I feel like I\’m running as fast as I can. I am desperately running from this beast, though he is familiar to me. I hope being caught is not inevitable, I pray I don\’t slip. I wish I could spew all that circles my mind, but I can\’t. I am waging war and feel like I\’m losing. I\’m losing \”it\”. What the heck is \”it\”?
Life is unfair, but my life is good. I am ridiculously blessed. But then there is the mind. There is the battle that wages. The battle of what one can control and what one cannot. I waffle between. What of this battle comes from me being a whiny baby, and what comes from the post-partum mind. I have no answers, no solutions. The best I can do is use up all my hot water as I slump in tears in the shower. The voices tease, \”Get up Jenny! It\’s been 2 months! You can\’t recover forever!\”
I want to feel stronger. I want to feel MORE capapable than the picture I\’ve painted for myself. I want to be fully independent - needing nothing from anyone. I don\’t wnat to depend on others. How can I get there? I don\’t want to be sad or tired or angry or bitter. I don\’t want post-partum depression to be a piece in the puzzle of my life - again. What if this isn\’t post - blah, blah, blah? What if this is me? What if this is who I am becoming?
Yet . . . I refuse to be the \”squeaky wheel\”. I know first-hand how the \”squeaky wheel\” hoards the grease for only itself. I detest \”squeaky wheels\”. This is has become a large souce of my grief.
So, where is my point of balance? I am searching, but running in desperation. Running from a post-partum label, running from feeling \”needy\”, running from unspoken expectations, running from my own thoughts and worry. My faith helps, but it is insufficient this morning. . .
Hang in there Jenny! Is there anything I can do to help? It is hard. I feel silly saying it, but life is hard and I have my struggles, despite the blessings. Although I don’t remember much of life before three kids (!) I do think it became more difficult then for me (along with other complications). At times I feel overwhelmed. I’ll pray for you. I hope you can get some sleep and rest. I hope you can see what you need to see through this time, grow and go forward into the next step and stage (it will happen!). Love you!