t shine
their eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I’m forced to choose,
the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife,
but first
I’LL BE A MOTHER.
Hugs,
Jessica