Monthly Archive for December, 2004

Motherhood…

Sure doesn\’t seem bring out the best in me.

At least not like in my dreams.

Before becoming a mom I had beautiful dreams: of patience and giving calm guidance; cooking with children under toe — gleefully letting my cherubs crack the eggs and measure the flour; holding hands with my offspring and joyfully answering a billion questions as we walked together; reading books to them every night — with me and my husband having lots of energy to do that at the end of a very long day — it doesn\’t take effort to read preschool books!

I find I often feel more like a big monster than an angelic presence, loving and guiding my children. I love them desperately, enjoy them , and guide them (no, no, no, no, no!!!). It seems the days are less about angelic ambience and more about survival.

I suppose it\’s all part of the process… learning how to be a mom, learning how to be intentional in my parenting. It\’s about learning how to let go of the ideals and instead deal with the reality. It\’s learning about the part of myself that is ugly, and working on making it beautiful. Motherhood is about letting go of self (not my interests, I still scrapbook!!!) and squeezing in the needs and joys of my children, at their pace rather than my own. But my pace is the most efficient - doesn\’t anybody know that?:)

Published
by
jenny
on December 22, 2004
in General, Mental Pause and Mutha' Hood
. 1 Comment

Critical Thinker…

After sitting on Santa\’s lap a few weeks ago, my son asked, \”Why does Santa always talk different?\” He later asked, is Santa everywhere?\” I guess Joel is a bit more of a critical thinker than I thought.

Oh the guilt and the controversy! He still believes, but I did tell him only God can be everywhere:) Gotta maintain some perspective here!

Published
by
jenny
on December 20, 2004
in General and Joel
. 0 Comments

Coudn’t Stop Myself…

Well, I did it. I mailed a Christmas picture card. It was actually quite simple compared to years past. Paul and chose the pics. Paul organized them to fit in the Costco picture card format. We sent it (technology can be wonderful) and I picked up the cards the next afternoon. While watching a movie with my mom last night, I addressed the envelopes (well most), and mailed them off this afternoon.

It was difficult NOT to include a letter, big news with the baby, etc… A few family members actually enjoy the update, but I accepted my limitations - of time and energy. The picture in the post is what we included on the card. We had lots of pictures from our vacation this past November, so we pulled from that collection. I did not include my email address or my blog url on it- with only 20 characters per lione (3 lines) there was little room. Those who know me know all that stuff anyway:)

Obviously, I have a lot of emotional “letting go” to do when it comes to this area. But if I look back to 1998 - I made the cards, wrote a letter, included a picture and even decorated the envelope (the part that usually gets destroyed before it even gets to the recipient), I think I am making good progress:) I need to take further emotional stock and trim down the list too, but I am happy to take baby steps. It’s good to at least make progress. No need to add pressure by setting expectations - right?!!!

Published
by
jenny
on December 20, 2004
in Family and General
. 1 Comment

Enjoyment

I went to one of my mom\’s group leader meetings a couple of weeks ago. As part of our meetings, we go through a small Bible study together. The question was asked, \”Do you think God enjoys us?\” Hmmm…

The thoughts that swam through my mind flashed my my sinful heart - my true intentions, my thoughts, my anger, my selfishness, my envy… to name a few. Na, God does\’nt enjoy me. Then I thought of my kids. I thought of their disobedience, the ways they discourage and infuriate me. I thought of the ways they reduce me to insanity and even helplessness on certain days. But I enjoy them! Huh???

I brought the two situations together - my Heavenly Father, this earthly mother. I am certain my constant returning to sin, sin I continue to seek forgiveness over, saddens my Heavenly Father. As a mom, I am all-too familiar with the frustration I feel when my son or daughter continue to do things I constantly tell them not to do. It is especially heart-breaking when they hurt each other. As mad and discouraged as I get, I still love and utterly adore my kids… I enjoy my kids.

