Clean makes me happy. It is almost as exciting as chocolate. I’m not kidding.
Just as a really good piece of chocolate (dark) sets me twirling and smiling and humming a happy food tune - I am learning having things clean and organized puts me in a similar mood.
I noticed, the other day, after a good cleaning of the mudroom and laundry room… I danced. I danced about like a Barbie Princess Ballerina. I smiled. I breathed deeply and felt clean on the inside as well. I found I kept going in those rooms just to stand. As I stood, I looked around with quiet elation. I breathed in the air of organization, and spun in grand, wide-armed circles - reminscent of air freshener commerials shot in field of wheat.
I try to talk myself out of the need to keep things tidy and organized. You know… the stories about how we moms will miss those fingerprints on the walls when they are gone. Or… how we spend way too much time cleaning and not enough time investing in our kids…. I don’t dispute the argument. I need to play with my kids more. I try to give myself the emotional permission to let things go. If anyone was to “pop” in unannounced they would never know I like things clean… But for the most part, I really don’t mind if people see the mess. It’s not my first choice, but I don’t cower and shrink, nor do I feel like a failure for weeks after a surprise visit. I really just like “clean and tidy” because it makes me feel like I’ve been eating good chocolate. Ummm… by the way, the only “good” chocolate is dark chocolate…
Here’s what I’m trying to reconcile - the physiological response I have to all things tidy and the physiological response I have to cleaning - haha. I think I join the masses when I state, I don’t care for cleaning. There are many other things I would prefer to do. In all seriousness, I feel like God gave me this little part of my personality. Not only do I feel lighter when things are in general order (not perfect order), but I find it difficult to make decisions when most of my physical world is so cluttered. How do I pair the chaos of life with this piece of who I am? I know there is a balance to be had. I feel I work harder on denying this “thing” about me and end up more miserable in the end. I almost feel like I am expected to let things go becuause of this season of my life - life with young children. That makes me crazy.
In conclusion, there is none. I guess there is one thing… I think - this need I have is an integral God-given part of who I am. I think - I don’t want to fight it anymore. I just want to find a way to accept this. I’m am tired of working against the tide. There is joy to be found in this aspect of me. There is nothing quite like being able to find something because it is put away where it belongs. I am much kinder when I am not frantic.
I have no idea how to change direction. It’ll have to be gradual. I must balance many worlds - the world of my personality, the world of the 3 little people who call me “Mommy”, and the real world. I must not make my personality-quirk/trait a stress or burden to my family. I think Olivia thrives in chaos. Joel loves order. It seems Lucy is a lot like her big sister. What I do know is denial of this need has not been working for me. It’s time to try something new, and live in that “good chocolate” feeling a little more.
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