I don\’t know if this is the dark side of mothering, or just the reality.
It can really suck sometimes. How\’s that for eloquence? It sucks to not have family around. I\’ve heard the saying, \”Friends are the family you make for yourself\”. I have seen this firsthand in my own life, especially since my second child was born. If it were not for the family of friends that has grown around me, I would truly be, well… screwed. My family of friends includes the most stellar people imaginable. However, I still feel a bit shorted. I know I am not alone though - so many women raise their families without the benefit of having family nearby. Like them, I just don\’t want it to be that way.
I am 32 and I need a mom. I need the nurture, the compassion, the unconditional love. I do have that, but the miles between me and my mom add up to expensive flying or 20 hours of driving each way. I find I need that stuff in person, and more than a couple times a year.
Circumstances highlight my loneliness, my separate-ness. When my daughter throws up 200 feet from the babysitter\’s home, I feel the void. Where do I turn? I won\’t ask my friends watch my sick kids, they need to keep their own kids healthy. But my Mom would be there in the blink of an eye - neither vomit, nor poo, nor snot, nor trials of potty training would keep her from supporting her grown daughter, and spending time with her grandbabies.
I stayed up until nearly 2 a.m. last night to make today - ULTRA ERRAND DAY - most successful. I should be at Target right now, I should be feeling productive. Instead, I sit fighting back tears, forming feelings into words, but still coming up short. Some things I can\’t express, some things I should not. I am again reminded of how my life has taken shape outside of family. There is much goodness and blessing in my life, but there are pockets of time I long for this hole to be filled in…
I cannot end this without adding one thing - my dear husband. This extends beyond motherhood, into parenthood. His efforts to help fill this void are heroic. He suffers the consequences of this dilemma as well. A rested and joyful spouse is a better spouse, and these days rest and joy are on the top shelf - and our step-stool appears to be missing…
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