Jenny On the Spot

Today has been a difficult one. The child of a friend from church died this morning. When I found out this morning, I felt so sick to my stomach, I felt like I might throw-up. My own physical reaction surprised me…

At church yesterday, the pastor shared that M was back in the hospital. She slipped into a coma yesterday afternoon. She relapsed some months ago after being in remission from brain cancer for nearly 5 years. I believe she was 8.

At a scrapbooking retreat in February, I met J - the mom. She worked on albums for M to enjoy. J said that out of her 3 kids, M enjoyed looking at the scrapbooks the most. I sat across from J those 3 days. It was hard to think about the possibility of M\’s death. I couldn\’t imagine working on an album for a child of mine that was probably going to die within the year. In March, I went on a church women\’s retreat and I was able to room with J and 2 other women. I got to know J a little better, and learn more about her journey. I learned that J felt it an honor to be the mommy chosen to walk M through this trial - though it was a hard path. She feels it is an honor to be the mom to walk with M… wow.

What a noble perspective and tremendous burden. It takes an incredible person to walk a child through such a valley, to accept that role, to plan months ahead whether they would like her to \”go\” in their home or at their hospital… I admire J for her strength, hope, and perspective.

I am not M\’s mom, but I feel so sad. I just cannnot imagine her sorrow… Then there is the dad who lost his little girl… A brother and sister lost a sister… their son is my son\’s age. I can\’t imagine having to support my children through the grief of losing one of their siblings.

The woman who called me this morning to tell me the news has a daughter who is friends with M. She is struggling with the death of a friend. I never had to deal with that at 7. This little girl is asking, \”Will I always feel this sad Mommy?\”

I can\’t imagine watching my child die. How can a mom survive that? I think my heart would burst out of my body. Coming from the \”religious\” (not a fan of the \”r\” word, but I lack a better one) perspective I embrace, I am thankful for the grace of God. How else could a mother or father survive the loss of their young child? How else could a parent\’s heart, body and soul not collapse? Indeed it must be God\’s grace…