I have had the privilege of hearing Christina Veatch (owner of the Dancing Brush ceramic studio in Poulsbo) speak at a few mom events (MOPS - Mothers of Preschoolers, and one other) and she said something that is really causing change in me (I can be a slow changer and learner though…). In raising kids, I need to keep both hands on the wheel! Many times when I encounter difficulties or problems this flashes in my head - BOTH HANDS! I cannot afford to look away - I need to focus to control this “vehicle”!
She also talked about viewing problems as opportunities. This has really impacted me as well. It takes my focus from the idea of “discipline” and shifts me to “training”. My heart is different then. My kids get a better me and I tend to make better decisions. I still don’t feel happy when Joel or Olivia disobey, but I make sure both hands are on the wheel (in my successful moments), seek the Lord for patience and wisdom, and I can honestly say I feel a bit of relief when I view the moment as a learning opportunity instead of a train wreck.
How can a problem be an opportunity? Instead of getting down about a problem, I can look at it as a chance to do better next time. For example, do people tend to get angry when they misplace their car keys? It is usually a problem. OK — OPPORTUNITY! For the most part, I hang my keys up in the same place almost every time. I have taken steps to avoid a problem that I learned from. I don’t want to live my life looking for keys and being angry about it. Christina called this sort of thing an “act of kindness” to oneself. I know lost keys really cause chaos and intensity. As an act of kindness to myself, I set up a system so I can have at least ONE thing go right as I walk out the door:) I’ve seen this work with my kids. I have noticed that Joel gets VERY frustrated with his seatbelt buckle. In the past, I would move the booster and buckle for him. Right now we are working on him getting up from the booster, moving it over and then buckling up. The other day Joel said, “Oh, I know Mom, I’ll get up, move it and then buckle.” Right there — he experiences a sense of accomplishment (self-esteem) and he avoided an angry blow-up (which usually involves consequences from Mom or Dad).
I anticipate this being a life-long learning process, but I am excited to have this tool.
This was a hard day. My son expressed in tears some of his first relationship hurts. It turns out that at preschool there are a couple of boys who tend to leave him out, or even make fun of him. This morning he chose to wear his prized VeggieTale shirt to school, but on second thought, decided against it. He said his friends would laugh at him and call him a baby.
This evening Joel sat on my lap for over 40 minutes, sharing his heart. The first 10 were tearful and heartbreaking. He expressed that he felt “angry” when others do not let him be on their team. He said he feels “angry” when they insist on certain things and leave him out. Joel even said, “The whole world doesn’t like me!” He said it with deep heartache and sorrow, and tears. I know he was feeling the pressure from mom and dad at the moment too — pressure to clean his room:) This was the breaking point for him. The “whole world” wasn’t giving him a break.
It hurts my heart to see him hurt so much. I long for the wisdom of words that ministers perfectly to his brokenness. For those moments we hugged. We sat face to face - he in my lap. We hugged and rocked and cried together. We went on from there and talked more. We talked a lot — probably the most in-depth and lengthy discussion to date. It was mostly serious. He is still only 4, but tonight I saw a depth of heart I had not noticed until now.
I realized tonight, I let daily life rush by and fail to see the effects of my short-tempered interactions with him. It is important that he be responsible to clean his room, but I feel I missed the big picture. I want to know my children well. I want to discern when there are deeper issues. Tonight wasn’t about disobedience, it was about a 4 year old having the weight of the “whole world” on his shoulders.
A few minutes after our time together, Joel came to me and said, “That was a nice talk, wasn’t it Mom.” More than he will ever know…
Yesterday I sat by the pool and watched you. You kicked around the pool, safely in the arms of your swim instructor. I started to get tears in my eyes as I imagined you kicking and swimming on your own. I guess yesterday I saw how close those days are. As your mom, I see it as my job to help you learn to be strong and independent. Yet, as your mom I want to keep you so close. I know that someday, when you have your own children, you will understand…
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