The pace we have had to keep this past week has been grueling at times. My kids are tired, my husband is tired and I join them. While there have been some very wonderful moments there have been some very hard ones too – from memorial to wedding to weaning my baby from my own milk…
There has been little time to care for my home. It sounds trivial in the light of such big things, but home should be a refuge, not a dumping ground. I feel like I am sitting in a dumping ground. We have been home long enough to unload our gear, repack for the next day\’s events, and unload again. My children love all the excitement, but I miss them.
I have had to stretch – call on many friends to help with my kids. I am so thankful for their help and generously giving their time and energy. Finding help for my children is an huge ordeal for me. I hate to ask for help, and I am not real fond of the telephone either. I am truly blessed to have such a beautiful group of friends that support me and my family.
The Fourth of July kicked off the beginning, with late-night laundry folding instead of firework-watching. I\’m sorry Joel, I know you were so disappointed… Early the next morning Lucy and I headed out on an hour commute. My dear friend Lisa got me in to see her breast doctor. Lisa\’s mom stayed with Lucy, while I had focus time. I have had such problems nursing I was not able to tell what was normal with my breasts and what was not. I felt fearful and anxious. The doctor found no reason to be concerned, and a burden lifted. The following day was Rose\’s memorial. She was 6 months younger than me. As I made a meat tray the night before, I couldn\’t believe I was only 32… preparing food for a friend\’s memorial. I felt like I should have been 75, No, both of us should have made it there…
Joel had an EEG on Thursday. We\’ve been waiting 2 years for that opportunity – 2 years seizure-free:)! My husband and I were nervous, because the first one he had been so traumatic for Joel. We didn\’t know what to expect. Relief. A new facility, a clean facility – and just for kids. Joel did a stellar job, and got a chocolate milkshake! We won\’t find out the results for a couple weeks… We are hoping for an \”all-clear\” so he can come off his medicine. Thursday was also the day we made Lucy take a botlle. We had tried several times before, but she had not been on board. Thursday she had no choice. With 3 bouts of mastitis a painful battle with aggressive and persistent thrush, it became very clear that the entire family was suffering from my stress and pain. Lucy went 15 hours before she got hungry enough to take a bottle – 4 am to 7 pm. It was heart-wrenching. My natural urge is to comfort my baby, like any mother. I felt so helpless, guilty – though I know it needed to be done. The best thing isn\’t always the easiest.
Tuck, tuck, tuck. That\’s what I did with all the emotion and strain of the previous days. It was time to wind up for 4 days of wedding festivities. Another post, for another time. The wedding was last night – beautiful and precious. In a week I should be able to truly let down, reconnect and perhaps work-out the emotions of a week ago. I wish I could take my family and run. I want to whisk them off to a place protected from the realities and demands of life. I want to indulge in childhood joys with my kids. I want to freely play with them and not have anything pulling my energy from them… Since I can\’t whisk them away, perhaps I can create our own oasis at home from time to time. I am blessed to be here with my kids and husband. I want to savor the precious, healthy days we have together…
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