I grew up in a small town, and I went to a small private school from 5th grade on. I graduated with 12. I grew up in an environment where it was pretty easy to attain success. With minimal competition, it was easy for a fairly shy pre-teen to blossom into a confident, self-assured teen. Sure, I had to apply effort, but….
In high school I was a cheerleader, in the ensemble, student government, yearbook, on the volleyball team, graduated salutatorian. In a school of 50 - class of 12, there wasn\’t much I couldn\’t do or be involved in. It gave me a terrific sense of self-importance… to succeed at anything I tried. Careful little fish…
In college I swam in a bigger pond, yet small for college (under 1000 students). I didn\’t try out for chorale, but I did for another group. Rejected. Didn\’t even try to take on volleyball, I had half the height and half the muscle of the other girls. I did apply and was accepted for a new-student orientation team my sophomore year, and resident assistant my junior year - thank God. I was too afraid to run for student government. I wouldn\’t be the only name on the ballot! The pond was bigger and the fish was smaller.
Real world, it\’s a great lake, not a mere pond now. I am an average mom to 2.5 children. I drive a white minivan. I scrapbook, bake and head-up crafts at my local mom\’s group. We don\’t play with play-doh much, because it is too messy to mess with. I let my kids watch more TV than I think they should, and lately let my son spends more time playing video games than I want to allow. I seldom work on the ABC\’s with my kids and my main destinations are Target and the grocery store. I do sing loudly in the car by myself, or sing at church with the rest of the bunch, or sing kids songs in the car.
As life progresses I find unique things about myself, I am not identity-less. I am in the \”occupation\” I desire. However, I feel more mediocre than in my more more self-assured, youthful days. Some has to do with maturity , some has to do with rejection, some has to do with little opportunity, and some has to do with being too insecure to look for or take opportunity.
The pond has grown much bigger, and sometimes I feel like one of the tiny fish who just fills up space. I know I have purpose and value, yadda, yadda, yadda… but it doesn\’t change the fact I struggle with feeling bland. I\’m not Sheri Oteri but not boring… not Martha Stewart but able to take on a glue gun… not Barbara Streisand but not tone-deaf… not Mother Teresa but don\’t brandish a wire hanger… not Oprah Winfrey but have important things to say at times… Catch my drift?
The world is now falling apart in my little home… I must tend to my children, it\’s time for lunch and an orange must be peeled :)
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