I love how they express their emotions. I love how they play pretend. I love how differently they approach circumstances and decisions. I love how different they are from each other, yet how similar they are. I love how \”two\” Olivia is - \”terrible two\”. She wants to be independent and wants people to know what she is thinking - ALL THE TIME. I love how \”five\” Joel is - an active boy with great imagination and he feels emotions intensely. They are all the fun I dreamed they would be, and probably all the frustration I never dared dream:) Yet I truly enjoy and delight in my children.

Back to the question, \”Do you think God enjoys us?\” I am pretty sure He does. If I am his child, and I feel the ways that I do about my own children, the answer is clear. I am certain I sadden him, even anger him; but if I am truly considered his child, then the delight and enjoyment is there too. The only difference is, as his child, I probably receive more grace and patience than I give my own children.

A good friend once told me, \”For as much grace God has given you, you need to give to your son.\” Now there is perspective, and a setting for a relationship with enJOYment…

Published
by
jenny
on December 18, 2004
in General and Mutha' Hood
. 1 Comment

Annual Christmas Letter or Not…?

My New Year\’s resolution for 2004 was to SLOW DOWN… As I review this past year I see I missed the mark - by choice and other times by circumstance… I am still debating whether to write a Christmas letter, or to simply direct all who are interested to my blog. Our year was just too crazy to really write about in a sweet Christmas letter…

Julie shared the reasons why she decided to do what she did, and got my mind a-swirling. I had not yet decided what to do when I read her post. I struggle with not sending our \”letter\” because I scrapbook it and it becomes our \”year in review\” to reminisce in later years. On the other hand, I have this blog which covers so much more…

I may be an odd one, but another reason I want to is… I enjoy reading other\’s letters. I know not all do, and some of whom are those I have sent our letters to in the past - I\’m sure:). I like \”catching up\” and know most friends and family far away are just as time-frenzied as I. Just as I cannot be counted on to correspond with 100 others consistently throughout the year - I expect that is the same for them.

Back to my quandry… Here are my options: a short but sweet synopsis, a lengthy (but witty:) letter, just a picture of the kiddos, or nothing… no, the last one is not an option. I\’m leaning toward a short blurb (some folks still don\’t know #3 is on the way) and as Julie did, send a picture of the kids and include my blog url. Maybe I\’ll wait until we move and do the \”We\’ve Moved\” announcement, but THAT depends on when our house sells! Oh well, worst case scenario - I remain indecisive, Christmas passes and nothing gets sent. It\’s not the end of the world, it is the season of our life…

Published
by
jenny
on December 13, 2004
in Family and General
. 3 Comments

OUCH!

I finally did it. After 32 years of avoiding deep cuts I finally joined the club Sunday afternoon… I had to get stitches!

Imagine a woman intently cleaning her house. Her house is to go \”on the market\” the following day. She is busy and deliberate, careful to not skip a beat as there is no time to spare. Imagine that same woman briskly washing a 3-4 pound vase, with soap. Imagine the vase slipping and \”bouncing\” off the side of the sink - into 2 pieces, the left thumb available for the sharp edge to cut through.

Ouch! It hurt and it was messy! Hubby was gone running an errand for me. I had to call him back, reinforcements were needed (he knew if I was calling him back from a chore it MUST be urgent!)!

OK, I\’ll leave the drama of the blood and the wild thoughts racing in my head and finish with the end result: 5 stitches just below the bend in my left thumb. I am thankful it was my left thumb (and not the right). I am thankful no tendons or nerves were cut. And I am thankful my thumb stayed on my hand (yes, I can\’t fully ignore the potential for drama!)

I will never take the thumb for granted again. It is hard not having the use of even one digit! I never realized how much I depend on my left hand though I am right handed… I learned that I unscrew lids with my left hand - it can be difficult to access the tylenol:)

The house still went on the market the next day, but my hubby had to pay in time… he\’s such a good man. I became a one-handed wonder, but was not as efficient!

Guess what I did Monday… I locked myself out of the car, and all 3 sets of keys were in the car - in my purse! I\’m glad I decided to renew our AAA membership this year!

Published
by
jenny
on December 8, 2004
in General and Jenny Jen-Jen
. 3 Comments